Donna--finding herself #25

[cat03]

oh honey)))) wish I could give you some of what has helped me, the full knowledge that the man you loved lives in your memory and is no more irl. I honestly dont' love stbx anymore, I still have some feelings for him (when I think of him and ow, and it hurts, that's how I know), but otherwise I've told my heart not to waste any more time on a man who has no time for me, on a man who had no regard for my feelings even as I --honest-- would've given my life for.

You had a life without him and you will again Donna, it will stop at some point, throw this awful gut wrenching pain God's way, and begin healing)))))

[Reincarnated]

I am accepting that I am just bound to have a rough go of it for the next few days. My thoughts are all over the place, from zen-acceptence, to wanting to call him and beg him to stop all of this.

I am doing what I need to do, though.

I went to AlAnon and cried through the entire meeting, but managed to share, anyway. I was reminded to use the phone list.

I went out afterwards with my sponsor and we talked for more than 2 hours over coffee. I got to vent a ton, and she is a licensed social worker, to boot, so we brainstormed something, anything that can help me hurt less. I am doing just about every idea thrown at me, but she reminded me of hypnosis--I am going to talk with the IC or psych today about that.
I keep freaking out about a future that I cannot in any way predict. I feel like an alcoholic who has been ordered to work in a bar--being around h when I have to for the kids, but to never be his wife again....how does my brain seem to skip over the past year like it never happened?!
The pain feels like there will never be an end to it. Flash memories of feeling like going to sleep and not waking up. And the only solution to stopping the pain that I keep coming back to, is him. All while I KNOW that this WILL NOT HAPPEN. There isn't going to be some fairy-tale, court-house steps stop to this nightmare. It is happening. And he isn't looking back. Maybe never will. I don't even have the escape of drinking or drugs (which I know is better, but I could use the break!)

I emailed the L to get more details on what to expect next Wed. Now she tells me that we are close to a settlement, but not there yet. God, could this be postponed again?!

I got up on time today, got the kids ready for school and dragged my ass in. I cried most of the way there. I was feeling so hopeless, that it is so over, along with being upset and disappointed with myself for still wanting to be with a person who has treated me the way he has for over a year. I could feel the desperation/frustration creeping back up to the surface--trying to look for the solution that cannot exitst. The thought of "I'm not ready!" kept flashing through my mind--would he help me, hold me, tell me everything would be ok? All irrational........
I was on time, and looked for the school social worker, but she wasn't in. I was going back to my room when my principal saw me and took me off to the side privately. She knows the sitch, and actually went through the exact thing 20 years ago. I told her that I want to be stronger than this, that my career is very important to me, and that it matters to me what she thinks. She was so understanding, recognized that I am doing the best that I can under the circumstances, gave a few suggestions of her own. I got my head together and got to work--three out of six classes done, with lots of giggles and acting goofy. 5th grade got to get dirty with papier mache, and it was great to be in my element.

For the time, I am back to zen-acceptence. I don't hurt this minute, and I guess that this is how its going to go for a while--minute by minute.

Still hate this. But that is ok.

[oldtimer]

I'd say it is your largely your choice how long you continue to hold onto being broken-Donna. You seem to be looking for validation that you will always be like that, being drawn to the swiss cheese posts, upping your tag lines again. That will certainly keep you stuck.

FWIW, from my point of view, it doesn't seem to me that you actually want to reconcile with STBX. I don't think you lied to STBX at all. I think you are lying to yourself about it — you want to think you were lying to him. This stuff isn't about him. It is about you not wanting to be OK because of what you think it will mean about you. So, you keep using him, violating his boundaries, putting yourself in harms way to stay in your comfort zone. Until you accept that it is OK to be OK, you'll find someway to keep sabotaging yourself and upping the drama in your life. Being OK is really the better alternative.

So, to ask again, what does your IC think about you being back here? What do you think? Are you really finding it useful or are you using it to stay stuck?

[Reincarnated]

I wonder how much of this is a choice, too. I understand that pain comes into our lives; it is a choice if we suffer. This is all about me, in that he hasn't changed his position. My reaction is the only thing under my control, and I am struggling with that very thing.
Do I give into the feelings too easily? Does my "fantasy" of what was and could be, so much stronger than the reality that I am currently in? I keep pulling myself back to today, this moment...

