Been here for months - time to tell my story

[mulesqb]

I have been snooping around here for months reading all the heart wrenching stories holding back my own. I finally feel ready to dive in. I'm so impressed with everybody in these forums at the support they give each other. I guess I finally need some myself.

Mine's the usual stuff. Together for 22 years, married for 17. Truly best friends - 3 wonderful boys, built our dream home. Wife was working at our parish as CCD coordinator and volunteered me to run the CYO program as my boys are WAY into basketball. In the past she has suffered through two bouts of depression which I helped her along with. I felt like I have been a good husband and good father - she has always told me that. I am very involved with my sons, i think to the point where my wife started to resent my relationship with them. They are very involved in sports. She is ok with sports, just doesn't want it to be her life. She would always come to the boys games as she made a lot of friends there and it became a sort of social time for her.

The last normal day was Thanksgiving. The boys decided they wanted to start a new family tradition and have a touch football game in the backyard. I told them we should start a tradition that every one in the family likes equally as I didn't think my wife would be into that. She said "Nonsense", let's play ball. We had an unbelievable time. She was terrific. We had fun outside and then after our game, brought it inside and just had a wonderful holiday. It was one of the great days of my life.

Fast forward to New Year's Eve. I had started to notice a change in my wife. She was extremely irritable and had started to behave differently, losing weight, spending a lot of time in front of the mirror, flirting with friends...etc. She completely stopped attending the boys basketball games and started to act differently towards me. She started to hang with our new neighbors next door, who have a terrible marriage and started flirting with the husband regularly. She also cut off her family from her life and told me she was going to leave her job at the parish and that she wasn't happy. We go out New Year's Eve and she flirts constantly with the neighbor next door. I became very angry and told her so. Life continued like this for a few weeks until 2/05/08 when I got the ILYBINILWY speech. Obviously I was crushed. We started to work on things. I would get better, then worse, then better then worse. I finally found out she was having an EA with my [censored] neighbor. I confronted her and told her it was to stop right away or i was going to leave her and take the kids with me. She put an end to it, but was very emotional about it for weeks. I was there for her and although it killed me to listen to it, I did and just supported her and didn't get mad. She told me many times that she couldn't believe that I was there for her the way I was and it must have been very painful to watch and listen to.

On Easter I took the boys away for a week to give us both time and space as that is what she said she needed. The next morning, she called me and told me she loved me, couldn't believe that i am still there for her through all this and wanted to put an end to it. A week later, when I returned home, she told me she didn't remember saying those things and we were back to square one. We continued the roller coaster for weeks. I ended up going away for a week myself to again give us both time and space. Things were going pretty good before I left, but when i returned she has been very cold to me. Finally she called her parents and asked them for help. I have been talking to her parents on a daily basis as we are very close. They had been crushed by my W's behavior both towards them and me. They finally came over and talked to my wife last week. They came up with an idea of us separating. My wife wnet to her aunt's last weekend for 3 days and I am currently living at my parents for 4 days. We are supposed to continue this for a few weeks to see how this works. My boys are not taking it well.

Sorry to go on so long - almost done - feels good to finally get it off my chest! Anyway she returned Monday. 2 of boys had baseball at the same time. She asked if I was coming and sounded relieved when i told her i would. I had started to use the techniques in DR and they seem to be helping things. At the very least they are getting me out of my funk. I have been hiding a very depressed state from everyone in both families. I have lost 28 pounds without trying a thing. A lot of my peers thought I had some kind of sickness because it all came off so fast. My wife told me that she can't get her feelings back for me unless I start to gain weight as everytime she looks at me it reminds her of how much she has hurt me. Anyway - back to Monday. She asked if I could pick up both kids because she wanted to unpack her stuff and just "be home again". I agreed. She came back to the field and asked me to go to dinner with them rather than go to my father's. At dinner, she broke down a number of times and admitted she hated every minute of the weekend, hated her new job and just can't find happiness anywhere in her life. She kept crying and as much as I wanted to say "well this is what you wanted" I just did my 180 and helped as much as possible. I drove the kids home and talked to them about being on their best behavior tonight because Mommy wasn't feeling very good.

Yesterday morning she called me at my parents house at 5:30am. She was an emotional mess. She thanked me 100 times for being so kind to her when I really could have told her - too bad-this is what you wanted. She said she is realizing how many people she has hurt during this. She said that she can't believe I am still standing by her and being nice to her. She said she had just started to feel lost and felt like her own life was empty. There was nothing fun 4 her, but she also realizes she doesn't know what is fun for her. She said that she doesn't want to leave her house anymore that she loves it and her kids. She asked if when I come back on Friday if she could stay home even if it means sleeping in the basement. I told her that we would talk about it. We had planned to talk last night between 5pm and 6pm. It sounded like she wanted to come over, but i felt like we should slow it down and take baby steps, she agreed.

Well I call last night at 5:45pm. She gets on and starts thanking me again for being so nice. As I am talking I hear the doorbell and sure enough it's my neighbor's wife. She has become a very big problem. Because she is so unhappy next door in her marriage to that [censored], she is constantly over our house. This is a big bone of contention for me. I don't have any problem with my W having her as a friend, I just don't want to have to participate all the time. Anytime we are in the yard, or on our back deck she comes over. Last week I was cooking on the grill. The minute I finished she calls and asks if the grill was still on, so she could come over and cook a burger. She proceeded to come over and cook and watch us eat dinner through our window. I hate her!!!!!

Anyway - as soon as she came in last night my wife put the kids on the phone with me and hung out with her. So rather than get her back on the phone to finish our discussion I just went out and did my thing.

That brings me up to date- sorry this is so long. I have been an emotional mess for 4 months. But since starting the DR steps and reading i have been feeling better and more like myself. I think that is having an effect. I was going to let her stay home this weekend, but now after last night I am thinking she should probably go back to her aunt's as it had a good effect on her. Her family calls me everyday and thanks me for seeing this through and hanging in there. I have friends that tell me they would have run a long time ago, but I know better. I still love my wife more than ever. I told her that everyday we have been together up until 2 months ago. After reading this stuff I stopped saying it. I still feel like she uses me a little and knows that I will be here no matter what.

Anyone have any thoughts about this weekend? She was close to asking to come home yesterday, but I changed the subject. I finally feel like I am getting stronger.