m-54 w-44 children-4 bomb-sept 21 2007 t-21 m-20yrs bomb-sept 23 2007 divorced but not giving up hope, not yethttp://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...rue#post1224023
The thing is so bad that I feel I should stop trying to save the not savable.
Sadly, it's your "trying to save it" that's going to kill it. By fighting with her you just push her away. She can't come back even if she did change her mind, and your sadness and unhappiness only makes you unattractive to her.
My guess is she's talking so much about OM to you because it does make you angry and makes you both fight... and that makes it much easier for her to leave.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
ROP - if you are planning on going to the baseball game tomorrow, I will plan on being just inside the gate at 1:15. It is off the 280 and 10th street.
I will be in shorts, a red and blue striped shirt with Chapman University on the pocket area. Will have a USC hat on.
Hope to see you there.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
running you are so right! And I am so upset with myself that I cannot be cool and detached, I try, and sometime I am good, but then a small thing and the act collapses. She actually doesn't talk much about OM, but in a way or another it comes out in the discussions, I guess I bring it up, damn! I promised myself so many times not to do it! When we fight she also keeps the long face for days, even if I try to make piece, and that too makes me suffer, I think a good 180 would be not to care.... once I tried, but all the tension... and the long face.... I feel like screaming JUST GET OVER IT!!!!
H4H - we are so much on the same boat!
I went to a "divorce class" organized by the church, and was about forgiving. They said that bitterness is like drinking poison hoping the other person is going to die. So true! The day after I want to a meditation seminar, - that too was about forgiving and they too made the same example - it MUST be true - but they charged $10 for it. Maybe the key could be to have "compassion" for my W. I don't know....
tiredandlost, thank you for your comment, The mystery is that my W thinks she is a great mother, she says that what she is doing does not involve the kids, just our M....(?) that I have to keep being a good father and the kids are going to be fine.... so basically the responsibility is mine! She built her imaginary world and I cannot do anything about it.
The mystery is that my W thinks she is a great mother, she says that what she is doing does not involve the kids, just our M....(?) that I have to keep being a good father and the kids are going to be fine.... so basically the responsibility is mine! She built her imaginary world and I cannot do anything about it.
I think that's pretty common. I know my H has said he always spent a lot of time with the kids even when he was barely here the 3 or 4 months before he moved out??? And even when he was here, he was texting the OW! My kids didn't even care when H moved out, and my S14 explained to the therapist that it wasn't much different when he moved out b/c H wasn't home much anyway. I guess nobody wants to think of themselves as being a bad parent, so they have to kind of lie to themselves and not really face the truth. My H at first was thinking that I was brainwashing the kids, but we actually never really talk about him at all. So now he is spending more time with the kids b/c I think to some extent he realized he had neglected them maybe or for whatever reason he is spending more time with them now that he has moved out.
I do try to be a stable influence and good role model and all that to make up for my H's instability during the past year, but you can just be a good parent and hope that will be enough I guess. Of course, your W is rationalizing it doesn't affect the kids: my H has also said that, that he'll have more money & more time off from his job after the divorce, I'll meet someone wonderful, everyone will be happier, and other things like that which you can tell he is just in a fantasy world. I do wonder how long he can possibly stay in that before he gets a little more reality-based, but I don't really know! Karen
Karen, thank you very much for stopping buy. The fantasy world is a common thing - this is the first thing my MC said. He said that sooner or later they step out of it, but nobody can tell the level of the damage done.... so at the end it may not be of any use.
This morning I have been invited to have breakfast at home, it was ok besides that she ate in a jiffy, she closed herself in the bathroom for half an hour and she has been checking her cell phone every 10 minutes.... I thought this is a behavior I would expect from my D when she is going to be a teenager.. not my W!!! Anyway I let it go over my skin without touching me - I was sort of amused. Then I had a great afternoon with the kids at the ball game where I met CBK - thank you man - W got the kids an hour and a half late - typical. Tomorrow I'll take off, I am going away for a week, I am going to "relax" from this family situation.
Karen