Read light her fire! and yes can't means doesn't want too or doesn't know how too! The try things and then give up because it isn't working. If your W. is impatient in nature like mine. Try might mean a lot shorter period of time than is necessary!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
There are times when you think about OM, and times when you enjoy good thoughts about your husband.
Try to take note of what you are DOING in each of these scenarios. If you think about OM when you are gardening for example, stay OUT of the GARDEN. Oftentimes our environment and what we do in that environment trigger our thoughts. Find out what the triggers are and punch the ones you want punched, avoid the ones you want to avoid.
As for the phone number, your husband is likley just feeling sad and can't make a good decision. Similar to being drunk and needing someone to make your choices for you, sad, lonely people sometimes dont make the best choices for thesmelves either. I would argue in some cases this is how affairs start. Someone's miserable and the person they select as their designated driver decides to hand them another drink instead of driving them home.
I am thinking the number change would be a good thing for both of you. Don't leave things to his decision all the time, talk with him, dont just DO it without talking to him. But try to help him get there with a new number, don't take his first mumbled no for an answer.
Is he being emphatic about the number or is he just kinda wandering about the topic and waving it off? He MAY not realise how much it will help and is just thinking it is a waste of time.
If the new number would UPSET him then I would leave it alone, but if he's just saying no because of the hassle and him feeling hopeless that it would help, I would keep asking for a new number . Push it if you think it will help him get there, but don't push it if it will upset him.
I've been thinking of you also whatdidido, where have you been, did you leave early on your weekend trip. You haven't posted in over a day, is everything ok ?
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I'm looking at the list he made and one thing is to workout together
what is up with the list, do you have a list also, do you want H to give you a back rub or something else special for you. I know H has put up with a lot, but he also needs to change and work on M. He is working out you said, is there anything on your list you want him to do for you ???
Quote:
Journaling: H woke up for work and was quiet so as not to wake me. Before he left, he brushed my hair off my face a few times and kissed me on the cheek. S woke up at normal time and gave me lots of hugs and kisses. Nice way to start my day. My family givin' me love.
You ae not kidding, that is the best way ever to wake up. I remember, W coming home late from bowling and kissing me softly before she got into bed. Dreaming !!!!!! your moving in one direction towards love and I'm moving in the opposite (Oh well, maybe someday)
Please post something before you leave for the weekend, so we know you are safe. I'm keeping you in my prayers.
We all have a long haul ahead of us good or bad it's the path we choose thats important.
M45 W41 M10 years D9, D6, D6, S5 OM confirmed 12/07 merry christmas to me PA confirmed 03/08 no sex yet ?? let me hope !!! W moving out June 1st - 11 days - already signed lease
thegoodfight- I did your suggestion of thinking about my H and how much I would miss my S, and how much compassion my H has. I will continue to do this. I have kind of done it before, but maybe I need to do this more consciously.
Mark- I think about OM and H very differently right now. I think of my H with respect, compassion, and warm/comfortable feelings. The OM gets me feeling sad because I miss him, wondering what he is doing, miss the passion, miss how he made me laugh and smile all the time, his touch, how he held my hand, how we did things together, how proud of me he was.
As for triggers, they are EVERYWHERE. When I drive, I think of him. I look for his car. Whenever I have a lull, he is likely to "slip in". So, I've been trying to be as busy as possible.
I'll hold on to your advice about the phone number. I'll see if the hang ups happen anytime soon, and also try to talk to H more about it.
Jeff- Thanks for remembering me. Things here are ok. Trying to keep busy. The list......one of the things we did together was make lists of things that each other can do to help our relationship. I posted my list a while back. He showed me his. By looking at what we feel are the most important things, we know where we are coming from. The list was suppose to be ways that could build trust between us: Him in that I won't cheat on him again, and me, that if I recommit to him, it won't be for nothing.
