I think you are right about his showing too much emotion to the C. He has also said that he knows his current "feelings" are not fair to me, and I think he does not want to admit to our Cancer team how he is now hurting me. Perceptions have always been very important to him and I imagine that he does not want all of the medical team to see him as less than the ideal H that he was during treatment.
In our relationship, he is not the fixer, I am. And I think that was/is a big part of his issue. When I was sick, I couldn't "fix" things (even myself), and he is not comfortable in that role. He is more of an avoider and procrastinator. He could not fix me, and (I think you are right again) the crying took its toll.
In times when he is feeling down he has admitted that he is afraid/does not want to watch me die (though I currently have a "clean bill of health"), and is wondering if he is trying to push me away so that he will not have to watch that. He has also repeatedly said that there is another man out there that will love me, take care of me in the way that I deserve, and that he just can't do that. I think his feelings of worthlessness come in to play here. Then the next day, he is making future plans with me! So up and down we go.
You comments and advice are very comforting to me. Just having someone understand and be supportive is helping me keep calm and enables me to work on the DBing. Most of my friends and coworkers are so angry that he would cause me this pain at this point in my life, they just want to see him out of my life. That is not what I want, and I guess lots of others on this board experience the same thing.
I know that I am fortunate that he is still lives at home, even though it is very unpleasant at times. Although we have no children together, we have a beautiful 40 acre farm, and I know despite the fact he has threatened to move out, he would find it very hard to leave our home. He is not a man that gives up his posessions easily. He really tends to hang on to things....whick is part of the reason I find his behavior so hard to understand. And then I catch myself....right now there just isn't any understanding to his behavior.
I am working on the BDing. Baby steps.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
