You guys are so great, you know that? If I didn't have the support of this board and the amazing people here, I really don't know how I'd get through my days! I have my family, too, but there's only so much that I'm willing to tell them.
You are all really wonderful! (((((Hugs)))))
Jeff - H has taken S3 shopping with him in the past, and he did say it was always easier to leave him with someone else while he did his shopping, so he has an idea. However, I don't think he's ever gone shopping with a 3yo and 4yo at the same time!
ACJ - I did feel a little better after seeing those numbers, but I think I would feel TREMENDOUSLY better about myself if I was able to hear what H thought about it.
Michelle - I'm glad, too, that I'm detaching from this drama. It's taken its toll, for sure, but it feels good to be able to just let go and not let things get to me anymore. But like I said, I might feel differently in another day/week or so. It's all part of this crazy ride.
H got home after 1am this morning (wonder how he felt when he had to get back up at 4:30!). I don't remember much, but he woke me up saying that he really didn't know what to say other than he hates feeling the way he does. He said something like, "If there was anything you could believe, please know that I was not out with anyone I shouldn't have been with. I was with (friend) and (friend), and no one else."
He called just after 8am this morning while I was getting the kids ready for school. He was quiet and said he didn't really know what to say. He just felt horrible about everything. Sadly, I didn't really have time to chat because I was busy with the boys and niece. When he could tell there was a lot going on over here, he said, "I guess now's not a good time. I'll let you go." I said, "Thanks, bye," and hung up.
I just checked my e-mail and there was one from H. This means he got the e-mail regarding daycare costs for the kids, however, he didn't respond to that.
This is what he sent:
I have no words that can explain or excuse what happened. I am sorry as I always am. I said a lot of things I didn't mean and regret. It's true that I'm not happy but it's not your fault. It's mine. You and the kids don't deserve this kind of treatment. I always say that I don't want to argue or fight and end up doing the opposite. I know and appreciate that you are always willing to accept some of the blame even though it's not your fault. I don't know what will come of this or what will happen between us but from this moment on I promise I to try my hardest to keep my big mouth shut. All the complaining I do is pointless and it does nothing but cause problems. I am totally ashamed of my behavior. I'm not asking nor do I expect forgiveness. I just want you to know that I know I'm an idiot and I'm far from proud of myself. I feel like I've failed you and completely let our boys down. And it tears me up inside. I know you've heard it all before but I am sorry. I'm sorry.
I want to frame this.
They are his feelings, but they are also just words. I just want to believe them for a little while.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
(((((Hugs)))))
