Im sorry it took me so long to respond. Im so sorry. I know what he said had to have hurt you, the only consilation is that he's telling you what he is feeling, which is a big plus.
I don't know how long these things take as far as the mourning period of an A... I know you have been sticking it out a lot longer than you would like.
I do think that he has come a long way in some aspects of your stitch.
have you asked him about C or retro?
I know you will soon have a breaking point and maybe you need to relay that to him, that the waiting isn't going to be forever. Do you think maybe that would give him a jump start?? It seems he is being "lazy" about it, if im making any sense. that he knows you will still be here to wait, maybe he needs to here that you won't be.
I wish I could offer you better advice, I am here for you whenever you need me. hang in there.
*hugs*
me: 37 H: 44 Married for 18 years this june S7 S3 porn issues, and much more... since 7/06
Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.
Jak, Maybe talking is too narrow of a goal, and needs to broadened to self-expression for your H. He needs to find an entry point that he would be willing to try for his own self-improvement.
Does he have any artistic inclinations or interests? Would he consider dance, painting, writing, crafts? Maybe you can find poems that reflect your situation or feelings, and he would let you read it to him.
This would change the pattern of how you communicate. Maybe it would influence him in a different way than straightforward, literal verbal talking.
He certainly needs to work on self-expression. His avoidance around this issue has created a huge intimacy gap between you two, that you are understandably growing increasingly less tolerant of. Maybe you need to approach this issue in a different way that still promotes self-expression but puts less pressure on him to talk.
You're looking for him to talk to you in a way that provides reassurance for your worries about the OP. He doesn't have the skills at this time to do so. You can look for ways to connect with him that don't involve talking, and allows him to express himself nonverbally (like dancing), or you influence him to engage in an activity that promotes self-expression, or you express how you feel to him in a manner that is different (ex. poetry).
This would change the relational patterns as you suggested needs to occur.
CL
CL 53 W 54 M 20 yrs. 03'-09' Separation + Old Patterns + GAL 10-14' Piecing
"The Master allows things to happen. She shapes events as they come."
the only consilation is that he's telling you what he is feeling, which is a big plus.
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TAL, Yes it is a big thing for H he hates to talk so even to write a letter was huge and I consider it a big baby step.
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I don't know how long these things take as far as the mourning period of an A... I know you have been sticking it out a lot longer than you would like.
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>>I think everyone deals at there own pace so don't think I can put a timeline on it but, I know I can not stay like this with Three of us in the M forever.
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I do think that he has come a long way in some aspects of your stitch.
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>>Yes he has since the start. In the last year though we seem to be at a stalemate and I blame myself for this as I feel I have been going down those Cheeseless tunnels. I try to distance and detach more and I let H pull me right back in. I feel I am being to accessible.
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have you asked him about C or retro?
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>>I have asked him Twice and he said no both times. Won't even go to ths Dr.'s and ask for meds even though he said he was depressed.
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I know you will soon have a breaking point and maybe you need to relay that to him, that the waiting isn't going to be forever. Do you think maybe that would give him a jump start?? It seems he is being "lazy" about it, if im making any sense. that he knows you will still be here to wait, maybe he needs to here that you won't be.
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>>I have told him that I can not wait forever and that I would let him know if and when I could not. I don't know if I would so much call it lazy but, I do feel he thinks that if he pushes it under the rug it will eventually go away. I feel he might need to see that I won't be and Im'e trying to figure that out without separating first.
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I wish I could offer you better advice, I am here for you whenever you need me. hang in there.
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>>Thank You Friends!
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You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
[/quote]Does he have any artistic inclinations or interests? Would he consider dance, painting, writing, crafts? Maybe you can find poems that reflect your situation or feelings, and he would let you read it to him.[quote]
CL,
I find this one funny. H hates to read uinless it's a hunting magazine or the news paper. Detests dancing.(I love it). Can only draw or paint stick people so it is so much fun when we play pictionary. He does do wood work though. I don't know how he can express feeling through that so much.
I do feel that he might be to a point where he might feel talking in little increments or letter writing if he feels safe enough that I wont be on the defensive. I feel he is getting there as I have been trying to be understanding and really listen to what he is saying and respond without any anger or resentment. I think he is feeling more safe now. It took a while but just maybe he is going t be able to talk more. We will see. Or maybe Im'e living in LALA land and it's just one letter and he has no intention of talking.
I really don't feel worried about OW starting anything again. I feel that it is the fact that he can't release himself from her after it has been this long that upsets me. That tells me he still has a lot of work to do and that he just maybe putting it on the back burner hoping it will go away.
I keep getting knocked down and having to pick myself up and dust myself up. One of these times I feel im'e going to get knocked down and break both my legs!
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
JAK, I look forward to hearing about your DBing session.
I know exactly what you mean about getting knocked down so many times, but you know what, we are strong. We can get up everytime. It may take us a little longer, but we will find our legs.
Hugs, Yoyo
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I feel so good right now and know what I need to do.
Jodi from the DB center was fantastic and really worked with me on what was going on with H and what I needed to do at this point. Best 150.00 I ever spent.
I'll talk later right now to much going on.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
