for better,for worse,for (what)ever

[seekpeaceofmind]

I am kind of ambivalent lately. I feel like I am just not doing this right. I have been very good at being patient and giving things time. But, I'm not centered in myself - somehow, I'm just not calm about it, so maybe that means I'm not patient, after all. Maybe that is "infecting" my sitch, so that even though I am not pursuing, I am sending out energy that keeps him away. That "law of attraction" business drives me nuts. Then I think, maybe nothing I do matters and he's going to do what he's going to do regardless of how much I change or how long I DB.

I read so much on here that basically says you get no where until you let go. And I don't seem to be able to let go while I wait. I can't say - that's ok, H - just go do what you need to do, I'm letting you go and I'm ok with that. I can't say it because I don't mean it. I am ok - I'll be ok on my own. But, I still choose my M and that creates this resistance inside me. So, I think that I should just go ahead and give up - that's how I have to let go. Just drop the whole thing.

I don't know if I'm making any sense - I'm very confused and this is the way the thoughts ramble around in my mind. Anyway, last night I went to the divorce support group and the topic was reconciliation, so that was good. I got to talk a little and I came to the conclusion by the end of the evening that I should continue to give it more time and try to find my way to a calmer, more accepting mindset. I really do need to find my peace of mind or I won't be able to do this.

One of the themes in my reading lately, is to focus on the now, on being in the present. I am going to try to do that more often. I'm also going to get off the self-help books pretty soon - I need to just be.

I'm pretty vague about how I am going to spend my time this summer, but I really want to get some enjoyment out of it this year - it's been way too long since I've had a good summer. I need to start making plans - I need things to look forward to.