I am a new comer. I don't know if I am in the correct place, or if I am doing this right... I have never communicated in any type of a forum before.
I discovered this site yesterday, after reading about it in The Divorce Remedy.
I have been reading everything I can get my hands on about MLC, and when I read Chapter 12 I felt like someone had copied pages of my own journal. I truly feel as if I have been lead to you.
A year ago in April (4/2007) I was diagnosed with breast cancer. It was discovered during my routine mamograhm, and I had surgery, followed by chemotherapy and radiation. It was a tough year, but "so far, so good", as least as far as my health goes.
The problem is now with my H. The loving, supportive man that was at my side through my horrible nightmare has suddenly morphed into someone I don't recognize. The man that held me and cried with me, that helped me shave off my remaining hair, suddenly has decided that he "loves me, but is not in love with me anymore". The varoius things he has said and done over the past few months have broken my heart and almost crushed my spirit. I find myself wondering WHY I went thru all of the cancer treatment, only to face losing the man that I love.
I have to say that since reading DR I have started to disengage and I no longe panic when H says we need to end our marriage. Initially, I think I responded the way that everyone does, and I did everything wrong. Since starting to employ the ideas in DB I have seen some hope.
My question is, does anyone out there have experience with a critical illness triggering a MLC? Any suggestions?
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
Thank you so much. I can't tell you how much better it makes me feel to have found this site, and so many wonderful people that are committed to saving marriage.
Even though my husband is acting crazy and has done so many hurtful things I know if my heart that me are not meant to divorce.
He saw me thru my cancer, and I truly feel that I am now to support him thru this MLC.
I miss him. Even though we still share our home, I miss the man and the times we had before I became ill.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
I have heard/read that major life illness of spouses can trigger MLC - the whole mortality thing comes into play.
Me: 46 H:44 Together: 25 years Married: 20 years Separated: 11-30-06 Divorced 12-21-07 OW: EA began 2005 PA began end of 2006 3 children,20, 16, 6 ex asked for forgiveness 01/16/11
He was so good to me while I was ill. I guess that's why his behavior now is so hurtful.
I know that this rollercoaster is not good for me. I am afraid that this stress will bring on additional health issues.
I am trying hard to take care of myself. I just thought that this year would be more about recovering from my treatment. Never in a million did I think we would be going through this.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
1hope, I am sorry you find yourself here, but you have come to a supportive safe place to talk. Everyone here is/has gone through what you are.
How old are you and your H? Do you have any children? How long have you been married?
Any major life change or event can trigger MLC, in my case it was the birth of our 2nd child that sent my H reeling. He was also mean to me and he had an affair.
The positive I see in your sitch is that your H is still at home. My H also tried to hide money, but he had moved out so I could not keep close tabs on him, I just knew he was not giving me enough money to pay bills and take care of the kids.
Don't take anything he says personally...when he gets argumentative don't engage in a conversation. Half the reason he is mad and yells at you is to get a rise out of you. He is deflecting his feelings and actions on you so that he can blame someone.
your H probably believes everything is your fault. It is not your fault; however it takes two to make a R work so reflect on anything you can change to make your marriage better.
The other thing that took me a long time to get through my head was that I could not change H, make him change his mind, think a certain way or anything. The only thing I could control was my reaction to him. I stopped allowing H to change my moods depending on how he was acting.
I made a life for me...I only talked to H if it had to do with the kids, otherwise that I treated him like a neighbor...kind of indifferent.
H and I have reconciled and our M is better than it was before. We have gone to counseling and I have realized my part in the downfall of our M...I have worked to change my ways and so has H.
H chose to leave the M for an affair, not the right way to do things but she was a bandaid. It took him time to realize that he wasn't happy with himself and I really had nothing to do with it.
I read your other post...the best way to communicate on these boards is to stick to the same thread so we can find you.
Don't walk on eggshells, but don't start arguments. Change the way you respond to H when he starts to yell. Say "sorry you feel this way" or "I will talk to you when you calm down" and then leave the room.
You don't deserve to be treated with disrespect but it sounds like your H is reeling from your illness. Did the two of you receive counseling while you were going through treatment? Maybe your H did not talk to anyone about his feelings and did not want to talk to you because it may be upsetting to you therefore hindering your recuperation??
Hope - On the subject of your cancer - please, read up on vitamin D and the current research about cancer. If you google vitamin D and breast cancer you'll find lots of stuff. Also check out http://www.grassrootshealth.org
Thank you for your response. Your comments were just what I needed to hear.
