Hope4us struggle, part 4

[Puppy Dog Tails]

OK; just don't want to see you lose the momentum you've been gaining by obsessing over her.

Any exciting plans this weekend?

[Hope4us]

I'm really not obsessing. I know my moods swing, especially when we've been making some progress and the pullback happens....darn expectations, but I do know that every day the thought of starting over, just me and the boys looks more and more appealing.

This weekend.....Cookout at Mom's and grad party at friends on Monday. DS16 has drivers ed and a birthday party camp out at a friends tomorrow. I plan on doing something tomorrow night with or without WW. Monday probably get drunk while watching the Indy 500. I'm on vacation next week and with the position I have, I can't have more than one drink at a time, so now that I'm on vacation, I plan on having quite a few more than one.

How bout you?

[Hope4us]

I just saw on Sugar's thread you're in Fla Pup.....where at?

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Northeast Florida. I'll be taking my S15 golfing this afternoon (we both have the day off), and then W, me, S15 and S11 have to go to a wedding in Gainesville tomorrow. Then my son's All-Star baseball game on Sunday, and then a cookout at our place on Monday, with my in-laws coming over.

Hopefully, we'll dodge the raindrops this afternoon, as S15 reallllly looks forward to our golf outings!!

[Hope4us]

Sounds like a fun weekend.

We've spent a lot of time in Fla. Got our timeshares at Disney which we usually (prior to the Affair) would go to 3-4 times a year, we used to spend every Thanksgiving in the Tampa/Clearwater area. Been to the Keys a couple times, Sanibel a couple times. Sometimes I think if this M doesn't work out I just might retire early in a couple years and move down and find a less stressful job and walk on the beaches or walk around Disney.

I'm off to start my vacation (just an around the house, golf do nothing kind of vacation). I'll check in and update periodically.

[lost_in_space]

Hi H4U. just catching up on your thread - mine seems to have run a little dry.

Interesting comments you make above about going to bed early. While on vacation, WW went to bed twice at 9pm - before any of the kids even. Then last night, after getting home from enabling GF's, went straight to sleep even though D16 and S are going out of town for sport events today.

Funny how little things seem to be something. The similarity in my sitch to what you said above with the small things is neat. This morning, for example, I was told that a certain behavior of mine (I tend to run without a lot of flexibility in getting somewhere and ofter, just make it by the time I need to get there) had to change because it was not setting a good example for the kids. I had to laugh internally a bit - setting a good example???? Anyway, I just said that she had a good point and I understood. Why on earth would she care unless... Yes, I know that this may be grasping, but it was the moment.

My new favorite quote:
"Then you will know the truth and the truth will set you free".

I'm not much for scriptures, but this one may be what keeps a lot of us going.

Enjoy the upcoming vacation!

[Hope4us]

Thanks LIS. I've been following your sitch, but really don't have any advise for you. As long as your wife is still in communication/seeing OM, your sitch won't improve. If she is no longer in contact with OM, then give it some time and let her come out of the fog.

Yesterday when WW got home she walked in text messaging someone (either DS19 or the enabler GF, they're the only 2 people she TM's), slams her keys and purse down and continues looking at her phone. I told her I was going to get a sub for dinner, and did she want one? She said yes in a fairly nice voice. I get back and she's sitting at the PC and periodically texting. The times between receiving a text back is longer than when you're sitting there having a TM conversation. I've had this thought before, is WW using the enabler GF to be the TM middle-man between OM and her? Might explain her slamming her keys/purse down when she came in if WW was trying to get OM to come up and "visit" on Monday while DS and I are at the cookout/grad party. Actually makes me kind of smile. If that's the case, then maybe she'll finally get that he was using her and will end contact. If she was actually TM'ing the GF, obviously they weren't seeing eye to eye about something. More good for me.

Ok Pup, let me have it. Paying too much attention to what she's doing/thinking instead of detaching. But I'm really not. Like I said before, I can't help my "run the scenario's though my head" personality.

I was reading parts of "After the Affair" again, and the more I read it, the more I come to the conclusion that I will be the WAS come July. I sat there looking at her last night and all I see is a bitter, ugly woman (not that her looks have changed, she's still very attractive in looks). She just looks like she's aged 10 years in the last 6 months. And I just don't feel the things for her that I've felt for over 23 years now.

