Donna, I have read quite a few of your posts, and I am so sorry that you are hurting. That being said, I think it is perfectly normal to fantasize about things being the way they were (or at least the good parts of the way that things used to be). I don't think you should beat yourself up for that. It does pain me to hear that you were verbalizing such things to your STBX, I agree that "lying" about that aspect is beneficial for you, "fake it 'till you make it" might be a good strategy.
I think it is excellent that you're using an IC, and it sounds like you really had a breakthrough with how you're processing what STBX has done to you and your children. Personally I have found anger to be a very useful emotion through this process; I have to be careful not to turn it into a pity party about "poor poor Del and mean terrible STBX", but it's a kick in the pants to make sure that I am setting boundaries, and is enabling me to get through the experience of still living under the same roof as STBX. Feeling angry and indignant is allowing me to put one foot in front of the other, and make sure that I'm doing what I need to be doing at work and at school.
Your STBX has become an icky person, and is not the same person who you made those good memories with that you have been pining for. He is behaving in a way that lacks any integrity. He is not worthy of you, and he is *certainly* not worthy of your children. He will lash out because he has to in order to avoid dealing with what he has done and is doing. It is horrible that you have to experience that, but please remember that it has nothing to do with you and is just a symptom of how horribly his repressed conscience is afflicting him.
