There was a time when I felt it was partially my responsibility to help kids maintain their R with H. Don't feel like it is anymore. Should it be?
I think your only responsibility is to try to bring things to your H's attention. If you have done that and nothing changes, there is really nothing more you can do.
I wish I had something from my experience with my XH and my kids that could help you but each situation is so different. I can tell you that my XH never really had that great of a bond with my D when she was young but they seem to have an adequate (not great) relationship now...so there was improvement. Things will hopefully change and your H will mature and see how his sons need him. The only thing you can do is encourage your H to have the best relationship he can with your kids. Other than that, it is out of your hands.
Your H sounds like he is bouncing around all the stages of MLC...withdrawal...replay. I think we all come to the realization that there is no point in trying to figure out where our spouses are in all of this...it is like trying to chase your tail. Just keep moving forward, trying to be happy, making the most of your life...and remember that you need to have done everything you could to save your M so regardless of what happens, you know you have given it your all...and only you know when you are there...but I sense you aren't there yet.
SH I know what you mean about so little movement from our H they seem to like this new life even though they dont seem like happy guys to us i believe we will have the resolution we need to be able to fully let go when time is right until then, we continue to stand until we areb done or they are Clearly really done peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
..... or they do something insanely stupid like walk down the aisle again
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
The only thing you can do is encourage your H to have the best relationship he can with your kids.
Upside, Pre-DB, that's what I would do. That's always been my role in the R - giving H my opinion on what's the right thing to do. Now I feel like I have to let go and let him make his own choices. As for being done - of course I still wish I could spend the rest of my life with the guy I married, but every day, I feel more and more ready to file.
peace, Except for not filing, it definitely feels to me like my H is "clearly really done".
Trusting, Your H didn't get re-married already, did he? Engaged? I don't remember reading that in your posts. I wouldn't put it past my H's ogre to "accidentally" get pregnant.
It occurred to me today that I didn't think of H coming home when I was picking out my new place. It's definitely not a place that H would enjoy living in, but it's the kind of place I've always wanted to live in - at least once. He likes everything new. This new place is really old, but has a lot of character to it and is missing a lot of the amenities and little luxuries H couldn't live without. On one hand, it made me realize I'm really moving forward as if H is not coming home. Then of course, I have to wonder if choosing this place to live in will keep H away for good.
Feeling really lonely these days. I have my friends who I love and I have plenty to keep me busy, but I'm definitely missing being in a R. My patience for H is wearing very thin.
Oh - I've mentioned this before but thought we could all use a little hope: My cousin and his W, who D'ed him and was involved with an OM, have moved back in together! I thought their D was done quickly, but I just found out that it was dragged out over several years. By the time it was finalized, it was only 3 months later that they started talking about moving back in together. And now that's exactly what they've done - much to their S8's delight.
SH nice to hear people do make it thru stuff like this I know what you mean about H looking clearly done but why dont they file or maybe it just seems to take them a lot of time and they finally will I seem to hold on to the little fact H hasnt filed and he visits 4x week other than that he shows absolutely no signs of return and voices never coming back whenever asked I too am preparing myself b/c mlc or not it is probably over peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
Journaling on H's actions. Not looking for signs - just hoping to one day be able to connect the dots and hopefully be able to use H as a case study. Haha.
H called to see what time boys would be at his mom's. He brought up issue of money he said he'd give me last week. I never heard from him and didn't ask. Was surprised that he brought it up first. He said he'll get it to me next week.
We had dinner together at MIL's. He seemed really down. Very quiet, but at the same time very talkative with me. Asked questions about boys and asked about my work - actually seemed almost sincerely interested if he weren't so down. Tempted to ask him if he's ok, but is it better to just leave him alone?
H continues to play his computer games - only stops to eat. After S5 went to bed, H went out again and didn't spend the night at MIL's. That's now 3 weeks in a row. For the 3 Saturdays prior to that, he was out of town for 2 weekends and went out for the other night.
Found something today from the day H told me it was over for him. It was dated Jan. 21, 2007. That was about 6 months after we S and H couldn't give me an answer during all that time. So it's almost been 2 years of S but actually "only" 18 months since H said it was over.
I think I'm just making excuses to prolong this. Why???
SH Is he still with ogre? its hard to figure out what their motives are with getting talkative Ive experienced this a lot and it always meant nothing for me but your H is usually quieter..so watch youve waited a long time..maybe this will give you some form of information that is needed let H see you with your PMA you have nothing to lose if anything a nice friendship with our H will have its benefits peace
married 14 years H 42 bomb 2/07 IDLYA D final 3 /09 M ow D ow
I think I'm just making excuses to prolong this. Why???
It seems like you just aren't ready to completely let go yet...BUT as you said, you picked your new place, you didn't even consider your H in the process. I think that is huge step forward for you. I hope you and your boys love your new place and thrive there. This is a new beginning for you with endless possibilites...enjoy the adventure.
Upside: I'm all moved in to my new place. I did have a lot of help and am miraculously almost all unpacked! It's an old place so there's a new problem every day, but I'm getting it all sorted out and it already feels like home. S5 (who turns 6 tomorrow!) is pretty impressed that I've set up all the electrical stuff myself. The boys are happy here and I feel good being here.
H has been asking about our new place. I can't tell if he's waiting for me to invite him over and if he is, should I? He did ask if I brought all of his things with me. I said I did and he said I could bring it to MIL's so I could have more space. I told him it was heavy so he could come get it himself. He said he'd send someone to get it. Other than that, H has been helping financially and is taking more interest in the kids.
peace: I'm sure H is still with ogre, but he has all new friends, so I don't really have any way of knowing for sure. He did mention that he was maybe going out with one of our old friends tonight. That would be interesting if he starts reconnecting with them. He was telling me about a friend of his who I haven't met, but he said "One of OUR friends" - that made me want to puke if he was referring to him and ogre (since he NEVER mentions her to me), but I'm hoping he could have meant "Our" as in him and his group of new guy friends.
Anyway, all is well. Busy weekend filled with parties and events and new home is coming together quickly. IL's are back to being really nice and feeling like family again. Nothing to complain about here.