I know what I do want. I want to fall asleep in his arms again, secure in knowing that I am in his heart. It was in his arms, no matter where else we were, that I felt home. That I am loved and accepted for who I am, issues and all. I want to believe that he is a good man, strong and brave enough to do anything it takes to protect his family. That we are a team who could solve anything together.

None of this is the truth today. But it was, for a very, very long time.

I have always had a hard time letting go of things that I loved.

I see the alt IC today at 5. Back to the next class coming.

[shoeprincess]

Donna. hugs to you. I am so sorry you are feeling bad. I wish I had more profound words of wisdom but all I can say is take one day at a time. You will get through this.

[Trip]

Donna, you are way to hard on yourself. Stop it!

Some people need more time than others to adjust.

[Reincarnated]

The kids are home. Inlaws had invited me for dinner, so I had more than just some raman noodles ;0) All after meeting with the alt. IC.

S had called me today at school. He was in the teacher's office, in trouble for throwing something in class, and oh, by the way, hadn't done his homework in three days. I was pissed. But at the same time, upset that h was going to blame me, again, for not checking the agenda every day for homework. I finally got mad. Mad at myself, mad at h.

I took care of S. On the way home, all I could think of was how I was going to rip into h when he attacked me for not being there for the kids. Thinking of all the sh!t he had put me through, how much of my life was being sucked up by this mess that I wasn't there for my S when he needed it.

After spending about an hour with the kids, h got them and I went to that alt IC. It was good to get a fresh perspective on things, but it all comes to the same conclusion--h left because of something in him. IC asked me, have you started thinking about how YOU deserve better, that he isn't worth you? Couple that with the earlier anger around S...

I have been afraid to get angry, because then I would be the one saying that it was over with no looking back, no chance to try to fix this.

I've thought a lot about that over the last few hours.

He failed me. He failed his family, our children. And he was given every opportunity to make things right--I would have done anything. Because I never wanted to think of him this way.

But he is sticking with being this new person. The cheater. The adulterer. The one who doesn't have the strength to look inwards. Who lashes out at me, because he can't face what he did, himself.

This is what is, the part that I didn't want to see or accept for so long. And no, I don't want what he has become. And I'm angry that I have to now protect my kids when he makes it necessary. That their father has turned out to be this person. That he threw away that role model, and for what?

I had been so afraid, but there is nothing left to be afraid of.

[shoeprincess]

He failed me. He failed his family, our children. And he was given every opportunity to make things right--I would have done anything. Because I never wanted to think of him this way.

Once you start seeing them in this light it does make it easier to start to move on. You have every right to be angry. Its part of the healing process. I am glad you had a good session and are feeling better.

[Deliberate]

Donna, I have read quite a few of your posts, and I am so sorry that you are hurting. That being said, I think it is perfectly normal to fantasize about things being the way they were (or at least the good parts of the way that things used to be). I don't think you should beat yourself up for that. It does pain me to hear that you were verbalizing such things to your STBX, I agree that "lying" about that aspect is beneficial for you, "fake it 'till you make it" might be a good strategy.

I think it is excellent that you're using an IC, and it sounds like you really had a breakthrough with how you're processing what STBX has done to you and your children. Personally I have found anger to be a very useful emotion through this process; I have to be careful not to turn it into a pity party about "poor poor Del and mean terrible STBX", but it's a kick in the pants to make sure that I am setting boundaries, and is enabling me to get through the experience of still living under the same roof as STBX. Feeling angry and indignant is allowing me to put one foot in front of the other, and make sure that I'm doing what I need to be doing at work and at school.

Your STBX has become an icky person, and is not the same person who you made those good memories with that you have been pining for. He is behaving in a way that lacks any integrity. He is not worthy of you, and he is *certainly* not worthy of your children. He will lash out because he has to in order to avoid dealing with what he has done and is doing. It is horrible that you have to experience that, but please remember that it has nothing to do with you and is just a symptom of how horribly his repressed conscience is afflicting him.

((((hugs)))) and stay strong.

[Reincarnated]

I am really going to be ok.

Mild anger to annoyence feelings right now.

Debated last night whether I want to write him one last letter to hand him after we sign the papers next week. About how he thought I had lost respect for him in the marriage--no, NOW I have no respect. About how he downgraded that they deserve each other. Some pretty angry, bitter-sounding things, everything that I have held back over the last year.

Screw it. Let him wonder, if he ever even bothers to put any energy into that.

I am feeling clear. Had a great morning with my students. Getting my head back around grad school. I don't have time to waste on this mess anymore.