Thanks all, for checking in on me, I do so appreciate it.
I'm fine--life moves forward (mostly forward). Children. life, family and career remain my focus. I still feel sad sometimes--but it's all about the times in between--they keep getting longer and longer, so that's good.
I don't enjoy the forums much these days I'm sad to say, so that accounts for my absence. It hurts me to say this, but I'm just not able to take much positive energy from this place anymore. Coming here sometimes feels like rubber-necking at an accident along the highway. For some reason it doesn't feel "safe" anymore.
I remember back in the day, I used to feel so inspired by the good folks here and the spirit of camaraderie and support. It encouraged me to share my own stories and experiences. Even though I SO wanted to wallow in my misery, the people here wouldn't let me. Most of them, the ones I started with, don't post anymore, or very rarely. I remember the thoughtfulness and efforts they put into their posts and I remember thinking how strong they all were and how I could learn so much from them. In general, the energy that was expended on advice usually seemed to focus on taking the higher road and figuring out solutions. Sometimes the advice was harsh, but it was always intended to help, and mostly people were able to take it on the chin without getting defensive. I was always so impressed by that!
Back then, it seemed like the embers of negativity and stinkin' thinkin' were extinguished quickly by wise DBers who didn't let things devolve to the lowest common denominator. When I got my very first job as a respiratory therapist, my boss (who was an imposing and intimidating man) said I wouldn't have to worry about him if I screwed up, I'd have to worry about my co-workers because they would set me straight. I liked that about this place too and I needed that. Unfortunately, the energy has changed and I just don't see the same kind of wisdom or effort any more. It makes me a bit melancholy.
I remember having an epiphany one night by reading posts by a guy named Michael C (I think). He had up and moved to Hawaii after his wife left him--decided to just go live somewhere beautiful. He could never figure out which forum to post in so he was all over the place. Anyway, he was such an upbeat guy and offered such caring advice to people. After the epiphany that he triggered, I became so much more positive and focused on what was good and right rather than what was bad and wrong. I realized that we were all in terrible pain--no one person's pain trumped anyone else's--we were all equally hurting and I embraced the spirit of "we're all in this together." That guy taught me to try to approach the challenges that were ahead of me with a positive outlook and I made my first "to do list" that night and posted it here (I'm proud to say I have accomplished most of those things).
I also remember how inspired I was by the poster IamTJ and how great he was with his "What you focus on expands" initiative--I still incorporate much of what he taught me into my every day life. He had a whole philosophy on how to move forward and change yourself and how to affirm the ex (remember "always agree?") and he was a true DB hero, especially for the fellas. And Ellie of course and all her wisdom and level headed and loving advice--that woman saved my neck a dozen times at least! And Nicola with her focused lists that helped her stay on track, but also taught me how to re-focus when I was floundering, and Was2Sad with his great humor and advice on everything from how to keep my eyes on the prize to how to be a cool parent (I still use a cookie cutter on the lunch meat--the kids love it!). And then there was Xue with his UNBELIEVABLE patience and grace and Lis with her ability to comfort and so many others who were so kind and smart and helpful. And of course I loved the occasional bantering and humor and silliness because we all needed to laugh sometimes, but usually we were all pretty focused on the task at hand--what we could do to save the marriage and/or save ourselves and how we could limit the negative impact of our sorrow on our children.
I guess my relationship with this place is like anything else in life--you can never expect it to stay the same or continue to offer the same kind of satisfaction it once did. This place, like a living organism, changes and sways and ebbs and tides and right now the dynamic just doesn't soothe the soul or nourish my spirit. The sense of a helping community is overshadowed by a lot of cliques and infighting and bickering and well, it's just not what I signed up for.
This is not my swan song or anything like that, just some insight into my thinking. I will undoubtedly be back, perhaps when the tides change again and I feel I can offer something useful to some of the newbies or when I myself am in need of some support and guidance and it feels safe again.
