I actually think that I deal with the anger and hurt for myself. I've been trying to acknowledge it, feel it for a bit, and then put it aside and move on. ADs help enormously with this - I can get stuck in a 'thought vortex' for hours, carrying on inside my head and bawling my head off as I go through my day. This hasn't happened since I started the meds, thank god. Being that angry and sad all the time only punishes ME and doesn't do anything to make the situation better.
The conversation I want to have with my H is to tell him how difficult I'm finding sex. Not the sex part (that is usually pretty good :), but the fact that I open myself up emotionally during, and there's nowhere to go with that after. I often lie there leaking tears because I can't tell him that I love him and I have to pretend that it's all just physical. He either doesn't notice or pretends not to, because for a really long time after the last revelation of infidelity (previous to the most recent, in the fall), every time we made love, I cried afterwards because I couldn't keep the pictures of him with other women out of my head. It probably doesn't make any difference to him that I'm crying for different reasons now - not that I don't cry about the other stuff too - and he would rather just not deal with it.
I keep wondering how long I can do this - I have very strong impulses to tell him that he should move out, that this is just too hard. Then I get through one more day, some good, some not so good. I guess I'll just keep going until I can't anymore, or until I've stomped my feelings under so many times that they give up and die, and I look at my H with the same cold eyes I've seen so many times over the years.
Better get to work - I've managed to whittle away the entire morning, pretty much.
