I wonder how much of this is a choice, too. I understand that pain comes into our lives; it is a choice if we suffer. This is all about me, in that he hasn't changed his position. My reaction is the only thing under my control, and I am struggling with that very thing. Do I give into the feelings too easily? Does my "fantasy" of what was and could be, so much stronger than the reality that I am currently in? I keep pulling myself back to today, this moment...
I know what I do want. I want to fall asleep in his arms again, secure in knowing that I am in his heart. It was in his arms, no matter where else we were, that I felt home. That I am loved and accepted for who I am, issues and all. I want to believe that he is a good man, strong and brave enough to do anything it takes to protect his family. That we are a team who could solve anything together.
None of this is the truth today. But it was, for a very, very long time.
I have always had a hard time letting go of things that I loved.
I see the alt IC today at 5. Back to the next class coming.
