she'll be sorry one day, they are young for only so long, enjoy your little ones SD, you'll have plenty of memories to enjoy after they are all grown up, her loss, she wont' be able to do the same.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Well, S9's b'day was this weekend. We took him, S7, and two friends to a waterpark. Had a great time, but needed a recovery day today! W was mostly happy and present in the activities. Also joined us for dinner at neighbor's afterwards and hosted a cupcake making party for the neighborhood kids today to celebrate with S9. Strange how she can live these two lives.
On other fronts, I am mostly caught up at work and just have to finish my preso tonight. Was hoping to get it done today, but here I am at 8:30 and still procrastinating! So..adios!
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
Glad to hear that the kids had a good weekend, and that you caught up, as well. Cat is right, in that you will reap the rewards of what you are putting in for your kids now. And so will they.
Glad you hear you had a great time with your kids!
I like you baby steps. Perhaps you should shoot for just one baby step this week.
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Strange how she can live these two lives.
W is well being a not so W person and a not so mother person... Since my D I have become increasingly aware of people in both my personal and professional life that live their lives according to their "unique" brand of standards that are comprehensible only to them. There was a time when I sought to persuade and/or control. These days I no longer even seek to understand - I strive for acceptance of what is - even if I don't understand it. And if their behavior doesn't work for me or crosses my boundaries - I simply move away. And over time - they become insignificant and/or irrelevant. Well - at least that is the mindset I strive for... I still slip all the time...
You will get there eventually with W.
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On other fronts, I am mostly caught up at work and just have to finish my preso tonight. Was hoping to get it done today, but here I am at 8:30 and still procrastinating! So..adios!
Is preso a presentation? Hope it went well.
Why did I decide to post tonight? I have a patent that I absolutely have to have on file by 11 pm tomorrow!
Yes AG, preso is presentation. I got through the internal technical/legal review today. I knew it would be either "yes that's exactly what we need!" or "what the heck were you thinking?" Fortunately, it was the former, so now I can relax until the actual conference in early June...fortunately it is in Colorado, so I get to recover my previously planned weekend in the mountains that I missed when FIL passed in April.
Somehow Karma rewards us for our good deeds!
Originally Posted By: AG
Perhaps you should shoot for just one baby step this week.
I will procrastinate for another week til I start this since I will be traveling the rest of the week. So I will set up L appt. for next week to take care of will/trust sitch. (I promise!)
Regarding the sitch at home, I have been more or less avoiding W. She has pieced together the activities the kids and I have been doing and appears to be realizing how good we have it. No moves towards me, but definitely wanting more family time. The former is actually somewhat of a relief since I am not at all interested in her but would feel definite guilt if she wanted to try to make a go of our M.
I guess this is the hardest part, realizing that in fact you want out of the M after working so hard to make it work in the beginning of the DB process. It just feels like such a collossal waste of 15 years, trying to make a depressed person happy, living in a sex-starved marriage, letting this sitch turn you into only "half the man you used to be..." Maybe this is a natural part of the grieving process? Don't know, but I'm definitely ready to move on to the next phase!
Take care, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
I guess this is the hardest part, realizing that in fact you want out of the M after working so hard to make it work in the beginning of the DB process. It just feels like such a collossal waste of 15 years, trying to make a depressed person happy, living in a sex-starved marriage, letting this sitch turn you into only "half the man you used to be..." Maybe this is a natural part of the grieving process? Don't know, but I'm definitely ready to move on to the next phase!
I think DB'ing is like a litmus test at times. Sometimes, the test result indicates that the person you are today would have never M the person that The X is today. And the D really is about irreconcilable differences...
I was M to a depressed person for 5 years and it almost destroyed me. I spent those 5 years trying to make The X happy and started defining my own happiness as a function of his happiness... Not a good idea...
It has taken me almost 5 years to find myself again and work on my own co-dependency issues. Sure there are times I wish I had made a better choice in a spouse when I got M - but perhaps the personal growth spurt that The X imposed on me will ensure that future R's will be a lot more satifying.
I am not at all interested in her but would feel definite guilt if she wanted to try to make a go of our M.
I am pleased you said this. Right now I am in that letting go phase. The times I miss my W with intensity have seemingly all but gone. I do strugle with that , i think I should still feel something , but those feelings are hard to find now. I do feel Guilty about that for some reason.
I wonder how you do it living in the same house but its valuable time with your kids.
SD: I hope you don't mind if I reply to C_K on your thread.
C_K:
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The times I miss my W with intensity have seemingly all but gone. I do strugle with that , i think I should still feel something , but those feelings are hard to find now. I do feel Guilty about that for some reason.
I went through that phase with The X. I felt guilty b/c my feelings changed.
A wise DB'er told me that it was a normal part of letting go. In fact, it is healthy for a self-respecting individual to start to feel less and less toward an X or STBX when that person displays an utter disregard for your own and your family's needs and boundaries. I have come to be believe that love really is not unconditional - it is conditioned on a foundation of mutual trust and respect. The only exception is the love that one has for their children - or perhaps a person reacting to a mental illness.
Anyway - I just thought I would share my thoughts and experiences with you.
AG and Dave, Since I just finished some yoga poses to the sound of rain falling on the roof, I am feeling philosophical...
Originally Posted By: AG
In fact, it is healthy for a self-respecting individual to start to feel less and less toward an X or STBX when that person displays an utter disregard for your own and your family's needs and boundaries. I have come to be believe that love really is not unconditional - it is conditioned on a foundation of mutual trust and respect. The only exception is the love that one has for their children - or perhaps a person reacting to a mental illness.
Not sure if W has an actual mental illness, but at this point, I am not sure about all of this. In some ways I do love her, I just don't trust her nor feel any attraction to her.(definitely related things, I agree) I definitely feel pity for her in that she is so utterly lost that she cannot identify a path and commit to it.
I actually don't think my feelings are all that different than I would feel if say, one of my sons became a drug addict and started lieing, stealing, etc. I would be firm with them, but still as open as possible to let them into my life in whatever capacity I could without accepting their actions.
In this case, I know she is part of my family in that she is the mother of my kids and will (hopefully some day) be the grandmother of my grandchildren. This is not a tie you can sever, whether you want to or not. Once you acknowledge this, you might as well find a way to let go of whatever non-productive, ego-driven "afflictive" emotions you have and get on with building a better future relationship.
Dave, I do agree that I find myself asking more and my if it wouldn't be better for us all if we were separated. Indeed, I am working toward this goal, albiet slowly.
SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
It just feels like such a collossal waste of 15 years, trying to make a depressed person happy, living in a sex-starved marriage, letting this sitch turn you into only "half the man you used to be..."