Sara - thanks for the post. It is much appreciated. I will keep reading, but right now, just can't emotionally handle this right now. I am just sitting here sobbing and can't stop - just know how much I appreciate your input.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
It's OK,CBK. I'm sorry you are hurt. It is good to get it out. The more you let out, the less there will be to cry out later. It can really take a while.
I was interested in your comments about Retrouvaille. It seems like it has a religious foundation. Is that stressed much? If my W ever got to the point of agreeing to go with me, that might turn her off.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Religion is a personal thing. For some, I have no doubt, the religious aspect at Retrouvaille is not strong enough for their liking. And for others, any mention of a higher power is too much. So how religious is a Retrouvaille weekend? It is middle of the road. Let me start by saying that I am Jewish, and my husband was raised Catholic, which sort of innoculated him against any religious faith. So as a couple, the religious part was not what we were going to Retrouvaille for. But the program is dedicated to helping people save their own marriages, and it is open to everyone. They make an effort to keep the religious part minimal to not turn off people like us.
On the other hand, like survivors of a hurricane, sitting on a rooftop unable to help ourselves, we were not about to refuse to get onto the boat offering to help us just because there was a cross painted on the side. My philosophy is that if you want the help you will take it from whoever offers it. And so it was with us. We needed help, and I had heard glowing reports of this program, I couldn't wait to go, and I gave it my all.
The program is led by the three couples. They are regular people. They experienced pain and unhappiness and found help at a Retrouvaille weekend years ago; they tell their stories in detail. There is a priest at each weekend. He has short talks interspersed with the couples. What does he talk about? A lot about his life and his personal observations about marriage. He has never been married, but he tries to relate the topic of marriage to his experience, and speak about that. Does he mention God, Jesus, the bible? Sometimes. Yeah, they are mentioned. Are they the focus of the program? No, the subject matter is marriage. The priest is willing to meet privately with anyone who wants to talk to him, and I saw several couples set up times to meet with him. But we didn't choose to.
There was an optional mass on Saturday morning for those who wanted to attend. My H and I slept in. There was a closing mass on Sunday afternoon. It was part of the program, and we should have attended, but we whispered goodbye and sneaked out to the car, as did a few other couples.
The program is relatively inexpensive. There are other marital retreats and weekends that have no religious aspect, but they are much more expensive. The Church supports this program financially, and that makes a difference. That, and the fact that all the lead couples are volunteers, keeps the cost of Retrouvaille low. So I would say it is a toss-up. If you and she cannot take help from a religious agency, then you should go to a different marital weekend. However, if you can overlook a few references to a belief system that you may not subscribe to, then go to Retrouvaille, because they really do save marriages there.
Thank you. That gives me a much better idea of the "flavor" of the weekend. Unfortunately, I doubt W will get to the point where we will have a chance to attend.
Me45 W35 M6 T8 D16 SD11 D0 Dec 07: Bomb July 08: Busted! Thread
Thank you Yoyo. I have said that I would be willing to be a lead couple and tell our story, but my husband is very shy. He won't get out in public and talk about his emotions or admit his flaws. Plus there is a tremendous amount of work writing your story down and preparing it for the program. You can't just wing it. He says his job is too demanding for him to take the time to do that. I respect his right to say no.
On the other hand, there is another couple who we met there and used to carpool to the post sessions with. The wife and I are both willing and the husbands are unwilling. So we keep saying that the two 2 wives will prepare a talk on intimacy in the bedroom. This is a standing joke. But you know, I have some strong opinions there. If Retrouvaille were open to it, we really would do it.
Whether you know it at this point or not, this will not be a short journey. First stop is not retrouvaille. Doesn't mean it can't come up again much further down the line. Or even as something you do with the next great love of your life to solidify the relationship before there are problems. You never know when the knowledge you have might come in handy.