I am new to this. I have never posted in a forum or community chat before. I thought maybe the breast cancer topic might scare people off, so I made my second post a new thread.
I understand about sticking to one thread, and I do feel that my cancer is a very important part, if not the trigger of my husband's MLC.
My H and I had wonderful counseling while I was in treatment. We had a great chemo-C that I still have access to, but H will no longer go with me. Our last visit was the first part of March, and he went with me although he really didn't want to. I had made the apt. to discuss "adjustments/effects of my medication", and my H was adamant about only discussing that and none of the MLC issues. However, almost as soon as we got into the office he broke down and cried about what had been happening. It was a good session, but he now refuses to go back. He also refuses to check out her offer of a referal to anyone else. I have not returned because she was someone we saw together, and I don't want to close that door for chemo/medical issues. I have not had much experienc or luck in the past finding a pro-marriage, solution based counselor. That was why I turned to the DB book, which bought me to this web site.
Anyway, H now says that he never really told anyone how he was feeling, and that he locked all of his feelings away so that he could focus on caring for me. He says that he would cry in the shower every day, and that he has "cried me out of his system". He has repeated this to me many times, and has even asked, "why, did I cry so much" It seems to bother him quite a bit. I have to admit that I can't quite follow that logic. There was a lot of crying going on at that time. Cancer is a pretty good reason to cry. It seems kind of obvious to me that both of us were pretty scared, and it would make sense to me that he would cry about what might happen to me. What I can't understand is why he doesn't understand why he was crying. He is a very sentimental guy, and has no problem tearing up during sad movies. He is a big old bear on the outside, but very tender on the inside. He he isn't the type of guy that is embarassed to cry at a sad movie, and that was one of the things that I always loved about him.
I hate what is happening to our lives.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
It sounds like the reason your H will not go back to C with you is because "he let too many emotions show"...the more you read here the more you will see that the minute an MLCer shows affection, niceness, openness etc...they tend to back off.
We have similar stories... just opposite. My H is 6 years older than me, my 1st M, his 2nd.
I think it being the 2nd for you it is easier to understand that marriage is not a bed of roses all the time. We all hit hard times. My H left right around the 7 yr mark. I guess he had to scratch his "itch". H also S from 1st W at 7 yrs.
The best advice I can give you now is to just act as if you are doing fine no matter what kind of anger he deflects on you.
Your H could not stand to see you hurting, that is why the crying bothered him so much. Maybe he felt helpless and did not know how to help you. your H sounds like me...a fixer, I can't stand to see people upset and hurting, I feel compelled to do something about it...
Your H had no control over the cancer and that lack of control could have made him feel worthless to you...WE know that is not the truth, but that may be his perception.
Your positive is that he still lives at home. Start DBing for you and he will see the changes.
I think you are right about his showing too much emotion to the C. He has also said that he knows his current "feelings" are not fair to me, and I think he does not want to admit to our Cancer team how he is now hurting me. Perceptions have always been very important to him and I imagine that he does not want all of the medical team to see him as less than the ideal H that he was during treatment.
In our relationship, he is not the fixer, I am. And I think that was/is a big part of his issue. When I was sick, I couldn't "fix" things (even myself), and he is not comfortable in that role. He is more of an avoider and procrastinator. He could not fix me, and (I think you are right again) the crying took its toll.
In times when he is feeling down he has admitted that he is afraid/does not want to watch me die (though I currently have a "clean bill of health"), and is wondering if he is trying to push me away so that he will not have to watch that. He has also repeatedly said that there is another man out there that will love me, take care of me in the way that I deserve, and that he just can't do that. I think his feelings of worthlessness come in to play here. Then the next day, he is making future plans with me! So up and down we go.
You comments and advice are very comforting to me. Just having someone understand and be supportive is helping me keep calm and enables me to work on the DBing. Most of my friends and coworkers are so angry that he would cause me this pain at this point in my life, they just want to see him out of my life. That is not what I want, and I guess lots of others on this board experience the same thing.
I know that I am fortunate that he is still lives at home, even though it is very unpleasant at times. Although we have no children together, we have a beautiful 40 acre farm, and I know despite the fact he has threatened to move out, he would find it very hard to leave our home. He is not a man that gives up his posessions easily. He really tends to hang on to things....whick is part of the reason I find his behavior so hard to understand. And then I catch myself....right now there just isn't any understanding to his behavior.
I am working on the BDing. Baby steps.
Most of us are about as happy as we make up our minds to be.
