I am accepting that I am just bound to have a rough go of it for the next few days. My thoughts are all over the place, from zen-acceptence, to wanting to call him and beg him to stop all of this.
I am doing what I need to do, though.
I went to AlAnon and cried through the entire meeting, but managed to share, anyway. I was reminded to use the phone list.
I went out afterwards with my sponsor and we talked for more than 2 hours over coffee. I got to vent a ton, and she is a licensed social worker, to boot, so we brainstormed something, anything that can help me hurt less. I am doing just about every idea thrown at me, but she reminded me of hypnosis--I am going to talk with the IC or psych today about that. I keep freaking out about a future that I cannot in any way predict. I feel like an alcoholic who has been ordered to work in a bar--being around h when I have to for the kids, but to never be his wife again....how does my brain seem to skip over the past year like it never happened?! The pain feels like there will never be an end to it. Flash memories of feeling like going to sleep and not waking up. And the only solution to stopping the pain that I keep coming back to, is him. All while I KNOW that this WILL NOT HAPPEN. There isn't going to be some fairy-tale, court-house steps stop to this nightmare. It is happening. And he isn't looking back. Maybe never will. I don't even have the escape of drinking or drugs (which I know is better, but I could use the break!)
I emailed the L to get more details on what to expect next Wed. Now she tells me that we are close to a settlement, but not there yet. God, could this be postponed again?!
I got up on time today, got the kids ready for school and dragged my ass in. I cried most of the way there. I was feeling so hopeless, that it is so over, along with being upset and disappointed with myself for still wanting to be with a person who has treated me the way he has for over a year. I could feel the desperation/frustration creeping back up to the surface--trying to look for the solution that cannot exitst. The thought of "I'm not ready!" kept flashing through my mind--would he help me, hold me, tell me everything would be ok? All irrational........ I was on time, and looked for the school social worker, but she wasn't in. I was going back to my room when my principal saw me and took me off to the side privately. She knows the sitch, and actually went through the exact thing 20 years ago. I told her that I want to be stronger than this, that my career is very important to me, and that it matters to me what she thinks. She was so understanding, recognized that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances, gave a few suggestions of her own. I got my head together and got to work--three out of six classes done, with lots of giggles and acting goofy. 5th grade got to get dirty with papier mache, and it was great to be in my element.
For the time, I am back to zen-acceptence. I don't hurt this minute, and I guess that this is how its going to go for a while--minute by minute.
