The kids are home. Inlaws had invited me for dinner, so I had more than just some raman noodles ;0) All after meeting with the alt. IC.

S had called me today at school. He was in the teacher's office, in trouble for throwing something in class, and oh, by the way, hadn't done his homework in three days. I was pissed. But at the same time, upset that h was going to blame me, again, for not checking the agenda every day for homework. I finally got mad. Mad at myself, mad at h.

I took care of S. On the way home, all I could think of was how I was going to rip into h when he attacked me for not being there for the kids. Thinking of all the sh!t he had put me through, how much of my life was being sucked up by this mess that I wasn't there for my S when he needed it.

After spending about an hour with the kids, h got them and I went to that alt IC. It was good to get a fresh perspective on things, but it all comes to the same conclusion--h left because of something in him. IC asked me, have you started thinking about how YOU deserve better, that he isn't worth you? Couple that with the earlier anger around S...

I have been afraid to get angry, because then I would be the one saying that it was over with no looking back, no chance to try to fix this.

I've thought a lot about that over the last few hours.

He failed me. He failed his family, our children. And he was given every opportunity to make things right--I would have done anything. Because I never wanted to think of him this way.

But he is sticking with being this new person. The cheater. The adulterer. The one who doesn't have the strength to look inwards. Who lashes out at me, because he can't face what he did, himself.

This is what is, the part that I didn't want to see or accept for so long. And no, I don't want what he has become. And I'm angry that I have to now protect my kids when he makes it necessary. That their father has turned out to be this person. That he threw away that role model, and for what?

I had been so afraid, but there is nothing left to be afraid of.