After 3 long years, H is home - II

[GoingForward]

Normally there's a meet-up spot, maybe a break spot, and the end place. Perhaps go down with him, take some pics, meet him for dinner afterwards. Something like that. Depending on the group, they can be kid friendly.

Sounds like a fun plan, but probably for another time. Not this weekend, if that's what he chooses to do.

When he plays soccer or softball do you guys go and cheer him on?

He doesn't invite us.

Has he specifically said that? Do you think he was saying it because he thought you didn't want to go? Do you think it's something you and the kids could start doing?

He hasn't specifically said that we weren't invited. He just doesn't ask us to come along. He has taken the boys to his soccer games in the past, but that was only because he didn't have anyone to watch them for him (this was while we were S'ed).

These are great ideas - me taking the initiative to plan and do pleasant things with H - but I'm just not feeling very motivated or even too hopeful today. Yesterday was another angry day (mostly, I think, because of H's car overheating on him), and on top of that, I'm babysitting my niece for SIL again (she'll be here for the next couple of nights while SIL works). Last night and this morning have been rough - picture a 3yo and a 4yo constantly squabbling over who gets to get in the car first, who gets their breakfast first, who gets their juice first, who got in and out of the tub first, who got to put their socks on first, who is going to be the recipient of the apple that was first cut into slices...... !!!!!!

At least S12 and S8 are at school right now. Otherwise, I just might really go off the deep end!

And of course, I received no help from H last night with them. He picked up S12 from his martial arts class, and that was it. S3 and (niece) asked for some chocolate milk last night, I told them to go ask H to pour them a glass since I had my hands full putting LOTS of toys away, so off they went....and what does he say to them? "Wait for Auntie (GF). She'll get it for you. Just wait." I put everything down and went into the living room to see what he was doing. He was just sitting there, with his beer in his hand, watching TV. I told them, "C'mon, (S3) and (niece). I'll get it for you since Uncle (H) is too busy."

I know I shouldn't have said that, but I just did not care.

We also got into another R talk last night, with H asking me what we were going to do in regards to this M. I told him he still hadn't given me his choice. He went into how he is not happy here, he thinks about all the bad times and all the bad things we ever said to each other, he believes we are just too different and that I would be better off without him - the kids, too......Just totally rewriting history, like nothing positive ever happened in our whole time together. I said, "We had nothing but bad times?" He said yes, that he thought we were "two young, stupid kids who thought they knew what they were doing but didn't have a clue" and there were so many fights that he couldn't believe we stayed together as long as we did.

I said I couldn't understand how that was all that he could remember about our history together. What about all the times he told me ILY so much, I don't know what I'd do without you, I honestly believe you are my soulmate and I want to spend the rest of my life with you, I can't picture my life without you......No, we never had those times, did we, H?

He said he just can't get over all that has happened. He hates his life and the way everything in it turned out. Never wanted any of this - didn't want to be a H, didn't want to be a father, didn't want to be M'ed, blah blah blah.....All the same crap that came out after his A.

I said if he really wanted to, he COULD get over the past. He had to let go by forgiving himself and forgiving me. That's the only way he and I could even begin to move on, whether we're together or not. He said, "I can't MAKE myself not feel the way that I do. I can't MAKE myself want to be around you!"

I said, "Life and love are not about feelings. They are about decisions. Things don't happen in life and love because of your feelings. They happen because of the decisions you choose to make."

He said, "What do you want to do?" I said, "Like I said Saturday, I could go either way. I could stay in this M and make an effort towards a better R with you, or I could through with the D." He said, "You could go either way? What does that mean?" I said, "It means I can put my feelings aside, think about what's really at stake here, and pick a path. It means I can make a decision and stick with it because I am willing to do that."

He walked away saying I really had no idea what I was talking about. I said, "Ok, I'm sorry you feel that way. Let me know what you decide when you're ready." He went to bed.

This morning still wasn't much better, and that's on me. I didn't sleep well last night, and the two little ones have still been at it ever since they woke up .

Anyway, H called this morning to see if his sister was here yet. I told him yes, she was sleeping in S8's bed (she worked graveyard). He said, "Oh, well do you think you can take my keys to (auto shop) so they can get started on my car?" I said yes, I could do that. Then he said, "I really wanted to ask my sister to do it, not you." I said, "Why? Because it would actually give you something good to think about me? So you'd rather give that to your sister." He didn't say anything for a minute, then said, "If you can do this for me, I'd appreciate it." I told him I would, then we said bye.

I wasn't too kind last night or this morning, but sorry....Just not feeling it right now. I'm just so sick of this "I can't MAKE myself TRY", "I can't MAKE myself CHOOSE" BS.