Like you, I am fairly new to this as well. I believe that my wife is having a MLC and I am also the fixer which makes this all the more difficult. I have even heard her say that I will find someone that will treat me better than she does (sure I could, but that isn't what I want).
I don't have much experience with C, but one possible explanation is that the treatment process might have taken such an emotional toll on him that he no longer sees the likely vibrant person prior to C but instead when he looks at you he might see the one suffering from the effects of Chemo. He probably also feels a lot of guilt for feeling this way and might feel you deserve better.
My W had a friend whos husband had a bout with C and she had similar feelings afterwards. She loved him but was no longer attracted to him because everytime she looks at him she sees the sick person in the hospital bed.
The only advice I would give (albiet I am very inexpereinced) would be to be the person you were before C took its toll, and don't talk about the R.
Best wishes
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Twin, I think you're right. But how do I erase the image in his mind? Will only time and patience do it?
I am working on me. I went back to work full time 2/08. My energy is back (for the most part) and I have lost weight. Chemo does not always make you sickly thin, I gained 30 lbs. I am back to pre-C weight. My hair has started to grow back nicely and everyone loves the new, short style. I have had long blonde hair since forever, but now have a short blonde "Sharon Stone" style. I have had complete strangers come up to me and say how cute my hair is. The only thing that H will say is that "it is such a change".
One of the things that my H initially said when things began to come apart was that my cancer had "done something to him".
When they prepared us for chemo, they said that for 72 hours after infusion we would need to use a condom if we had sex, and that I would need to flush the toilet 2x after I used it - to keep the escaping chemicals from contaminating someone else, or pitting the porcelin. (Yes, I know, TMI. They just about kill you with the cure!) Anway, we never had to open the condom box, and because I didn't feel good, I never pressed it. H has never much liked it when I initiate things anyway. So, now that I think about it, I can see that what you are saying is probably true. We have resumed being intimate, but I guess I would agree that he really has been effected. He one time said that I should not press him, but let him come to me. That he would, eventually. Every once in a while he does, but sometimes the man that comes thru the door at night is a very mean, disrespectful, verbally abusive Alien....
I am healthy, I am alive, and I WANT TO CELEBRATE LIFE! I really long to celebrate with him.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
You got through cancer you can get through this. DBing is real self help, and if you improve yourself you make yourself look better and more attractive to your spouse, all the while avoiding all the pit falls and traps (if done correctly) that push people away.
R talks push them away. Looking sad pushes them away because you look sad because you miss them...get it? Saying I love you, reminds them that they don't love you, so stop saying it. Don't give them ultimatums, they will choose the easier choice. Don't beg or plead they will not care, feel guilty and stay away.
All of DBing are techniques designed to make you a better person first and foremost, and possibly keep them interested in you.
Ultimately, you will really need to figure out what your boundaries are, what happens if he crosses them. Can you forgive him? If not, then there isn't much of a point to this.
As hard as all of this is, getting back together is tougher, because all the tricks and techniques you learn, to protect yourself...you have to get rid of.
You're at the begining, this is a long ride, it sucks. It will make you seem weak and needy to your friends and family, who only want to see you happy, and waiting or 'standing' for your husband, isn't going to make you happy. Let them know you NEED their support, and if they are unwilling to help you when you are at your weakest, then you don't want them talking to you about your marriage.
You can Celebrate life, without him, in fact you are going to have to for awhile. Those images in his mind will be replaced over time, hopefully with images of you enjoying life, not of you pining away because he is in MLC.
Become a person he needs to worthy of, not the person who is worthy of him, if he is in MLC...he isn't worthy of much except pity and patience. He needs to become worthy of you, and if your marriage is important to you, you need to be patient.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
Then by all means celebrate it....you deserve to. Though when going through marraige issues that can be a challenge (probably the biggest in divorce busting).
I iamagine your cancer has done something to him....he was watching the women his love suffer like he has probably never see anyone suffer before. The fact that it has affected him to this degree probably is a reflection of how much he loved you.
It sounds like he is giving you the information you need "let him come to you". One of the DB mantras is to not pursue....it will just push them away (I have been guilty about that, though have done much better with it).