Update: Yesterday, I spent time with H doing outdoor work. It was nice. He loves doing that. Nothing else eventful. Today, we didn't have much time together because he works tonight, but things were ok. He's been hugging and kissing me every day when he gets home for work, no matter what. I like this change. I decided to clean out the coat closet and wash all the winter coats, etc. Kept me busy all day in between time with son (we made oatmeal cookies!). It helped me NOT think of the OM. This led me to cleaning out my closet. Note: When H came back after I told him about OM, it was fast. I asked him to come home the day I told him and he has been back ever since. It was 2 years of him living elsewhere. Anyway, his clothes were in the spare room. I have made room in my closet for his stuff again. I hope he likes that I did that. I'm really trying to do loving actions so that the loving feelings become stronger. I also got rid of a bunch of clothing gifts that I got from OM to help with memories. There are some important things that OM is going through today and tomorrow. It is very hard to not know how everything went. It's like abandoning a friend....I know, I know....I shouldn't give a crap about him......I know.
It is not that you shouldn't give a crap! It is that your priorites and energies should be focused on your M. It is emotionally draining to act "as if" I am sure you have sleepless nights and dreams sometimes. I understand the passion thing, and how good you felt! That feeling is temporary and don't feel guilty, he knew you M. when you got into it! Keep your focus on you and your M. Things will work it is hard, I know, but you can do it!
Your Honesty should be appreciated and your H. actions seem to be focused on your needs. Read what you can in articles and books they help alot!
Married:10 years D final 8/28/08 10 minutes is all it took Life goes on and DB was no small part in growing from the Divorce!
You are right thegoodfight. I have 5 books I am reading right now! I keep trying to find the book that helps me deal with my withdrawal. Everything says time. So, I give it time.
would you share the titles of the books. We here in "can't" land who want to move to the "won't" suburbs might be able to use those books.
I loved what you said about loving actions and having them influence your feelings. GOD, I'd kill to have my spouse anywhere near where you are, instead of out there in "can't" land
I have a shovel and I'm not afraid to use it. Stubby
Mark- I think about OM and H very differently right now. I think of my H with respect, compassion, and warm/comfortable feelings. The OM gets me feeling sad because I miss him, wondering what he is doing, miss the passion, miss how he made me laugh and smile all the time, his touch, how he held my hand, how we did things together, how proud of me he was.
Who care's what he's doing! Your husband is miserable, and the O M was a princpal member of that pain. It wasn't passion, it was escape from being miserable about your marriage. Don't romanticize your affair.
He lied, snuck around, and used your sadness to hurt your husband. He was not proud of you, he was deluded into thinking lying and sneaking around was healthy activity for grown adults.
Sorry whatdidido, but you are not thinking of OM, you are fantasizing. The truth is, he lied, snuck around with you, and hurt the father of your child. Your husband is misreable and having traumatic flashbacks, don't fantasize about something that is causing your husband pain.
Each time you see an image of that fantasy, picture your husband in that fantasy crying and miserble...that should remove the fantasy rather quickly.
Originally Posted By: whatdidido
There are some important things that OM is going through today and tomorrow. It is very hard to not know how everything went. It's like abandoning a friend....I know, I know....I shouldn't give a crap about him......I know.
Never MIND what the OM is going through, think about what your HUSBAND is going through my dear. The OM was not a friend, he was a trespasser in your marriage. He hurt your husband and your son. He's not a friend, he hurt them both, and left you to clean up the mess he made of your family's lives.
Sorry whatdidido, but you need to acknowledge the damage he's done or you will continue to fantasize. My guess is you blame yourself rather than the OM.
Affairs are like any other unhealthy escape like gambling or drinking. When someone is at a bar and SHOULD go home because they are miserable and they want to drink more, the OM is the type of person who just buys them another drink. Your HUSBAND is the type who holds their keys and drives them home.
How can you fantasize about someone who explits someone who is miserable and uses them rather than taking them home to safety?
