As for the R, I'm gonna place some bets that it's a combo of things - he doesn't feel like R should take work if they're really meant to be (immature, but all the movies tell us so)
BINGO.
Remember when I made the remark about how I thought things should 'feel/be natural'? Unrealistic expectation you pointed out.
Well H said the same thing on Saturday before he got home from work. He said something like, "I should want to be with you, and it should be natural but it's not." I tried to talk to him about how unrealistic that is, but of course he wouldn't let me finish. I just didn't know WTH I was talking about.
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....plus by the time he gets home from work all he wants to do is relax, and working on the R feels like work in his head and therefore he has no energy left to do it.
I wonder if there are ways you can encourage him to do things to work on the R while making them fun / feel like fun to him...
I'm at a loss. I don't know how to do this.
Hmmm....
To start, it might have to involve doing things with the kids, and then inviting him along. It's his choice as to whether or not he wants to be a part of that, and if he does, then we continue to go from there.
Last edited by GoingForward; 05/20/0807:17 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
He goes on a ride here and there on the Harley. He said he was thinking of going on a bike run that's taking place this weekend. He's not sure yet.
He goes to a local bar to have drinks and watch sports games. Sometimes with friends, sometimes not. During those times, I do get a little insecure, but lately I've been better at letting it go. Suppose it gets easier to do that when one has heard 'I don't care about you, etc, etc' so much over the last few weeks.
Ummmmmm......Can't really think of anything else he does. Oh! Soccer and softball, although he hasn't really been able to do any of that since he sprained his ankle. It still bothers him.
But I still don't think he's ever really relaxed. Perhaps only when he's on his Harley.
Last edited by GoingForward; 05/20/0807:39 PM.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Hmm. Is there a way you and kids could be supportive of the bike run if he does it?
Why do you think he goes to the bar to watch the games, even when alone? Does he not feel as relaxed around the house? And good job on the letting go!
When he plays soccer or softball do you guys go and cheer him on?
I wonder what it is about the bike that is so special. Of course, that makes it a way bigger deal that he offered to take you around the block on it - that's a pretty major chink in the wall there!
Last edited by MichelleLT; 05/20/0807:41 PM.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Hmm. Is there a way you and kids could be supportive of the bike run if he does it?
Like how? Using WOA, you mean? I don't know what takes place during bike runs (or what's involved with taking part in them). All I know is that he will be going for a long ride.
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Why do you think he goes to the bar to watch the games, even when alone? Does he not feel as relaxed around the house? And good job on the letting go!
I honestly do not know. Umm, I have this fear that he goes to this particular place because it is where he would often go with the girl he dated before he came back home. She was/is damn near 'perfect' in his eyes, although he claimed that he still had regrets every morning he woke up beside her. I also remember him mentioning once that she waitresses in the evenings, but I never asked where. Didn't feel the need to then.
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When he plays soccer or softball do you guys go and cheer him on?
He doesn't invite us. He plays in a coed soccer league and has often talked about a certain female player. Makes me wonder at times, but I do my best to let it go. As for softball, he hasn't played since he hurt his ankle a couple of months back.
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I wonder what it is about the bike that is so special. Of course, that makes it a way bigger deal that he offered to take you around the block on it - that's a pretty major chink in the wall there!
Yeah, no kidding!
He says he loves riding it because it gives him the sense of feeling free.......
He has also asked me on several occasions, including last night, if I wanted him to get rid of it.....????.......I always tell him no. It's his bike, and I know how much he enjoys it. He will say things like, "Yeah, but I don't want you to think I've got something I don't deserve." I tell him I don't think that at all, and he does deserve to have something that brings him happiness.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Hmm. Is there a way you and kids could be supportive of the bike run if he does it?
Like how? Using WOA, you mean? I don't know what takes place during bike runs (or what's involved with taking part in them). All I know is that he will be going for a long ride.
Normally there's a meet-up spot, maybe a break spot, and the end place. Perhaps go down with him, take some pics, meet him for dinner afterwards. Something like that. Depending on the group, they can be kid friendly.
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When he plays soccer or softball do you guys go and cheer him on?
He doesn't invite us.
Has he specifically said that? Do you think he was saying it because he thought you didn't want to go? Do you think it's something you and the kids could start doing?
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
Normally there's a meet-up spot, maybe a break spot, and the end place. Perhaps go down with him, take some pics, meet him for dinner afterwards. Something like that. Depending on the group, they can be kid friendly.
Sounds like a fun plan, but probably for another time. Not this weekend, if that's what he chooses to do.
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When he plays soccer or softball do you guys go and cheer him on?
He doesn't invite us.
Has he specifically said that? Do you think he was saying it because he thought you didn't want to go? Do you think it's something you and the kids could start doing?
He hasn't specifically said that we weren't invited. He just doesn't ask us to come along. He has taken the boys to his soccer games in the past, but that was only because he didn't have anyone to watch them for him (this was while we were S'ed).
