We are on a downward spiral

[Strong&Alive]

"It is a hard thing to maintain a motivation for doing something simply "because it is the right thing." I agree, that SHOULD be the motivation. The problem is the long term response to the actions. If those responses are consistently negative and discouraging, it tends to make them go away over time. Granted, due to my unending love, high moral character etc, I should be able to continue to infinity on these things without receiving or expecting anthing back. The really frustrating thing is that a lot of these actions, ie cleaning the kitchen etc, are now considered an entitlement by her and are subject for extreme reactions if something goes wrong and it is missed. By the way, I have done this one for over a decade!"


This is where you need to stop being such a "nice guy". Nice guys are always doing what they are told/asked/think they should do, but inwardly are constantly simmering at the lack of reward, usually sex. An integrated man - I'm still getting there myself! - does things only (1) when they are the right thing i.e. objectively he should do it anyway, or (2) because he freely wants to, and without building in an unspoken (but nonetheless palpable) expectation of reward. Category (3) is a calm but firm "No". Do your "homework" and start learning to distinguish these categories and act accordingly.


I totally understand your "infinity" point i.e. "When will this ever end?" This is where deida comes in. glover is great on practical things such as recognising and correcting unhealthy patterns and dysfunctional behaviours. But deida was what really sparked my inner spirit - my reaction to him was "Yes, I am indeed going to die one day, and I don't even know when or how. Yes, life is a neverending series of struggles without guarantee, I may as well be at peace with that and simply resolve to do the very best I can in each and every situation I ever find myself in. Yes, thinking about it calmly, these are obviously much more important questions than my wife, and are what truly define me, rather than the sex thing ever could (why did I ever think otherwise?). Yes, I must confront my fear of death and what to do with this gift of life I've been given by a power/entity on a wholly different plane to my wife or any other woman. Yes, I must start doing whatever my current abilities best suit me for, because otherwise I am just wasting this great gift of life. Yes, I'm intrigued by the whole feminine essence, radiance and testing thing, so I choose to stay with my wife and see what happens - I can leave at any time. Any time."


So start acting and living as if you already had the marriage and sex-life of your dreams. This is not self-delusion - it is the recognition that you are on this Earth with something to give, a higher purpose to serve. Resolve to do this consistently, day in day out, without expectation that your wife will change or reward you, and you will build within yourself a purpose, a strength, an independence, and clarity of thought, that will either start to bring positive effects on your marriage, or enable you to leave without guilt or resentment.


My own experience was that doing this removed the twin pychic pollutants, of past resentment and future expectation, from my marriage. For the first time in several years, it gave clear fresh air for my wife to start growing of her own accord and in her own way.


Strong&Alive