I can't believe the reaction I got from the letter I wrote to my wife a few days ago. I spent a few hours carefully composing a letter explaining and expressing my feelings and frustrations in a non-sarcastic or judgmental manner and with an extra helping of tenderness and love. I know I get a bit cranky on this message board and vent my steam with y'all but this letter had none of that. I told her how much I loved her and with all sincerity expressed that I felt my love for her was stronger than ever and that I'd like to find ways for us to get closer and I'd like to dialog about that with her sometime. I mentioned SSM book and said it had really helped me to see her point of view better and that it would be helpful to me if she would consider taking a look at it. Didn't say I need more sex or you better give it to me more or anything like that. I said I was frustrated and sad that our relationship didn't include as much intimacy as I'd like. I don't think I could have been more gentle or thoughtful in the letter. She was very nice after reading it and said I was a "sugar-boy" (sweetie) and thought it was well written. She didn't say much else and we just went about our evening normally but enjoying each other's company.
I felt good. I was damn curious to get some feedback but satisfied that she perked up a bit after reading it. I held my tongue for a few days not asking what she thought about what I had written. The letter specifically requested feedback so I could understand how she felt about it. Finally, after we got a few moments together last night I asked what she thought. She said "what do you mean? I enjoyed it, it was well written but there's nothing new there. I already know everything about how you feel."
I was shocked and starting to feel that cold/hot fear clawing its way up from my stomach to my head. She started saying that there is absolutely nothing she could do or talk about since we've been over it before, she was simply not a sexual person and would not even consider trying to change that. She said the relationship was just fine for her, she was truly happy with me and that she loved me very deeply but if I was so frustrated and sexually unhappy I should find someone else to f*** and that we should not be together. My God, I think my my heart split in two and half went spinning off into space. I know she means it. From her vantage point, the only significant problem in our relationship is that I think there is a problem. At that moment I realized that the problem is so much more troubling than just her not wanting to be intimate with me. I realize now that I can’t even talk about anything deep that is bothering me. I can’t trust her now. I’m trapped. She is so close to cutting me loose that if I bring anything up or even appear to be frustrated, sad, depressed or whatever I fear the guillotine is poised to drop and will.
What is so perplexing is that she would rather end an otherwise wonderful relationship, destroy a family than consider tweaking our sex life so that I would be happy. I really am not asking for a ton more. Of course, I’d love a ton more, but I’m willing to be reasonable and settle for somewhere in the middle (1-2 times a week would be a survival level for me, once every month or two is current level) and I want to be able to discuss my feelings without fear of another reaction like the last. She always says she wants me to open up and talk with her what’s going on with me; when I do she reacts in a way that tells me to shut the F up, eat your frustration, don’t burden me with your troubles. She even said “I can only take, babe...I can’t give you more than I’m giving. I know that’s tough on you so maybe we should call it quits. You really need more from a woman.”
I began weeping (something I never do--some 210 lb tough Texan, huh?) and apologized (which pissed her off more) for putting pressure on her. I said I really was very happy with most of the relationship and had absolutely no interest in getting into another “better” relationship; only that I wanted her and that my love had been growing for her. I kissed her and hugged her (she actually let me???) and said I just needed to get it off my chest and that I'd learn how to deal with the frustration. We went to sleep on ok terms. Very weird, but a close call. A few wrong words out of my big mouth and she would have packed up right then.
Although this morning she gave me a little peck and said she loved me I know that I am on probation now and have to be extremely careful not to let her know how I really feel, unless I want to end it.
From her bizzare Jekyl & Hyde reaction I'm almost certain now that this is a chemical issue (I've suspected for a long time) and there is nothing I can do relationship wise to improve things. She simply is not mentally/physically balanced. I am in a giver/taker relationship where one person holds the reins and the whip and the other bows and begs for forgiveness for getting the whip bloody. Am I a masochist?
I love her so much (apparently a defect) I will do anything to stay with her, even if it means swallowing my own sadness and pain. I’m considering talking to my doctor about anti depressants with a libido lowering side effect. It is killing me to let things come to this but I’ve fallen off the cliff and am scratching for a handhold to keep us alive.
