RTL - When is the deposition going to take place? Has your W acknowleged that she is going to be deposed?
I agree with Nut in that you should let your L drive the entire deposition. I somehow suspect your W is going to break down during this because all her inconsistencies are going to be hard to explain.
Last night was graduation and it is a bit exhausting, so afterward a few of us went out for some beers. While I was there, my phone rang and it was W. I didn't answer. So, she sent a text telling me D was sleeping w/ mayonaise in her hair and a shower cap on and she was asking if I was still up. I didn't reply. She then sent another text 10 minutes later again asking if I was awake.
Less than 5 minutes later, I get another text, this time a bit angrier: "I don't know if I can depend on you or not. Are you awake?" I didn't answer this one either. It was getting comical and then another one came about 20 minutes later saying "I am going to bed soon. Do you have an opinion?" -- I'm guessing about D's hair treatment.
Anyway, she had D call me this morning at 7:30 and we talked a bit. W and I talked and I said I had just picked up her texts. I have spoken w/ her a bit today and she asked me to call our pediatrician about D's lice issues, so I did. When I found out the info, I left a message w/ her cell phone and e-mailed her.
Sure enough, she called me not too long ago asking if I knew her and D's frequent flyer numbers so they could be awarded proper credit for their flight. I don't have those memorized, so I couldn't help, but I did use the time to tell her what I'd discovered from D's doctor, told her I'd take D tomorrow night so she could bomb her apartment and then asked her to let me know what she decided to do about picking up the recommended new formula for the lice. She said she would and I'll probably hear from her again later.
It is just funny how ticked off she gets when she doesn't know what I'm doing. Who really is the control freak in this relationship?
Thank you for your info. I'll pass it along to W who's mother is using mayonaise and a shower cap to smother the lice. Disgusting to be sure, but it too may work.
I seem to agree w/ you on this one and I'll let my L take the lead. He is the one who is experienced and I'll follow his direction here. Thus, I won't go in w/ any set rules or boundaries.
The deposition is next Wednesday (5/28) and W has yet to mention it to me. I'm wondering what type of junk her L has filled her head w/ and if he's telling her there isn't much we can find. Who really knows?
I do think it will be uncomfortable for W (and for me as well, to be truthful) as she'll be trapped in some of her contradictions. I just hope it serves its purpose and doesn't create anything I can't recover from w/ W for the future. If it does, I'll live w/ it, but it would be nicer if it doesn't.
I'm not sure what to expect, but it will surely be interesting.
Less than 5 minutes later, I get another text, this time a bit angrier: "I don't know if I can depend on you or not. Are you awake?" I didn't answer this one either. It was getting comical and then another one came about 20 minutes later saying "I am going to bed soon. Do you have an opinion?" -- I'm guessing about D's hair treatment.
Jeez...it's just head lice. Disgusting yes, but not that big a deal. You're right...she's trying to control you.
The deposition is about getting to the truth. Having the truth out there for everyone to see with be better for everybody.
I think that you could have responded to your W text: W's repied and said I was right as to why she'd be upset, then she threw out this: "Why was it so hard for you to be nice to me?" followed by "Do you know?" Needless to say, I didn't reply to either of these.
I just dont see how yu can move things along if you ignore any attempts, however clumsy, for her to talk to you about your R. I think, if it were me, I would have acknowledged it somehow and offered to listen if she wanted to talk about it. You could have said, I'm sorry to hear that you think it was hard for me to be nice to you, I didnt realise you felt that way. I am always here for you if you would like to talk to me about it"
or something !?? WOrth a try ? She can only ignore it/say no.
As for the not answering her calls and texts re the head lice, well, ok, so she gets annoyed when your not available, but she isnt wondering waht your doing, and thinking, hmm, RTL is getting kind of interesting, I wonder who hes out with ? (which would be good DBing), she was actually mad at you for not being there for her and your D when she is going through something shes not coping well with as a mother (rightly or wrongly). So again, if your GOAL is to impress/win back your W, maybe you should have answered the phone and been there for her? Listened and validated? Even if she was going off the deep end about nits and over reacting !
I wonder if you're not trying to take a bit of control back by not answering the phone, but seeing as issues of control were instrumental in the breakdown of the R, you perhaps should avoid any controlling behavuours completely?
I'm only trying to help here, I think you need to be super accomodating right now to your W, except over issues to do with custody, of course!
Other than that, I am glad you got out for a beer and you sound so much better than a few weeks ago. Are you feeling better?
Ali x
Me:40! H:37 Together: 12yrs IDLY & left 11/07 ADs 03/08 OW 8/08 Reconciled 05/09 now married! my thread
THANK YOU. You had some excellent things to say in your post. I've got to be honest, I wanted to reply to W when she sent the question, but I didn't know what to say. I'm very afraid of what she'll do or how she'll react, so I'm incredibly gun shy about answering questions like that.
However, the way you phrased it is PERFECT. Those were the words I needed at the time, but didn't have. She's asked this question before, so I'm sure she'll ask it again. Next time, I'll be ready as I typed your phrase into my cell phone and stored it there.
By answering her question like you mentioned, I'll be affirming her and acknowledging that I did get the question and I am concerned that she feels that way. Thank you again.
Your 2nd point was also good. I was again afraid to talk w/ her last night b/c I didn't know where it would go and I was out having a good time. However, you are 100% correct in saying she didn't look at my non-answer as "Hmm. I wonder what he's doing?" That would have been very good for me.
NO, instead she took it as "He's never there when I need him." That is her old perception of me, so a 180 in this situation would have been to talk to her last night. I see it now, but I didn't yesterday.
Thank you again, my wise friend from the coast of England.
