Late in the Game-thread 6, maybe last in separated

[cw68]

Journaling:

Damn, this is hard. So hard. I'm so angry right now. I have to send my kids off to their Dad's. It's NOT FAIR! Why should I be deprived of my kids when HE'S the one who's choosing this? Then that just starts the how unfair this whole thing is. I'm going to lose my house on top of everything that makes a home. I'm the stupid one who didn't have this hotshot career and chose to stay home with the kids to help them and help H climb the ladder and I'M the one who's going to get the shaft, emotionally and financially.

Had D6's end-of-year review today. This is the first time she's ever gone backwards in things and she went backwards in almost everything. Yes, she still did well for the year, but in February things started slipping. I brought this to H's attention and he didn't seem all that concerned. "I'll try to have more open dialog with her. We'll have to be more cognizant of what's going on." I started to say something and then stopped. H said, "I can read between the lines, CW68, you think I'm f-ing up their lives." I didn't say a word for a few minutes and then went over to him to say, "No, WE are f-ing up their lives. It takes two." I'm the crappy wife who couldn't satisfy her husband and made him want to leave. I take responsibility for this, too. But I'm the one who wants to fix it and not hurt my kids and not him. He then said, "Well, we are just going to have to try to minimize the fallout to them." So, there you have it. I think I got my answer to whether or not I need to file.

I have an appointment on Tuesday to file for divorce. I'm not telling him because I don't want him to be under the gun, but if he doesn't answer my by then (eight days after ultimatum of I'm filing or you agree to MC or Retro), I'm filing. My emotions tell me I must, though my parents tell me to drag this situation out as long as possible because it's in my financial best interest to do so. He's still paying all the bills and the kids get to stay in their home. The longer I'm in the house, the better chance of actually not losing all our equity in the home as the real estate market has been picking up a bit here. And they don't have to go into childcare while I find a job. I'm not personally that worried about the actual working part, but I worry about them having to go into childcare for the first time ever in the midst of what's going on and I worry about my ability to support myself.

I HATE THIS!