It is over......

[mcojh]

Well, after 18 months, it is over. I went to my attorney's office this morning and signed my "Marital Termination Agreement" I hate that title, because I agree to none of this nor did I choose any of this.

It has been a long 18 months. It has been 18 months that on one hand I wish never happened, but on the other hand, I have grown so much in the last 18 months......

To this day, I cannot figure out what brought me to this site. On January 19, 2007, after the bomb was dropped, I didn't know where to turn or what to do. Somehow I found this site. It took me a while to start to post. When I finally had the courage to, I posted my sorted tale of woe. The outpouring of support was unbelievable. Some of the "seasoned" DBer's helped me out from the first post. Sol, Theoden, Frank_D, HB, Lonely Olive (yes I knew her before she became Lovely Olive)and many of you who are still here. Looking back, it had to be God directing me to this site. Of all of the sites I looked at, I just kept coming back here. People were here to give me hope when I needed it and the same people were there to catch me when the hope disappeared.

I have learned so much in the last 18 months. I hope the moderators cut me a break here and don't delete this. I have learned that DBing isn't the panacea that some what it to be. LRT, going dark, acting as if are all great ideas, but it truly does take two to tango. If the WAS won't re-engage, you are going to fail.

There are some stories of success here, but by and large, the success rate for saving marriages is very low. The bottom line is that if the WAS is not willing to make a change and take the path of life with you, then it won't happen. Please, please, please don't delude yourself that this is a guaranteed win....it's not. With that said, I highly recommend calling a DB coach. I did, and it was extremely helpful...for me.

What is important to know, is that DBing, whether you save your marriage or not, is for YOU first and for your spouse second. If you cannot get your head right, you will never change anything. If you cannot change yourself, you will never change the people in your life.

Looking back on the day of the bomb, I cannot believe where I am today. By and large, I am up much more than down. I have my down times, but I have learned that it is okay to be down, it is okay to "go to my hole" and feel sorry for myself every once and a while. The problem develops when you can't get out of the funk. I recognized this need early on and got some help, both with a counselor and a low dose AD.

If I could impart 2 pieces of advice on anyone who reads this it would be to first take care of yourself, first and foremost. If you don't take care of things at home, you will eventually burn out and crash. The other piece of advice would be to see a good attorney--early. It doesn't mean that you are giving up on your marriage, it means that you are looking at your options and protecting yourself.

Enough of me blathering.....before I hit send, I want to thank all of you who helped me. Thanks especially to frank and Theo for talking on the phone and through e-mail, helping me when things were really, really, really bad. There are so many others (you know who you are) that have helped me I couldn't possibly name them all.

I now know that God has a plan for me and that plan will bring me to do great things....I just have to trust him and let him take me to greatness.

My God bless each and everyone of you...and may all of you enjoy true happiness.

John

[Sara]

Hi MC,

Thanks for the words of advice. They are very true, and we need to hear them. Good luck with the next stage of your life. I know it will turn out well because you have such a great spirit. People love you. And more people will love you. We still need you around here keeping us straight and being the voice of experience. And more than anything, we need your humor. So don't leave us now.

[karen43]

There are some stories of success here, but by and large, the success rate for saving marriages is very low. The bottom line is that if the WAS is not willing to make a change and take the path of life with you, then it won't happen. Please, please, please don't delude yourself that this is a guaranteed win....it's not.
John

Thanks for your post! I have struggled with some of these kind of thoughts recently, too. I do think that there are maybe some WAS (my H may be one of these) who just wants to exit the marriage, be single, have a girlfriend, avoid responsibilities, etc. (I think it's several of these for my H anyway). And I can't do anything about that of course.

But when I look at myself when I first came to this board and started DBing (And I think have all but one of Michele W-D's books and I'm hoping she'll have more written soon as I will get those too! ) I was miserable, seriously depressed, little to no self-esteem, very dependent person, no social life, etc. After DBing, GALing, getting the support of my friends here and elsewhere, I am so much more positive, happy, better self-esteem, more independent, a good social life, etc. I'm more like the person I was when I met my H and he fell in love with me, but I've also grown and I actually think I'm a more improved, mature version of that girl (that was a long time ago)!

