After 3 long years, H is home - II

[GoingForward]

(((((((Jeff, GFI, Michelle)))))))

Jeff - Yes, he really has said those things and still does when he feels like it.

OK, GF, what's the story? How did such a fantastic girl like you end up with such a depressed, harsh, selfish, toxic man? Were you really young, dumb and thought you knew it all?

I don't know if I thought I knew it all (shoot, I probably did though ), but young and dumb - yes.

I remember not being interested in H at all when we first met (through mutual friends), but he was very interested in me. He kept getting our friends involved, tried to have them talk me into going out on a date with him. One of our friends said, "C'mon, just go on one date with him. If you don't want to go out with him after that, then tell him." I finally agreed but only if we went on a double date. I didn't want to be alone with him because I had only met him once, and we never talked before.

So we went out on that double date, and I still wasn't really interested, but he was persistant. Whenever I hung out with our mutual friends after that, he was always there. So I guess you could say he grew on me. He was always showering me with attention and wanting to spend lots of time with me (my primary LL). Every free moment from school and work we had, we spent it together.

Our R was always on again, off again. I broke up with him a few times because I felt smothered and that he was too needy and clingy, but he would beg me to give him another chance, and I always would. He ended it with me a few times, too, I'd cry, but I didn't beg him to take me back. He would come back to me and tell me how much he missed me, blah blah blah, and we would again get back together.

Then 2 years later when we were both 20, I became pregnant with S12. I was scared, so was he, and he flipped out. Told me I needed to get an abortion. He did not want to be a father, he was not ready for this, it was going to ruin his life, etc, etc. The whole convo was about him and what he wanted. He didn't stop for a second to ask me how I felt.

I gave myself time to think about what I wanted, and I chose to have my son. Like I said I was scared, but the thought of killing a part of me was even worse. Right or not, I couldn't do it. H wasn't happy at all, but I told him I was going to do this, and it was his choice if he wanted to be a part of this baby's life. I told him I would be prepared to do this by myself. We didn't talk for a few weeks, then one day he came to me and said he wanted to do the right thing. He wanted to be there for me and for our baby.

After S12 was born, we moved in together, and I quit working so that I could stay home to care for him. The rest of the story - we got M'ed, had another son, had our ups and downs like all Rs, and then had another son just one month before his EA began.

Anyway, when he's feeling remorseful, he will say that he doesn't know why he strayed. Just that he "lost his way". However, when he's angry, he will say that I "decided his life for him". That when he came back while I was pregnant with S12, he did the right thing for me and S12, but not for him.

I'm starting to think your h is actually right about something: you two are too different to make this work.

Yeah, I'm beginning to believe this myself, too, but it just sucks to think this might actually be true when I can look back at all the good times we had and the connections we shared. All the times he told me ILY so much, I can replace many things but I could never replace you, you're my soulmate, I don't know what I'd do without you, we were made for each other......All the times he needed emotional support, ANY kind of support, and I was always right there for him, and he knew it. He always said how much he loved that about me and how he loved me for it.

But all he can ever think about are the bad times. The arguing, the hurtful words spoken on both sides, me giving him a life he never wanted, and how much he doesn't care about me or even like me.

Oh, and I just remembered this - in an R talk we had last week, I asked him, "Why did you move back in?" He said, "Because I couldn't live at (friend)'s forever!" This was after his previous statements of how he moved back in to try and hoped that it would work out.

*Sigh* Ugh.

More drama last night.

I didn't get home until after 9pm from work. One of H's coworkers was here, and they were in the man-cave when I drove up. I said hello and went into the house. H followed right behind me. The first thing I get is an earful of how he didn't appreciate me putting the clothes he had in the dryer in a laundry basket without folding them. I said, "You told me you didn't want me to do any of your laundry. To me, that includes folding it. I've come home many times myself and have seen where you've just thrown the kids and my clothes on the kitchen table or on the couch, unfolded." He said, "I did it once, and you thanked me for it. You said you appreciated it." I said, "Right, I remember, and I did appreciate it. But that was two months ago, and things have changed a lot since then. You haven't done it again. You just throw them wherever, and I got to come in and clean it up. At least I put your things in a basket." H said, "Now I get to put them back in the dryer to get the wrinkles out. Thanks!" I just said, "Ok."

