Help Me Act AS IF, Part 5

[newnamenewlife]

I am all for solo time within a M. The problem is that H *never* wants to spend time with me anymore. So much of this is about him needing to find himself, the self that isn't an H or a dad. I would support that if he didn't have to cause all this upheaval in our lives.

I am cooperating now, yet he still acts as if I am holding him back. I spoke with the mediator at his request. But he didn't make an appt for us to meet with her, nor did he even ask me about my convo with her. He is so used to me initiating that kind of stuff and now that I'm not, it doesn't happen.Plus, he hates spending money. He's comfortable talking about the steps required in making an S happen, but for him to actually plunk down money and take action is going to require some major effort for him.

I wish I could give him an ultimatum--either leave or work on the R. He's not doing either one, just keeping us in limbo. Even if he doesn't move out until the fall, I want him to more mentally present for the months that he's here, though I know that is anti-DB. I am tired of living with the ghost of my H.

[SirPrizeMe]

Totally know the feeling, LMG!
Limbo land! Oh, it sucks!

"The book" says no ultimatims. Wish all ya want, just don't give it to him.

Would it work to let him drive the separation? You did your part, talking to the mediator. Now sit back? Give it time? let it simmer? would that work?

About the upheaval - do you mean.. just the stress associated to the looming separation? I guess also the money, too, eh? Yep. It's gonna happen. It's "upheaved". Stinks for you. I know the feeling though. You had plans and visions of what life was gonna be like and now everything is sort of up-for-grabs and uncertain. Money is tighter than you want it to be. yep.

I know how hard this must be for you. I lived for about 8 months in the house with Limbo Lady. (I finally left when she told me she was still talking to her boyfriend, and she'd never give him up.) It stunk while I was doing it, if I compared it to what I thought a marriage should be. But mostly I tried to stay away from those thoughts and just do my thing. "Give space" etc.

I was happy to do it, thinking that time was on my side. Time in limbo land maybe a chance for them to see a different perspective. I would trade my place now (separated, her lawyer is deployed and the lawyer's phaser is set to "kill") for return to limbo land. Not gonna happen though.

[newnamenewlife]

Really, you'd prefer to be back in limboland, SPM?

I am sitting back and letting H drive the S. But I am also starting to get really tired of living with someone who doesn't want to be with me, you know? It's demoralizing, no matter how much GALing I do. It's stressful keeping up a front for the kids too. I'm starting to feel that if the S is inevitable, let's get it over with so I can move on with my own life. But then I don't want to be the one who drives the action, either.

So, limbo it is for now. We are all going up to my family house in the country this weekend--just the four of us, ugh. It is such a magical and beautiful place in the mountains and H has been going up there with me for almost 20 years.

[newnamenewlife]

I am back to feeling sick and panicky. Went to D7's field day today and felt good and positive. Came home to an email from H saying he made an appt with the mediator for next week. Even though I know we've been talking about S, I guess I still have a hard time accepting that this is really going to happen. I keep hoping that H will lose his determination to leave if I stop resisting and go along with his wishes, but so far that's not happening.

So now I feel miserable and like I failed at being a wife. All the bad self-hating feelings are flooding me, plus the dread I feel about the unknown future. It just puts me into a state of paralysis. When the bomb hit, it took me months to recover (as much as I have). i'm terrified that when H takes this further--ie talks to the kids, packs up his stuff and moves out--I am going to hit bottom. I feel like I simply can't handle any more pain. I'm depleted.

I'm not sure how we're going to get through the weekend away together.

[cw68]

LMG, it's a really, really tough thing. One thing about it is, once you hit that bottom, you know what the bottom is instead of it sitting there taunting you. Then you can start picking yourself up. Sure, there are days that bring you down, but you won't ever hit the bottom again if you don't let yourself.

My thoughts are with you.

[tmi]

Hey, lmg ~ I have just read through this whole thread (a little at a time, as I'm supposed to be working!).

You probably don't remember, but my H was insistent that he was leaving, that he wasn't the same person, that his feelings wouldn't change. I drew up a separation agreement for us and we both signed it - it included a list of monthly expenses for both households and how much money we would both provide, based on our incomes. He had agreed to stay until after Christmas and had an apartment rented and ready to move into.

I kind of pushed the telling the kids part on the day we had agreed to do that. At that point, when it really came down to it, he couldn't do it.

Of course, your H and mine are different people - the main point is that we have no idea what's going to happen in the next five minutes, never mind the next five days, weeks or years.

For me, going along with the separation - seeming in some ways to be looking forward to it - presented my H with a clearer picture of what he was choosing to do and how much damage it would cause. We are in no way out of the woods and I think things could still go either way, but it is a bit better.

