Another new topic! already? Here we go

[Aud31]

Yikes! Sorry it's been a few days...the week's gotten away from me! Okay, so here goes:

Have you read any, many, of the books on recovering from infidelity?

I have read SO MUCH through this whole thing. The books that demand complete transparency, I understand and agree with, but they make me cringe, because I don't have that. For me, I can't say that I fully trust my H, but I'm still watching actions, and just leaving it where it is seems to be working for us right now. Will that blow up in my face someday? Sigh. Maybe. But I can't see how a power struggle now will be productive. Wish I were more clear on that one.

the books seem to be split on how much you need to know about the A. I think it depends on the person, and the time. I'm willing to listen if my W wants to tell me, but I don't ask.

I think this is a personal decision as well. I used to ask TONS of questions, and H answered most of them. But even then, I can't trust that he was fully honest, so I'm back to just taking everything a day at a time. Sometimes I want to ask something, but the voice inside me tells me that more than likely I don't want to know, and then again, how can I be sure he's telling the truth? So I try to not go there. By the same token, every once in awhile a comment will just slip out...about H, OW, etc. I always feel bad afterwards, because I don't want him to think I'm holding any of this over his head, or that it is a light matter.

But, now I sound paranoid or cockholded. I don't think I'm either. I'm making choices for me. I may not know everything, but my eyes are open, I know what I'm getting into and I'm making choices.

Could have written this myself. What makes it okay for me is that I'm not making choices out of fear, I'm doing what I want to do. So if it does go bad, I can't say it's all his fault. (I think that scares me more than being 'the fool'.) But I think in the end, I'd rather live an imperfect connected life than walk around with an invisible wall to protect me from outside attack--I think the opportunities for loving relationships (with everyone) outweigh the risk of betrayal.

doing a 180 is a great idea!

Any ideas where you want to start? I'm sure a good C can help you map out what you'd like to do. I probably need to do this too, but I've got a lot on my plate right now with my little family. I'm not currently working on any 180s...just enjoying H's mini 180 of coming home most nights and being more available to me. I'm so easy to knock off track...