Okay so I made the mistake of trying to text the ^%$#ing H yesterday to apologize once again. I know, I know, I am not supposed to. I know I have to leave him alone. I did send him an update on the new addition, but he is getting ready to leave for training for the next two weeks, and I have vowed to myself not to contact first.

My first instinct is to cling. I am having such a hard time with this...going for months talking almost every day and then nothing. I am having emotions ranging from anger to sadness to hurt to giving up. I don't really want to give up.

The only thing I can think to do now is not worry about him so much. He will deal with it in his own time. And during the day I am fine. Its at night...I have too much time on my hands. I think I need to put my cell phone far far away from reach so I don't have the urge to pick it up.

Im still standin better than I ever did looking like a true survivor feeling like a little kid Im still standin after all this time and Im picking up the pieces of my life without you on my mind..