When life just hits you

[Cinderellaman]

Bill, your post was wonderful, beautiful sincere and so very very true.

I love the quote, would you mind if I used is as my signature line ? I think is to applies to me, and to so many of us here for that matter !

I am glad that you have found happiness and love again. I hope to one day find that love again. Of course my hope still lies in finding it with H, but maybe at some point we will have grown too far apart to meet again...then whoe knows what other wonderful things life will bring me.

I am blessed with wonderful family and friends and with the 3 most wonderful kids in the world !!!!

Yesterday was a sad day, but I see the ray of sun again, I know that whatever happens I will be fine. I do think that I have to work at acceptance. Last night I woke up thinking that I was having a heart attack (I'm 35 !!), I awoke, couldn't feel my heart and panicked and then my heart nearly JUMPED out of my ribcage ....I think it may have been an anxiety attack. It was scary. I truly thought my kids would find me dead the next morning...I was very scared. I do not like taking drugs for this sort of thing, but I have myself some rescue spray, to help me through next time. Hopefully, however there will not be a next time.

I thank you for finding the love in you to come and share all that you wrote with me and all the others who will read it !

Sending you great amounts of love and gratitude, Cinders xxx

[Cinderellaman]

Angelica...

WOW...that absolutely blew my mind. You must feel so proud of such a wonderful young man. For that he is indeed !

Thank you for sharing something so personal with me, with us...

I love you for always being here. That is what a TRUE friend does. Thank you !

[mishka422]

Cinders,

You are a beautiful, strong woman. 35??? You are wise beyond your years, truly.

No one knows what the future might bring but you do know that as long as you hold your kids close and keep moving forward you will have a fantastic life and a bright future ahead of you with or without H.

[ACJ]

think about if one of our kids didthe same..we would supporrt them but may not agree.

I may put myself out on a limb here BUT having gone through this myself I would NEVER support any of my children who did the same to their spouse. Call me a hard hearted bi**ch BUT I've seen what that support does to the WAS. It fuels thier reasoning for doing what they are doing. I don't want to be responsible for encouraging someone (no matter how much I love them) to cause an immeasurable amount of pain to their family. I'm fairly certain that if my MIL had stuck to her own principles (which I know she taught H) throughout all of this his attitude would be very different now. He would probably still be with OW BUT I don't believe he would have sunk as low as he has if in the back of his mind he truely knew his mother disapproved. Her opinion is VERY important to him and right now he thinks b/c she has 'accepted' his behaviour that she is reinforcing that he is doing the 'right' thing.

[tpaschal]

[quote=ACJ]

I'm fairly certain that if my MIL had stuck to her own principles (which I know she taught H) throughout all of this his attitude would be very different now. He would probably still be with OW BUT I don't believe he would have sunk as low as he has if in the back of his mind he truely knew his mother disapproved. Her opinion is VERY important to him and right now he thinks b/c she has 'accepted' his behaviour that she is reinforcing that he is doing the 'right' thing.

ACJ,

I'm sorry you're going through such a tough time and for the hurt you are feeling about your MIL's support of H.

My IL's totally do NOT support my H, and their relationship with him has become so negative that he will not speak to them anymore and will not even allow the kids to speak to or see their grandparents when H has possession of them during his visitation times. (FIL tutors D14 in Algebra, but H won't let her go for tutoring this weekend. Sad.)

But I don't know that it has the effect they were hoping for. In fact, I think it has allowed H to sink to an even lower place with the OW. I'm not sure why that is---maybe he thinks he's lost everything, even his parent's love, so why not sink as low as possible?

I don't think I'm explaining myself well.

I just mean that having your MIL support your H and OW may be helping him justify his behavior, but the flip side---if your MIL did not condone his behavior and let him know it---might not bring the result you were hoping for, either.

[kikifree]

Yep, I agree about the guilt....not sure though, because my H is doing as much 'nice' things as possible as in maintaining me and the kids so that he seems 'guiltfree' to the outside world, it's like scoring points so that he can get a merrit badge ! Who knows really...and frankly, no point in worrying about it. The thing is ...they MAY or MAY NOT see it one day...so we're back to square one, therefore, no use worrying about it ! URGH...wow what a ramble ! hahaha

Maybe that is why he DOESN't feel guilty ..or he actually does and is doing all those nice things.

Cinders, you are right. What can we do?

[kikifree]

Hi ACJ,

I wouldn't say you would be ENCOURAGING someone to hurt someone else. But you can not control another human being. You can not make there choices for them.

You could only love them unconditionally.

And his mother MAY dissaprove but she is not gonig t oturn her back on her son.

[naej]

I have thoughts along the lines of ACJ, BUT I really have no idea how I would react IF one of my children did the same-is it just a son thing or would it apply to daughters?
I however did call my MIL on how she accepted OW into the family after having me as her DIL for 30 years and knowing me since I was 5yrs old.
I received a v scathing letter saying I had no right to say who she could and could not see in HER family! This after just weeks before saying I would always be her DIL and that my H had never said a bad thing about me BUT "these things happen"! I HATE that phrase with a vengence now.
She then wrote an 11 page letter to her sister re writing my m and cataloguing all my failings in that m. Pure fiction.
I then asked her not to send me the occassional card saying she was thinking of me.
We have had no contact since-8 years. She has seen one grandchild once since then -he visited her as he was in the area. NO mention of anything to do with his Dad or me, just how well her other g/children were doing. I and my children no longer exist.
So be warned. These where the people who I did so much for and loved dearly getting on with them better than my own parents. Had my FIL still been alive I think it would have been different.
She has also never seen her g,g g/son.
I feel so sorry for her but that's how she has always lived her life, unpleasantness doesn,t exist all swept under the rug.
For her 80th birthday I sent flowers and a card from me and kids-they all got a call thank you-me? Im still waiting.

[Cinderellaman]

Dear friends,

All the above says to me is that we must live this day by day, moment by moment...some of us will have the bad luck that we get 'dumped' once again, this time by the family of our spouses, some of us will be lucky enough to still have good relationships. I am not God and cannot look into the future. I refuse to lock my heart up. I want to love them too, and if they love me back, then that is wonderful, if one day they stop doing that, it will be their loss, not mine and I will know that my heart was always open to them. I know it keeps me in a vulnerable place, but it is who I am, and I think that even with H, who has hurt me most of all by making the choices he has, under the circumstances...I still want to keep my heart open.

I am sorry that some of you have gone through so much pain, I hope I will be spared, but who knows....

I can only hope that God is out there looking out for us and helping us find our true destination.

Much love to you all...

[kikifree]

Very true Cinders, Very true!!!!