Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[Virtually_Handsome]

((((((((cw))))))))

I'm heading out of here, so I'll post more later....

But, I wanted to say that I haven't heard anything to suggest that you are a crappy wife, and that you've diven him away. he has chosen this path, and you are doing everything you can to keep your family together. So don't beat yourself up!

Don't worry too much about D6 and school right now. Just worry about loving her! We've gotten way too obsessed with school way too early, and push kids too hard too soon, in my opinion. I think we try for too much too soon, and then by tthe time they are the age where the learning should accelerate, they are sick of school, and go stagnant. Anyway, my point is that at six, make sure she is happy and loved. Education can catch up.

[MichelleLT]

((((((cw))))))

The stitch sucks.

But you will be fine.

Life always works out somehow, even if it's not how we expect.

Hang in there. Take a deep breath. Take it one day at a time.

[cw68]

Jeff, I agree and am not concerned with her "grades" but rather that her going backwards in something she has consistently been good at before shows that this is negatively affecting her. Much less about school and much more about my D's heart. She's been journaling with her teacher about what's going on between us and her teacher (excellent teacher, love her) has told me that she's been extra sensitive at school recently. sniff sniff

THEN I think about how he could do something that hurts his kids and the whole cycle starts, blah blah blah.

[newnamenewlife]

CW, you know I know exactly how you feel. It is just awful to feel so powerless, so incredulous at what our Hs are doing.
I worry a lot about how my Ds will be affected in school, too. D11 is going to a super-competitive school next year and it actually says in the literature something like "kids going through any other major changes in their lives, such as a divorce, will have a hard time keeping up."

Of course, just because it's written down doesn't mean it will happen, but given my D's temperament (highly sensitive and anxious), I suspect this is going to hit her hard. My H adores our Ds too, but he is clearly in denial about the effect the S will have on them. If he thought about it too much, he couldn't go through with it.

Are you sure you have to sell the house? Is there any way to rent a room or something to defray the mortgage cost? (I'm sure you've thought of those things already.) As you know, I am going to have to rent our third floor in order to stay in our house. It will mean that my bedroom will be a windowless space with very little privacy, but I love our house and our neighborhood and I refuse to sell it anytime soon.

I guess this is where the Ls come in. Fight for your house, dammit! We who are in this position of being given no real chance to save the M deserve something to compensate. I can totally understand why Ds can turn so ugly. It's very tempting to make our Hs pay for all this emotional agony in some way.

[cw68]

I can't afford the house on my own. In CA the numbers aren't negotiable, they are all based on custody and income.

I also wish I could rent something out, but I don't think that would be possible. It's a modern, open planned house and there isn't anything I could convert into an apartment not to mention it's against the CC&Rs.

[MichelleLT]

Damn CC&Rs!

(((cw)))

[CBK]

CW -

I am sorry you are going through this. A few things my L told me about my obligations to W in case of D.

If she isn't working, I am responsible to assist in education so she can realize her income potential. During that time, I would have to pay more in alimony and support if needed (not so in my case). So you may be able to keep it longer than you think.

Also, what CC&R's don't know...

CW - wish there was something I could do for you. This is not easy, I fear I am not far behind you - keep the attitude you have had, we have all loved it. Do what is right, as best you can.

CBK

[cw68]

Since we haven't been married for 10 years, in the eyes of the court we don't have a long-term marriage and the rules are different.

[CBK]

Ahhh, I forgot about that, I have the opportunity to pay alimony at the tune of about $2000 a month - and WAW works full time... gotta love no fault state.

Thanks for your post tonight - I am tired, just spent emotionally.

Talk to you later,

CBK

[cw68]

Yeah, it's screwed up. On the flip side, I just spent the past seven years out of the work force, staying home in part to help my H climb the corporate ladder. I'll have to go back to work at age 40 with no work history in the town we moved to for his job, a town that isn't a good match for my previous skill set. I will get four years of alimony, but that's it. Meanwhile, the past eight years have been rockin' for him. Simply rockin'. He's a good, smart, dedicated employee, for sure, but never once did he have to get home to kids, stay home with sick kids, say no to traveling or not be able to fix a problem because he had to get home to his kids. I honestly think it's bunk.

It's not like I'm asking for, or would ask, for indefinite spousal support, but I can't even get him to pay for me to go back to school for two years (and not an expensive program) that would allow me to have a decent paying career with health insurance (a huge concern of mine, asthma and very high breast cancer risk. I currently get MRIs every six months) to help MY career in the future. Not only do I feel that since I helped him out he should help me out, but this would make it better for our kids and I'd be more likely to be able to contribute to their college costs. But NO.

Simply put, those of us who stay at home to raise our kids can very easily get screwed in the face of divorce.