It is over......

[mcojh]

Well, after 18 months, it is over. I went to my attorney's office this morning and signed my "Marital Termination Agreement" I hate that title, because I agree to none of this nor did I choose any of this.

It has been a long 18 months. It has been 18 months that on one hand I wish never happened, but on the other hand, I have grown so much in the last 18 months......

To this day, I cannot figure out what brought me to this site. On January 19, 2007, after the bomb was dropped, I didn't know where to turn or what to do. Somehow I found this site. It took me a while to start to post. When I finally had the courage to, I posted my sorted tale of woe. The outpouring of support was unbelievable. Some of the "seasoned" DBer's helped me out from the first post. Sol, Theoden, Frank_D, HB, Lonely Olive (yes I knew her before she became Lovely Olive)and many of you who are still here. Looking back, it had to be God directing me to this site. Of all of the sites I looked at, I just kept coming back here. People were here to give me hope when I needed it and the same people were there to catch me when the hope disappeared.

I have learned so much in the last 18 months. I hope the moderators cut me a break here and don't delete this. I have learned that DBing isn't the panacea that some what it to be. LRT, going dark, acting as if are all great ideas, but it truly does take two to tango. If the WAS won't re-engage, you are going to fail.

There are some stories of success here, but by and large, the success rate for saving marriages is very low. The bottom line is that if the WAS is not willing to make a change and take the path of life with you, then it won't happen. Please, please, please don't delude yourself that this is a guaranteed win....it's not. With that said, I highly recommend calling a DB coach. I did, and it was extremely helpful...for me.

What is important to know, is that DBing, whether you save your marriage or not, is for YOU first and for your spouse second. If you cannot get your head right, you will never change anything. If you cannot change yourself, you will never change the people in your life.

Looking back on the day of the bomb, I cannot believe where I am today. By and large, I am up much more than down. I have my down times, but I have learned that it is okay to be down, it is okay to "go to my hole" and feel sorry for myself every once and a while. The problem develops when you can't get out of the funk. I recognized this need early on and got some help, both with a counselor and a low dose AD.

If I could impart 2 pieces of advice on anyone who reads this it would be to first take care of yourself, first and foremost. If you don't take care of things at home, you will eventually burn out and crash. The other piece of advice would be to see a good attorney--early. It doesn't mean that you are giving up on your marriage, it means that you are looking at your options and protecting yourself.

Enough of me blathering.....before I hit send, I want to thank all of you who helped me. Thanks especially to frank and Theo for talking on the phone and through e-mail, helping me when things were really, really, really bad. There are so many others (you know who you are) that have helped me I couldn't possibly name them all.

I now know that God has a plan for me and that plan will bring me to do great things....I just have to trust him and let him take me to greatness.

My God bless each and everyone of you...and may all of you enjoy true happiness.

John