These are great ideas - me taking the initiative to plan and do pleasant things with H - but I'm just not feeling very motivated or even too hopeful today. Yesterday was another angry day (mostly, I think, because of H's car overheating on him), and on top of that, I'm babysitting my niece for SIL again (she'll be here for the next couple of nights while SIL works). Last night and this morning have been rough - picture a 3yo and a 4yo constantly squabbling over who gets to get in the car first, who gets their breakfast first, who gets their juice first, who got in and out of the tub first, who got to put their socks on first, who is going to be the recipient of the apple that was first cut into slices...... !!!!!!
At least S12 and S8 are at school right now. Otherwise, I just might really go off the deep end!
And of course, I received no help from H last night with them. He picked up S12 from his martial arts class, and that was it. S3 and (niece) asked for some chocolate milk last night, I told them to go ask H to pour them a glass since I had my hands full putting LOTS of toys away, so off they went....and what does he say to them? "Wait for Auntie (GF). She'll get it for you. Just wait." I put everything down and went into the living room to see what he was doing. He was just sitting there, with his beer in his hand, watching TV. I told them, "C'mon, (S3) and (niece). I'll get it for you since Uncle (H) is too busy."
I know I shouldn't have said that, but I just did not care.
We also got into another R talk last night, with H asking me what we were going to do in regards to this M. I told him he still hadn't given me his choice. He went into how he is not happy here, he thinks about all the bad times and all the bad things we ever said to each other, he believes we are just too different and that I would be better off without him - the kids, too......Just totally rewriting history, like nothing positive ever happened in our whole time together. I said, "We had nothing but bad times?" He said yes, that he thought we were "two young, stupid kids who thought they knew what they were doing but didn't have a clue" and there were so many fights that he couldn't believe we stayed together as long as we did.
I said I couldn't understand how that was all that he could remember about our history together. What about all the times he told me ILY so much, I don't know what I'd do without you, I honestly believe you are my soulmate and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't picture my life without you......No, we never had those times, did we, H?
He said he just can't get over all that has happened. He hates his life and the way everything in it turned out. Never wanted any of this - didn't want to be a H, didn't want to be a father, didn't want to be M'ed, blah blah blah.....All the same crap that came out after his A.
I said if he really wanted to, he COULD get over the past. He had to let go by forgiving himself and forgiving me. That's the only way he and I could even begin to move on, whether we're together or not. He said, "I can't MAKE myself not feel the way that I do. I can't MAKE myself want to be around you!"
I said, "Life and love are not about feelings. They are about decisions. Things don't happen in life and love because of your feelings. They happen because of the decisions you choose to make."
He said, "What do you want to do?" I said, "Like I said Saturday, I could go either way. I could stay in this M and make an effort towards a better R with you, or I could through with the D." He said, "You could go either way? What does that mean?" I said, "It means I can put my feelings aside, think about what's really at stake here, and pick a path. It means I can make a decision and stick with it because I am willing to do that."
He walked away saying I really had no idea what I was talking about. I said, "Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me know what you decide when you're ready." He went to bed.
This morning still wasn't much better, and that's on me. I didn't sleep well last night, and the two little ones have still been at it ever since they woke up .
Anyway, H called this morning to see if his sister was here yet. I told him yes, she was sleeping in S8's bed (she worked graveyard). He said, "Oh, well do you think you can take my keys to (auto shop) so they can get started on my car?" I said yes, I could do that. Then he said, "I really wanted to ask my sister to do it, not you." I said, "Why? Because it would actually give you something good to think about me? So you'd rather give that to your sister." He didn't say anything for a minute, then said, "If you can do this for me, I'd appreciate it." I told him I would, then we said bye.
I wasn't too kind last night or this morning, but sorry....Just not feeling it right now. I'm just so sick of this "I can't MAKE myself TRY", "I can't MAKE myself CHOOSE" BS.
Getting over a painful experience is much like crossing monkey bars. You have to let go at some point in order to move forward. ~ Joseph Campbell
Yesterday was another angry day (mostly, I think, because of H's car overheating on him), and on top of that, I'm babysitting my niece for SIL again (she'll be here for the next couple of nights while SIL works).
Sounds crazy. Is there a way you can say "no" to those outside commitments right now because of all the other crap going on?
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
I told them, "C'mon, (S3) and (niece). I'll get it for you since Uncle (H) is too busy."
I don't think I would have been able to resist either...probably one reason my H thinks I am a sarcastic/mean/demeaning person.
Originally Posted By: GoingForward
I said, "Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me know what you decide when you're ready." He went to bed.
You've said this before as I recall. And you don't wait, you bring it up.
You gave him an ultimatum. No continuence unless he moved back home if I remember correctly. So, he's wondering if he made the right choice. That's only natural. You got by without badgering him about these things when you were S, now it's about learning the same coping and detachment techniques while living together.
(((((((GF))))))))
You do have the ultimate veto. You can D him. But everything in between requires more compromise and more work. It's up to you.
Michelle - Proud DR Rockette S: 28JUL07, D'd: 29OCT09 http://tinyurl.com/27j9qo2
!!!!!! 