I want to concur that as a woman, my desire is definitely going to be related to the amount of strength and masculinity my man exhibits. Sometimes strength and masculinity can be expressed in the softer forms of support, caring, and romance. These are a turn-on too, but they will not produce white hot desire. They will only produce a warm fuzzy loving feeling, which may or may not be turned into desire. It needs more ingredients to turn into desire.
I need to feel my man is trying to SEDUCE me. There is a big difference between him coming at me initiating sex, and SEDUCING me.....Wives need the same seduction that girlfriends and conquests need.
A lesson I now have etched in my brain, Dance.
Just as with the Marriage Catch-22, here too the positive feedback-loop aspect of relationships can really get in the way. After years of rejections in a strained SSM, the desire to pursue and seduce, I would even say the ABILITY to pursue and seduce is just not there --> the layers of hurt and resentment are too deep. I can remember a former marriage counselor advising me to romance and court my wife again and my immediate emotional response to this was anger. Why is the onus being placed entirely on my shoulders? Why should I set myself up for yet another hurt?
So instead you find yourself avoiding a direct sexual approach altogether (in a attempt to protect yourself), and you and your wife end up doing this little indirect verbal dance on the nights that you're interested in sex. You say "How are you feeling tonight? Are you tired?", and then your wife has to go through this whole series of mental calculations:
Did he just see a tired look on my face and is just asking? OR is he really testing the waters for sex later on? If I say "Yes, I've had a long day." is he going to take that as yet another no? I hate hurting him. I wish he would just pursue me directly and then I'd be able to respond to him positively: this nibbling-around-the-edges approach is a such a turn-off!
In our experience so far, the only way to break out of this loop is for both partners to TURN TOWARDS EACH OTHER with understanding and compassion. My initial attempts at being more direct, confident, and masculine in pursuing my wife sexually are probably not going to be all that suave and seductive. They may even feel a bit contrived to both of us -- we're out of practice. For my wife's part, she has to really take that Just do it! idea to heart and stifle the old, knee-jerk, habitual "No." Each partner has to take small steps towards the other, and be forgiving if someone stumbles -- it's gonna happen, especially after years of dysfunction. But we can, working together, get back to where we want to be.
Did I mention that this is a long, difficult process?
For most folks on this board, the big hurdle, the MAJOR and NECESSARY hurdle, is getting your spouse on board and working with you to fix your marriage. As Yoda would say, on this all depends.
Take care,
Bagheera
Me 50, W 45, M for 26 yrs S25, D23, S13, S10 20+ year SSM; recovery began Oct 2007