Yes, my H may, and I think probably will divorce me, but I have to think that he at least has to have a few moments where he has considered reconciling with me (although he may never admit that), and even if he hasn't, it has become apparent to me (and I would think my H) that after DBing, if he divorces me it is because of his issues rather than being able to blame me for our divorce. He can't just say I'm divorcing b/c my wife is depressed & dependent, but has to admit at some level that he is divorcing me for his own reasons and issues, and I think that is good.

I do think it's a guaranteed win actually: my H may not rejoin me on my current healthier path, but if not, I know I will find someone who will join me, and my future relationship with my H or whoever will be a healthier, happier relationship than I've had before. Karen

[Puppy Dog Tails]

There are some stories of success here, but by and large, the success rate for saving marriages is very low. The bottom line is that if the WAS is not willing to make a change and take the path of life with you, then it won't happen. Please, please, please don't delude yourself that this is a guaranteed win....it's not.
John

Thanks for your post! I have struggled with some of these kind of thoughts recently, too. I do think that there are maybe some WAS (my H may be one of these) who just wants to exit the marriage, be single, have a girlfriend, avoid responsibilities, etc. (I think it's several of these for my H anyway). And I can't do anything about that of course.

But when I look at myself when I first came to this board and started DBing (And I think have all but one of Michele W-D's books and I'm hoping she'll have more written soon as I will get those too! ) I was miserable, seriously depressed, little to no self-esteem, very dependent person, no social life, etc. After DBing, GALing, getting the support of my friends here and elsewhere, I am so much more positive, happy, better self-esteem, more independent, a good social life, etc. I'm more like the person I was when I met my H and he fell in love with me, but I've also grown and I actually think I'm a more improved, mature version of that girl (that was a long time ago)!

Yes, my H may, and I think probably will divorce me, but I have to think that he at least has to have a few moments where he has considered reconciling with me (although he may never admit that), and even if he hasn't, it has become apparent to me (and I would think my H) that after DBing, if he divorces me it is because of his issues rather than being able to blame me for our divorce. He can't just say I'm divorcing b/c my wife is depressed & dependent, but has to admit at some level that he is divorcing me for his own reasons and issues, and I think that is good.

I do think it's a guaranteed win actually: my H may not rejoin me on my current healthier path, but if not, I know I will find someone who will join me, and my future relationship with my H or whoever will be a healthier, happier relationship than I've had before. Karen

Karen,

If that's not just about the best definition of "Divorce Busting," I don't know what is!

Puppy

[Aud31]

Hey guy--I'm sorry it's over, that you had to go through all of it, but so glad you are doing well and happy with who you are. I've said it before, you're a good man. Take care.

[Yoyowife]

MC,
When you started DBing this was not the result that you had hoped for I'm sure, but the result is that you gave it your all. You are a wonderful man and father. I have no doubt in my mind that you will continue to grow and be more than okay.

Hugs, Yoyo

[Heartbroken]

MC,

Wow - it seems like years ago when Theo, Lovely Olive and even Sol were posting in the early hours one Feb. morning....I truly believe you will find your purpose in life! You have a strength most men would die for and I always loved your sense of humor!!
Your CW is a fool and just remember the Karma - what goes around comes around and I only wish you happy times in all your future adventures! Someday your sons will recognize what you tried to do and full credit will be given! Take care of yourself and visit here once in awhile - I still have a hard time staying away!

Thanks for your update - I had been wondering about you!

HB (not so broken anymore);)

[Puppy Dog Tails]

Mcojh,

That's a beautiful, classy post. I'm really sorry it didn't work out for you, but I'm betting that God has better things in store for you.

Peace,

Puppy

[hopeful4her]

I appreciate your post. Thank you.

I am sure that DBing is not the end all be all, but does help to get us to refocus on us and see things with a better understanding of our sitch's. Even if it is just little.

[ourcrisis]

MC, I appreciate you posting.
I am sorry to hear that it is over. But you know there is a better, more fulfilling life ahead of you. I think we all become better people through all these. I agree that you sons will see you as a great father and a role model in dealing with life's ups and downs.
Take care, with {{{HUGS}}}