Then he started in on how he and the kids couldn't find any clean pajamas. They were "tearing up all the drawers and the closets" looking for them. I said, "Did you look on top of (S12)'s bed? That's where they are. I didn't get a chance put them away just yet. I was going to do it when I got home tonight." He said, "Yeah, we found them. We found them where they don't belong! Was your day so busy that you couldn't put them where they f'ing belong?!" I said no it wasn't, I just hadn't done it yet. He said he didn't understand how things like this didn't get done when there's always someone in the house. I said I was sorry that it didn't get done in a more timely manner. I often take care of one chore, then something else comes up (usually with S3 - or in yesterday's case, S3 and niece), and the previous chore gets put off til I get back around to it.

He was still mad and saying this was all BS, he doesn't like being here, he doesn't like me, we're too different, etc, etc. He asked me again what I wanted to do, I said he had to make his decision for himself first - I would not do it for him, and I told him we ought to discuss this later. The kids were still awake and niece kept walking up to me to get my attention. Poor little thing - she hears enough of this crap between her own mother and father.

Anyhow, I can't remember what happened or what was said, but it came out that the boys knew the whole story already (about our marital problems, what lead to H's EA, what role their dad played in our problems, the role I played in them, their dad was still a good man and loved them very much......). H was LIVID. He said, "I can't believe you told them that! They didn't need to know that! It's none of their business, and they're not old enough to understand anyway!" I said they know a lot more than we think, and everytime he tells them to go in their rooms so he and I can talk, they still hear everything. So they know.

H said, "They don't even know what an A means!" I told him how I asked them that very question, and S8 raised his hand and said, "Isn't that when a man and a woman are M'ed, then the man or the woman goes out and has a GF or a BF when they're not supposed to?" H was still very angry but looked like he wanted to cry. He said, "They must HATE me now! You went and poisoned their minds about me! They didn't have to know all this right now!" I told him I did NOT poison their minds with anything. I explained to them that H made a bad mistake which he was very sorry for, but he was still a good person, and he still loved THEM very much. He said, "Whatever. You're Mom, and I'm just the big a$$hole who f'ed everything up. I wanted full custody, and now I won't get that." I said, "You won't get it this way." He said what did I mean, and I told him, "You're standing here, yelling at me when I asked you not to in front of the kids, and even now with (niece) here, with a beer bottle in your hand." He started tripping around and slurring, saying, "Oh yeah, because I'm such a drunk!" Real mature, H. He also said, "I don't give a sh** if (niece) is here! It's not like her POS father is any better!" Again, real mature.

I said enough already. The kids did not need to hear anymore of this; they needed to get some sleep, so H went back into the man-cave. I have no idea if his friend was still out there or not. He had to have heard us arguing because H was standing right in front of the garage door the whole time. Geez.

Anyway, around 10:30 or so, S8 got up out of bed. He said he couldn't sleep, so I sat down with him on the couch and asked if he wanted to talk about what was on his mind. He said no. I asked him if what was going on with me and his dad was bothering him, he said yes, I asked if he was sad because of it, and he again said yes and started to cry. I held him and tried soothing him, letting him know that I was so sorry for everything that's going on between me and H. I really wish it wasn't as bad as it is, but no matter what happens, his dad and I both love him more than anything and he will be ok. I will be right there next to him whenever he needs me or wants to talk, I will not leave him, neither will his dad, and we will all be ok.

H came back inside from the man-cave, saw that S8 was up, then sat on the other side of him. He was trying to reassure S8, too, and apologized for things being how they've been. After about 10 minutes with S8, H reached over and tapped my knee asking, "Should we talk?" I shook my head no, and he said alright. H turned the TV on for S8 so he could watch something to take his mind off of everything, then he went back outside.

He came back inside a short time later and watched some TV with us, then around midnight we all went to bed with S8 sleeping in-between H and me.

Last night, H told S8 he thought it would be ok if he wanted to stay home from school for today. He understands he's got a lot on his mind. I agreed. So this morning, I decided S12 would stay home as well since he was awake last night, too, but remained in bed. We were all pretty exhausted this morning.

H called around 8:30, 9am this morning and asked if S8 was home. I said yes and so was S12. He got a little irritated and said, "You don't think (S12) should go to school today?" I said, "If I take (S12) to school, I might as well make (S8) go, too. (S12) was awake last night, too. He just didn't get out of bed." H didn't say anything for awhile then asked, "Is (S8) mad at me?" I asked S8 the question, and he asked what for. I relayed his response to H who then said for anything. S8 said no. H asked me to tell him that he loved him, so I did, and S8 said it back.

Before hanging up, H asked again what I wanted to do. I said, "Make your decision, H, then we'll talk. G'bye."