sg, thanks for posting this, you always have such great posts!
I don't know what part of this whole dastardly cycle I'm in, but I love my H, I want to save our marriage, I want to have a sex life again, I want it to be with him, I want him to want me.
I just went over to one of the businesses across the street from us, the owner there is a friend of mine, a guy with a fiancee, we've always been kinda flirty with each other and I think he is handsome and I consider myself lucky to have a friend like him, kind, supportive, interesting, fun to hang out with, blah, blah, blah. The other night I had a dream that he told me that his fiancee had broken up with him. I figured it was just my crazed psyche projecting what's going on in my own life. Pretty much no one around here knows anything about the sitch with H and I.
So I was being my normal flirty self and he says "yes and you're married", I said that he was getting married too, he told me that she did actually break up with him and move out. So maybe I am turning into a psychic?? New line of work for me, hehe!
So anyway all in the space of about 10 seconds I had a million thoughts go through my head, most of which would be rated R and not suitable for anyone under the age of 21. Part of me would love to go get a drink with him, chat about he said she said, and then have a few too many and "suddenly find themselves stark naked in hotel rooms having breathless, passionate sex as if there's no tomorrow."
Of course my head tells me that I just miss my H, that I just want him to touch me, to make me feel loved and desired, and I can only imagine the long list of repercussions that could/would stem from my doing anything with my newly single friend including destroying hte friendship that we have and both enjoy. I guess my heart is hurt and is being defensive and thinking oh, yeah, well I'll show him.
Not the right thing to do if I have any desire to save my M, of course the only thing I can think about is that I want to see H, get him to go out for dinner with me, have a good time, be friends, I think that would quench my silly "wants" as far as the man across the street goes.
I couldn't stand it anymore I did actually just email him and see if he wanted to have dinner, can't imagine that it will go well, the resounding no will hurt so much more than the wondering what he would have said and I'm sure it will make the meeting with the realtor tomorrow a little uncomfortable, I guess this is the first time I really feel like I backslid as far as the db'ing goes, not the first time I'm sure, but the first I am cognizantly aware of. Okay off to try to do osmethign productive, something other than chew my fingers off waiting to hear back from H about how he's going to turn me down about the offer for dinner.