But I would celebrate life like you want to....if he sees you having fun, enjoying life....he will eventually want to have fun with you as well....if not you are having a good time which isn't a bad thing.
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sometimes the man that comes thru the door at night is a very mean, disrespectful, verbally abusive Alien....
Usually people like this are hurting inside and this is often guilt that is coming out.....don't believe a word that comes out of their mouth when they are like this, perhaps even pretend you didn't hear him.
As far as trying to put a different image in his mind, perhaps ask him something along the lines of "Did you like my hair better when it was long?" If he is receptive to the conversation then perhaps say something like, "yeah me too, what do you think about me getting hair extensions until it has a chance to grow out". The key for this would be timing and presentation. Ask him at the time when he seems to be the most receptive and make it seem like it is his idea. Whatever you do don't make it seem like it is something you are doing for him....it will push him away. (I would get others opinions on this....it would seem pretty risky.....my W got hair extensions a few years ago...and I couldn't stand them )
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I really long to celebrate with him.
I know what you mean. I recently separated per W request and I took my almost 3 year old twins on a vacation at the beach. We had a great time, but it wasn't the same not having another person there that had the saem love for my children as I did.
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Your support and comments help me to keep a clear head.
Just being able to talk to someone who has/is experiencing the same thing helps immensely. Knowing that I am not crazy is going to make all of the difference.
Jack, reading the things that you have said ring so true. The last couple of times that I told my H that I love him either met with no response, or a pause before his reply. I knew that I should not have said it, and I have since stopped. But having gone thru what I have, I realize how precious it is to be able to tell the ones you love, that you love them.
You're right. This Sucks!
Oh well, I am going tonight to have a glass of wine with a couple of friends, and then to visit my oldest son and my new 2 week old grandson.
Twin, hug those babies as often as you can. They grow sooooo fast. I miss my kids being little. I love them grown, but I miss that part of my life.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Oh well, I am going tonight to have a glass of wine with a couple of friends, and then to visit my oldest son and my new 2 week old grandson.
This is exactly the type of thing you need to do, go out with friends....he will miss you.
PS: I hug them all the time, they are a wonderful gift and considering what we went through to get them makes this separation all the more difficult. At least you get to experience little kids again through your granchildren....and give them back when they get cranky
TwinDad Me 39, W 36, M 11 W - MLC, WAW???? 2 Kids B/G 3 YRS Old Start of the Long and Bumpy Road..... On the verge of piecing.....a new beginning
Jack, I have ordered the DB book and expect it to arrive any day. I hope that it might come so I will have it for the long weekend. I have read the D Remedy, and love it. It is what lead me to this site.
Twin, I enjoyed my GAL night, and found peace in holding my new grandson. You were right, he did miss me. When I came home I found that he had stopped our local pub on his way home, had a few drinks and brought us both home dinners. Unfortunately, I was not at home when he got there, and because I had not called to let him know where I was and what I was doing (like I usually would) he was ANGRY. He was very verbally abusive (again threatening D) this morning, but I did not respond at all.
I do feel bad now though that I had not called to let him know I was going out. I feel like I missed a chance for an “up” on the rollercoaster and a possible “good” holiday weekend. I’m pretty sure now that I will be home alone this evening while he is at the pub getting drunk and having a grand old time with all of our friends.
I hate doubting and second guessing myself. I hate that all the rules for our R are out the window. I hate that he is at the bar every night. I really hate wondering when the next verbal explosion is going to happen, and why.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
I feel like I missed a chance for an “up” on the rollercoaster and a possible “good” holiday weekend.
You actually don't want 'ups' Up's lead to downs. Getting your hopes up or expectations, lead to the downs, and the downs are quick and scary and long.
You want an even keel. You want as flat of a ride as possible. Expecations at zero, neither good nor bad. Is the best way.
Hope, Lady, realize that right now nothing you are going to do is going to make him happy. You are his target always will be. If this is MLC, then...life isn't fair. This monster will want others around him to feel as badly as they do, especially the ones they love/loved. I don't know why, just seems to be the case.
You regret nothing in protecting yourself. You regret nothing that is morally acceptable to you in GALing.
Understand?
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
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