I have the feeling that death is highly overrated as a means of ridding one's self of miserable circumstances.
I'm going to assume that you are simply journaling and trying to express the sadness and frustration you are feeling, because continually talking about wishing you were dead is very disturbing.
If you truly feel this way, are even having thoughts about it, you must agree to go speak with someone.
Many of us here have experienced the feelings of hopelessness that tend to make us think it would be better to just be gone. Hopefully all of us realize how ridiculous that is, how weak that is, and how it would truly solve absolutely nothing.
Yes, your husband is among the greatest of asses that I have ever read about on this board.
Keep in mind that you have NOT been well served by your attorney. In fact, out of my ignorance I will say that I would be strongly considering charges of malpractice.
Make sure your new lawyer is completely aware of everything, and completely aware that strong action needs to be taken, and quickly.
Do NOT quit just because it seems the cards are stacked against you.
There is so much anger still in you, and yes, I understand why. But that anger poisons everything around you, most importantly YOU and how you get through each day.
Regardless of all that has happened, the two of you remain the parents of your lovely children. And those boys want both their Mom and their Dad. Him wanting to spend time with the children, even if it's motivated by selfishness, is far better for the boys than him wanting nothing to do with them.
At some point we have to not just tolerate the cards that life has dealt us.
We have to EMBRACE it.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
