Just wanted to stop by and offer support. I felt the same way you did and from time to time I still get frustrated. I echo KLM's post.
DBing is against our nature. It is very difficult in the beginning. It is a very confusing time and you just want to fix it now. The sooner you can start DBing, accepting that you have no control over him, and detaching the better. When I first started I backslid a lot, but the less I backslid the more progress I saw in my M. Try you hardest not to because it takes 1 ops to undo 100 that a boy's, but if you do don't be discouraged just get right back into it.
One of the most helpful things for me has been to let go of expectations and GAL.
Good luck
Posts Role Reversal(original) WAW now LBS part I & II WAW now LBS part III(current) T: 9 yrs M: 8 yrs WAW: Sep 06-Jul 07 LBS: Sep 07-pres.
So, do I just simply leave and say goodbye tomorrow. I know this is what I should probably do.
What I want to do is write a heartfelt letter tonight and leave it behind for him to read while we are gone. But realistically there is probably nothing I could write in there that I haven't said.
I just keep thinking of the part of Michele's book that talks about reaching out in different mediums, and how sometimes people respond to different things.
So do I leave a letter, or just leave?
I hate this.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
I just keep thinking of the part of Michele's book that talks about reaching out in different mediums, and how sometimes people respond to different things.
I don't think that this is one of those scenarios. If you've said the things before that let him know you want the marriage to work, reading it won't make any difference, it will just be more pursuit. I'd vote a big NO to the letter.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
I second a no vote on the letter. Think of the seesaw analogy in DB--if you are the one that keeps putting so many heartfelt things out there, he doesn't have to do anything, he can continue to do his best impersonation of a wall.
I wrote a quote down from either the DR or DB book (I get them mixed up now that I've read both!) that I think applies:
"Without me pointing fingers, he only had himself to look at in the mirror that night."
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I second a no vote on the letter. Think of the seesaw analogy in DB--if you are the one that keeps putting so many heartfelt things out there, he doesn't have to do anything, he can continue to do his best impersonation of a wall.
I wrote a quote down from either the DR or DB book (I get them mixed up now that I've read both!) that I think applies:
"Without me pointing fingers, he only had himself to look at in the mirror that night."
Without you writing a letter, he'll only have himself to face in the mirror this weekend.
It is in the shelter of each other that people live.--Irish proverb
I say no letter. Now is not the time. The time may come, but you will not get through to him right now.
Just tell him bye. And don't say you wish he was coming, he knows that...that only makes him feel guilty. Yeah, maybe he should feel guilty...but you shouldn't push it on him, trust me, it doesn't work
Be upbeat and positive and make him wish he was coming with your actions.
I agree that the letter is a bad idea. What you CAN do if you're really feeling the urge to write it is to go ahead and write the letter but don't give it to him...either put it away somewhere safe where he won't find it, tear it up and throw it away, buy a journal and write it in there, etc. Sometimes for me, just writing things down will help me get it out but not bring it up to H. I bought a journal to write things like this into. When I feel like I want to talk to H about something that I know I shouldn't I either write it in my journal or send an email to a trusted friend and talk to them about it. It actually helps. I'm getting it out but I'm not to H.
Me=31 H=36 D=4 H dropped bomb and moved out=4/17/08, living with his mother 50 minutes away from home and work.
Well, the trip was ok considering I was totally sick the whole time and came home yesterday and went to urgent care to find out I have cellulitis. Nice. Anyway, I had a massive headache and fever all weekend, but I pushed and made a nice weekend for the girls so it was nice. It was really hard to be there with my best friends and their husbands. I mean we were all in that house just a year ago. I slept in the same room we did last year. Sat in the same hottub we did just last year. It was all very surreal and sad.
And I'm an idiot. I know, shocker huh. Against EVERYTHING you all said, I left a letter. He said he did read it several times while I was gone, but it didn't do anything (of course).
So tonight is the night. I am asking him to move out. I'm so scared, and I keep crying when I think about it. But it's just so unfair to have to see him everyday and be reminded of him not loving me, and having to hear discussions of divorce constantly. I've lived 6 weeks of hell, and I just cannot do it anymore.
I'm hoping that this will be part of my LRT. I just wrote up a letter because I feel like I seem to communicate better in those than in person, because I have time to think and won't forget anything. So I just did up a letter to give him tonight. BAsically I told him I think he needs to move out this weekend. That I need to get back to getting myself strong for me and the girls, and that I deserve more than I have been getting. I'm trying to be all strong but inside I'm dying.
I'm so dreading have to discuss this with our girls though. My poor D6 is just going to be devestated. And I'm mad as hell that HE is doing this, and then will get to leave and I'll be the one back at home picking up the pieces of their little shattered lives. It's all so unfair. I honestly thought of my husband as one of the strongest people I have ever known. So strong physically, mentally, emotionally etc. And I'm really realizing through all of this that he is much weaker than I ever know. And I don't mean that as a "slight" but just even in ways we communicated. He was such a "retreater". He's put something out there once, and if you didn't get it right away, or didn't response like he thought, than it was over and never brought up again.
HE thinks he was so strong and trying so hard as he just sat and stewed. And I now realize what real weakness that was. It takes so much more to confront and to KEEP confronting when something is that important or means that much to you. He never has done that. And these things are really becoming much more obvious to me now. One of the things I have always loved most about him is his laid back "peacekeeper" personality. And now I realize that THAT trait had a ton to do with how we got here. OF course he takes no responsibility for that. Well, he says he does, but I guess our idea of "taking responsibility" is different.
In his mind he says those words "I take responsibility" and that's all he has to do. In my mind when you "take responsibility" then you say.... "ok, I realize I had a part in getting us here, so I now owe it to play a part in becoming part of the solution". But he doesn't see that at all.
I'm going to DB and LRT and pray for a miracle, but honestly I just don't see one coming. I'm going to try to get into the mindset of GAL and doing things for ME again. I'm still 100% devoted to this marriage and wishing that it will work out. But I just cannot sit in this limbo hell anymore.
Chris
__________ Me:39 H:39 D:8 D:4 M:9 (T 13) Bomb 4-5-08, H moved out 6-16-08, Reconciled and H moved back in 5-31-09 Still doing GREAT a year later!!!
Sorry to hear you were sick. I know it is hard to do things like that without your H, especially in the beginning. It does get easier with time.
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Against EVERYTHING you all said, I left a letter. He said he did read it several times while I was gone, but it didn't do anything (of course).
I suspected you would leave the letter, most of the time when we get something in our minds then there is no stopping us. But, the good thing is that you saw that it didn't work, so now you can refrain from doing it again. You can't keep doing the same thing and expect different results.
Are you asking him to move out to get a reaction out of him or because that is what you need? I have said it many times before that if my H and I hadn't separated when we did, we would probably be D now. I couldn't detach, I couldn't leave him alone, I was obsessed with making him see things my way. With that said, make sure you are asking him to leave because it is what YOU need and not to get a reaction out of him.
I don't have kids, but maybe others can chime in on how they have handled separations.
I think I asked this before but I don't remember you answering. Is there any reason to believe he is having an affair?
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I'm going to try to get into the mindset of GAL and doing things for ME again.
That is great. What kind of things are you going to do for YOU??
