Sounds crazy. Is there a way you can say "no" to those outside commitments right now because of all the other crap going on?
I'd like to but can't. SIL asked for my help with niece over two weeks ago. I also feel obligated to help out whenever she needs it because when H moved back in, he had said, "I told my sister whenever she needed someone to watch (niece) that she could bring her over here anytime. I'd watch her or you would. Unless you got a problem with that." He should've talked to me about it first but didn't. I don't mind helping out every now and then, but if there was a time where I couldn't or didn't feel up to it (like now), then he would make a snide remark about me being selfish or something. Saying I don't care because it's 'an inconvenience' for me. He's said these things before.
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I don't think I would have been able to resist either...probably one reason my H thinks I am a sarcastic/mean/demeaning person.
Whoa, I actually didn't say that last part. Funny that I typed it out. I was thinking it though. I just told the kids I would get it for them.
That's the kind of crap I get from H, and I remember thinking it but not saying it. I wouldn't want to talk like that about him in front of anyone, especially the kids.
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You've said this before as I recall. And you don't wait, you bring it up.
I bring it up because he continues to ask me what I want to do, and I've told him repeatedly that I am willing to go at this either way. Stay in the M or get a D, but I want him to make up his mind first, and I believe he has. He just won't say that he wants the D.
He also asked me if I read his e-mail. Yes, I did.
H's e-mail from last weekend:
I am amazed that you put up with this situation. It is true that I am not happy but I am not as dumb as I act. I know you deserve a lot better.
There was more to it. The rest of it was somewhat apologetic and compassionate, but these first few lines are very telling, I believe.
He is "not as dumb as he acts". That says to me that he knows what he's doing, he knows he's treating me like dirt, and he can't believe that I'm still here.
It's like he's got a plan or something. He'll continue on this way until I get tired of it and leave him.
If a D is what he wants, then why not just say so? Why not just tell me? WHY be vicious and cruel, uncaring and unloving? Why put us both through this he**?
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
His behavior is VERY passive aggressive. When I was going to C last fall, my T told me my H's behavior was very passive aggressive and it seemed like since he wasn't sure what he wanted he was almost pushing me so that I would make the decision for him OR lash out in a way that would make it easy for him to walk away.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
She made the analogy of riding out the storm. Said he was deliberately pushing my buttons to get reactions out of me, and the best thing I could do to thwart him was to NOT react (which was a 180 for me). If he was really being mean, I could say that I had to go and hang up or get off IM. But mostly I had to wait him out, just be more patient than him, and he would get frustrated when I didn't react.
Kind of like dealing with a 3 yr old!
She suggested that the best thing I could do was be supportive from afar. Of course, this was last fall and my stitch has improved in many ways since then. But I think her advice is still good. I haven't been to see her in a while - I'm getting the same kind of venting/validation on here for free lol.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
So I need to try my hardest not to backslide anymore (though last night and this morning were pretty rough ). I need to go back to killing him with kindness.
Avoiding the R talks can be a hard one though. We're in the same house again, so when he brings one on, it's kind of difficult to just walk away. I could try ignoring him altogether, but that will infuriate him, I know it. Hmmm....I guess I could say something like, "Yes, I hear(d) you," with a big on my face then look away....let him know I'm listening, just choosing not to react.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Or perhaps something along the lines of "I want to be happy with you, but I also want you to be happy."
Even better!
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He really was irritating yesterday wasn't he? Lol.
You know what? I think it was more me. As it is, it's always a circus around here with 3 boys, but with an added 4yo yesterday, it can be a little overwhelming for me at times. And I've got two more days of this!
Everyone comes looking to me for things they need, and it is so damn frustrating when H is here and does nothing to help. Sometimes I have to ask for his help, even when he's sitting right there! But most of the time, he's not paying attention to what's going on around him. He's just immersed in himself, the TV, being out in the man-cave with beer in hand.
It just really p*ssed me off yesterday when I told the little ones to ask him to get them some chocolate milk, and he goes and tells them to wait for me, when he wasn't doing a damn thing.
He wants me to do everything, yet he does nothing to help me out.
Last edited by GoingForward; 05/21/0810:01 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Random question: how did you get by during the S? (I could go look, but I'm lazy and looking for a quick summary lol)
Did you just feel like you had to do it yourself and it didn't bother you since he wasn't sitting 10 ft away with a beer in his hand? Did you have people helping you out?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
I know this....Sometimes though I feel like I'm raising these boys all by myself, and I have no help.
Yes, I wanted to get M'ed, and I wanted to be a mom. But I did not sign up to do this alone. H is here again, but he really isn't. I just remember how involved he used to be - he used to help out with lots of things from time to time around the house, with the kids, etc - and I feel in my heart that it could be that way again. It really could, but he chooses to spend so much time at work, and that robs the kids and me of a lot. The kids get far less QT with their dad, and I get no help.
If I ask him for help, he usually will, and I always thank him and tell him I appreciate it. He doesn't say or do anything in response.
It's like no matter what I do or say, it's useless. Everything seems to fall on deaf ears and/or goes unseen.
I really feel like I'm fighting a losing battle here.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
). I need to go back to killing him with kindness.