Can that change? Yes, but she's going to have to be the one to show me. Maybe the book has shown me that I have always been the one in this marriage putting the effort in and when we hit a stressful time in our lives, she cut and ran to OM and I DON'T/DIDN'T deserve it. There are things about her that bug me too, but I didn't have an affair, even though there were a couple times over the last 5 years where I could have had one if I'd have let myself go there. But I didn't. Because I made a commitment and vow to stick with her through thick and thin. But she didn't. So why do I keep putting myself through this? Why am I trying so hard to save a marriage to someone who did this when things got a little tough? Have I just been ignoring things in our marriage because the marriage has been GOOD with the typical stresses that every marriage has? Has she always had this in her and the opportunity just wasn't there before and that was the only thing that stopped her? Is this part of her character that I've never seen before but it's always been there? She's always been a flirt. Does she NEED this validation by other men because there's something in her personality/past that having a husband that loves her unconditionally isn't enough and this affair was just flirting to the extreme and because of the circumstances it progressed to the next step? I mean, soon after we moved here, OM was talking to WW and another guy she works with came into her office. When OM left, this guy warned WW to be careful because OM was always fishin. The next day WW tood some goldfish crackers to OM's office and left him a note that said "gone fishin"? I mean, if that's not sending out the signal that "I'm available", then what is? And she "didn't go looking for this"? Why am I trying to save a marriage to a woman that obviously was either unhappy for a while and found a taker or a woman that has a need for validation by men that can't be satisfied by a loving husband at home?

Ok, I'm done with the ramble. Just been thinking a lot.....

[fightingirish]

Feel free to ramble...

Its good to everything your feeling out. This is the place to do it.

Unfortunately, we can't force them to wake up, they have to do it. That's why detachment and gal is important.

[Hope4us]

Thanks TAL. You are so right about GAL. Yesterday was a perfect example.

It's been a pretty cool spring here in NE Ohio. Yesterday was sunny and fairly warm so I decided to take in a little sun. Took DS16 to and from drivers ed, then sat on the deck enjoying the day. WW worked in the flower beds. About 2:00 I took DS to a friends birthday camp out and then went golfing by myself. When I got there the pro shop dude told me I'd have to pair up with someone because they didn't want a single playing on a Sat afternoon so I got hooked up with a husband/wife. We had a nice time. They were very friendly, we talked about our respective jobs, Disney World where they've gone to enjoy golf. I told them about our timeshares and the parks and we each agreed that I should try the golf there and they should try the parks there.

After golf I came home, showered and asked WW if she wanted to go out for dinner/drinks. She said she wasn't hungry, but not in a nasty way like she has in the past, so I told her fine, see ya.

I called a friend and met him at a restaurant that has an outdoor patio and we enjoyed a couple drinks and then when it started to cool down we went to my usual sports bar and continued the night there. Had a good time. I flirted with the one bartender. She had changed her hair and I noticed and told her it looked nice and she spent some time talking/flirting with us. And it felt good to have an attractive woman flirt with me. Don't worry, I'm not going there, but it just made me feel alive for the first time in a while. Made me feel better about myself knowing I was still interesting to a member of the opposite sex (the young drunk girl from last week doesn't count!).

GAL really does help. The problem (if it is a problem) is that it makes me want to make it work with WW less. And maybe that's ok. And maybe that's what will help her wake up, but if not, ok. And maybe even if she wakes up, I'll be the WAS. Getting to be more what I'm thinking everyday. Funny thing though, when I got home WW was pretty ok. She actually told me goodnight in a fairly warm voice when I went upstairs to watch the NHL playoffs.

Hope everyone is having a good Memorial Day weekend. Mine is pretty ok.

[Puppy Dog Tails]

H4U,

Very nicely done. Perfect.

Yes, it is sad that as you pull off the GAL thing and detach, you do lose love for a wayward spouse if they don't respond right away and make a move back toward the marriage. However, as you communicate this (and you SHOULD communicate this), it is a very powerful attraction to them.

"He seems to be doing just fine without me, and is more confident than I've ever seen him. AND he says he still loves me, AND he says that he can forgive me! But he also says that his patience isn't limitless, and that everyday he's losing some more love for me. Maybe I'm blowing this here!"

. . . is what you're going for.

Kudos.

Puppy