I think your H is depressed, which doesn't help much since there isn't anything you can do about it. If there is anyway you can encourage him to talk to his doctor about medication without increasing the tension, do it. Glad to hear that a bigger dose seems to be helping you - I kept talking about how much better I was feeling on the ADs, which was a fairly big factor in my H deciding to try them too, I think. Unfortunately, he's on a very low dose and his doctor doesn't seem to be at all interested in following up with him properly. He has said that he may go see 'my' doctor (he's at a walk-in clinic), as he has been very careful and effective working with me.

I have a male depression questionaire which lists different types of behaviour than traditionally seen on depression questionaires (which tend to reflect female patterns of depression), and I still see my husband in it quite strongly. Things like: I feel burned out. I feel empty. I have difficulty making ordinary, everyday decisions. In the morning, especially, I have a feeling of disquiet/anxiety/displeasure. I think that other people go out of their way to irritate me. My feelings are blunted and I feel numb. I know I feel hostile even though I don't always let it show.

There's more - it's in a book called The Irritable Male Syndrome, by Jed Diamond. There was a great deal in this book that felt familiar to me when I first read it a few years ago. My H agreed to do the questionnaire, but so far, it's just sitting there (I made a copy for him) and I am not going to remind him, as I am still walking on DB eggshells.

As others have said - you can do this! Perhaps you could start by taking over some of those 'man' things you said you counted on your H for - I can't remember exactly - was it things like paying the bills? You could say that since you will be responsible for the house once he moves out, you'd better get familiar with what you'll need to do.

[Grace_O]

lmg,

Remember that failure is an i[event]i and not a person. You haven't failed. This really isn't about you. That doesn't mean you can't take this opportunity to "clean house" as it were and become the best expression of yourself. As much as all of this sux, I've found that if I'm willing to look inside myself not only for an interal validation, but to change the thing I don't like...then I feel like I have control over myself and my life. Do I aleays do this well? ah, noooo. I still keep plodding forward though. What wlse is there? While I still have days that crawling into a hole sounds really good, mostly I can make plans and set golas that keep me busy.

You can do this. As much as it hurts, you can still do this.

HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

Hi Grace and Ingrid, Nice to hear from you!

OK, so I need advice about how to handle Mem Day weekend. H&I and the girls are going up to my family house in the mountains. I invited friends, but no one can come so it is just going to be the four of us! I am so exhausted from AS-Iffing by now, but I'm going to have to.

I want to talk to H beforehand and acknowledge that it's awkward that we'll be up there with no one else to distract us. I want to say that I assume we will try our best to be fun and light with each other and to make it fun for the girls. I want to tell him that if he can't bring himself to look me in the eye and be present and nice to me, then he can leave his sorry ass at home.

GRRRR. It just burns me up that my H isn't incredibly thankful for what he has--a beautiful wife, family and gorgeous country home (through me). Poor guy, huh? Makes me ILL that he needs to give it all up so he can be "happy."

[Grace_O]

lmg,

Ok you get my 2 cents here....

want to talk to H beforehand and acknowledge that it's awkward that we'll be up there with no one else to distract us.

NO. This is where you pull out all the stops on "acting as if". It's not about how you feel, but how you behave. To say you know it will be awkward will make it so. DON'T.

I want to tell him that if he can't bring himself to look me in the eye and be present and nice to me, then he can leave his sorry ass at home.

If he's rude, how about pulling him aside and (keep it simple here) letting him know he's being rude by "x" behavior (keep it behavior specific, not what you're projecting). As in "I'd appreciate it if you'd respond when I speak to you". Keep it simple and NO R talk. You deserve common courtesy and respect.

Makes me ILL that he needs to give it all up so he can be "happy."

As a good friend of mine tells me when I get into this type of thinking...."He's too F'd uped to really be happy, you need to let that go and just work on being happy yourself."

HUGS

[newnamenewlife]

Thanks, Grace--I guess you are right. I am pasting this, which I posted recently on the do a 180 board, but haven't gotten a response yet. It applies to your above post in a way, I think:

At what point do 180s become more of the same? I did a lot of them shortly after the bomb--no more ILYs, no more suggestions that we go out on dates, no more calls or emails unless necessary, no more tears (have backslid a bit there at times), GALing a lot, giving H tons of space, acting as if, no R talk.

But now, after months of doing all that, those feel like more of the same, know what I mean? H is more determined to leave than ever. I guess it has been helpful for me to detach as much as I have (still a long way to go) but I'm confused now about what qualifies as a 180.

I know we are supposed to do DB for ourselves, but there's a bit of a mixed message I think because we are also told to experiment and monitor results, which seems to be more spouse-focused. If I look at it that way, I'd say my 180s haven't worked at all.