for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[Evie]

(((Seek)))

I so empathise with you, i feel EXACTLY the same, your verbalise so much better than i do.

When people post to me I get very different opionions and of course i want to believe the positive stanch, like Jen says, but i'm afraid i think H wants me to make all the dicisions as well. Why? b/c maybe then he can turn around and say i (me)pushed for this or that.

I know you don't want to know what H means when he says 'he's ready to move on', but maybe it might help you to move forward? Thats easier said than done I know, and I know I wouldn't want to know either.

Right now in my head, like you i'm mentally prepared to sell my house, but guess what? H has now not made another step towards getting it ready to sell and that bugs me.

Did you feel comfortable with H?

Have you seen a solicitor yet? what split did they advice?

I'm rambling with not a lot to offer.

Keep posting, you help me more than you know.

xxx

[seekpeaceofmind]

Thanks, Evie. You are getting a lot of conflicting advice and, honestly, I don't really understand some of it - or, at least, I'm not seeing through the same lens. Some of the feedback you've gotten seems kind of harsh, to me. I recognize, though, that people on here are really trying to be helpful and give others a much needed "wake up" call sometimes. I wanted to say that all you can do is take in what seems helpful to you and leave what doesn't ring true. In the end, you know yourself best and only you can decide what will work for you. I just want to be supportive as you go through this very difficult time. *hugs*

[Evie]

Seek,

It sounds like i hyjacked your thread, I'm sorry that wasn't my intention.

I just to offer support and to say that I know how you feel.

x Evie

[seekpeaceofmind]

I didn't feel hyjacked at all - just didn't want to say what I was thinking on your own thread. Figured I would keep it over here. . . .

[Evie]

i know what you mean. I'm almost afraid to post how i feel for fear of been berated.

How are things with you?

X E

[seekpeaceofmind]

I haven't been doing all that well - in the sense of no real change or improvement. I've noticed, tho, that even tho the pain and loss are still very much part of my experience, it is with less intensity. I hurt, but it doesn't overwhelm me as it did a few months ago and I have more perspective on what I am going through. I would like to be thru this stage, but I'm still here - there is something that I am not getting or working out.

I wish that I could stop wanting reconciliation, but I just can't. I'm working on it, but I guess I am still clinging at the same time. I know that I am making my happiness conditional on someone else and on things outside of my control, but I don't have enough of a handle on myself yet to get past that way of thinking.

Weekends are really tough for me. I am more aware of my loneliness and of the sense of rejection. I start to worry that I may never quite recover. That it will be like having a permanent injury. A lot of times I do think of this in terms of major trauma. That if I were to lose the use of my legs or something like that, I would have to learn to accept that, make the necessary adjustments and have a good life under the new circumstances. People do that every day. I feel like I am lacking some essential element of character.

I don't think DB is going to work for me. I've had one goal for months now - for him to call me just to say hello, because he thought of me and wanted to talk. This hasn't happened and I don't see any changes. I did decide on Friday to send him a quick text msg - I knew that he would probably be in court on a high profile case, so I sent a supportive comment. He then called me mid-morning to tell me that the case had been postponed for the day. He appreciated my message and had also texted a reply earlier. So, he will sometimes respond and be friendly, but he is not going to initiate.

I asked him two weeks ago to let me know when he would come and move out the rest of his things. He hasn't taken any action on that. I noticed that some of the things he did take the last time he was here were stuff that he has no immediate use for and just has to go into storage. For example, he took the box of Christmas things, but left kitchen ware. He seems to have no need for the things that you would want for normal housekeeping. I have no idea how he is spending his time or who with. I am here with all kinds of chores to do to get the house ready to put on the market and preoccupied with the death of this marriage. What the h*ll is he doing? He's not moving his stuff out. He's not helping me. He's not thinking of me. Is he with another woman? Is he out playing and just having fun? Where does he spend his time? It's hard not to think of these things. I'm alone a lot and so much of my energy right now is tied up in trying to let go of this marriage when it is really not what I want.

[Evie]

I think we kn0w when its time t0 give up and in y0ur heart y0ur n0t ready.

H seems t0 resp0nd if y0u initiate c0ntact but he d0esn't initiate c0ntact, can y0u re-evaluate y0ur g0als a little?

Maybe he's n0t in a rush t0 c0llect his stuff b/c he's n0t ready and still d0esn't kn0w what he wants?.

He may feel that he can't c0me h0me yet.

i'm s0rry if i'm way 0ff here, just trying t0 l00k at y0ur sitch fr0m an0ther angle.

xxxx Evie xxxxxx

[seekpeaceofmind]

I am kind of ambivalent lately. I feel like I am just not doing this right. I have been very good at being patient and giving things time. But, I'm not centered in myself - somehow, I'm just not calm about it, so maybe that means I'm not patient, after all. Maybe that is "infecting" my sitch, so that even though I am not pursuing, I am sending out energy that keeps him away. That "law of attraction" business drives me nuts. Then I think, maybe nothing I do matters and he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of how much I change or how long I DB.

I read so much on here that basically says you get no where until you let go. And I don't seem to be able to let go while I wait. I can't say - that's ok, H - just go do what you need to do, I'm letting you go and I'm ok with that. I can't say it because I don't mean it. I am ok - I'll be ok on my own. But, I still choose my M and that creates this resistance inside me. So, I think that I should just go ahead and give up - that's how I have to let go. Just drop the whole thing.

I don't know if I'm making any sense - I'm very confused and this is the way the thoughts ramble around in my mind. Anyway, last night I went to the divorce support group and the topic was reconciliation, so that was good. I got to talk a little and I came to the conclusion by the end of the evening that I should continue to give it more time and try to find my way to a calmer, more accepting mindset. I really do need to find my peace of mind or I won't be able to do this.

One of the themes in my reading lately, is to focus on the now, on being in the present. I am going to try to do that more often. I'm also going to get off the self-help books pretty soon - I need to just be.

I'm pretty vague about how I am going to spend my time this summer, but I really want to get some enjoyment out of it this year - it's been way too long since I've had a good summer. I need to start making plans - I need things to look forward to.

[Evie]

Hey seek, fancy a trip to Rome? Sunday 10th August to Friday 15th? I've just booked a ticket and am meeting up with D1 and her friend, but if you fancy it, why not. We could visit the treveli fountain etc....Take DB to Rome...

I know what you are saying, you echo my own thoughts as per usual!!!

I stopped reading the books and the board for a while when i found out about the A. I just felt that nothing i could do would bring him back.

I guess this journey is about patience and learning to be the best we can. I know its so hard to do when our H's haven't given us reasons for leaving and we don't know what to improve. Self analyse is so hard, well i think so, you seem to do really well with it seek and i think you have made massive improvements. I don't think you or your sit are ready for you to give up just yet imho.

Look at it this way, any choices you make now are for you and because you want to, you are not been forced to sell your house, you seem to be ok financially your h is there should you need repairs done on your house. What i'm saying is you have postives in your sit, i know you don't know where you stand with H and that is extremely frustrating.

I'm not much help, but I am listening and just to let you know your not on your own, i feel the same way too.

(((Seek)))

have work to do now, so must go

xxxxx

As you say, just sit still for a while, make some plans for the summer, meet me in Rome!!!!

[Marcum]

you both are not alone. belive me. I am in a silent limbo as well were there are slight movments but basicly a steady happy no contact. I will add you both to my prayers.