Help! New to this...still hoping for R

[sandi2]

Rusty, I'm going to be very straight with you here. I can't help but wonder if it is all about the business more than the love relationship. If it is the business, then you need to handle your end of the business and get the M out of the way if you no longer have love for your H. If you want a M with him, then something has got to give, and I'm not talking about the business.....I'm talking about you! Look at what you said here:

Sometimes I feel like if I let the anger go and do the 180, I am giving approval to what he is doing and I don't approve. Our relationship has always been with me in control - so the loss of control has been huge for me.

The fact is, honey, you do not want to give up your control! I would suspect that you have tried to have your way all your life by showing how angry you can get if things don't go your way. Perhaps, you were that way as a child and threw fits when you didn't get your way. While you were growing up, did you control friendships, dating, etc. by spewing your wrath on others if they did not do what you wanted? Perhaps you raised your children to know that they better do what you wanted or they would have to deal with your anger as a result.....and you certainly tried to control the MR with your anger. Maybe I'm way off base here....but you have admitted that you did try to control your H and your tool was your anger. You have an issue with wanting to be the one in control. I suspect that is why you want on the board of the business.......to be in control of it. (I don't really blame you for that part...but what I'm saying is it all goes back to the same old problem that you have had.....maybe all your life.)

Men get tired real fast of women that use their anger to get their way. Men don't like to feel they are being controlled by their W's anymore that we like to feel that our H's are manipulating us.

Ask yourself why you are afraid of loosing control? You said that you were afraid to use the 180, etc. b/c you thought he would look at it as though you were condoning what he was doing. I can't remember if those were the exact words, but something to that effect. You are actually afraid to use the DB techniques b/c of the fear of giving up the control. I am worried about you, sweetie, b/c this is more serious than I think you realize. Listen, I have grown children also, and when your grown son has to tell you what your son told you.....you better wake up fast! I mean it. He is telling you what other people would love to tell you but they don't dare! He is telling you what you don't want to hear about yourself b/c he sees what you have turned into now (much less the future) and he loves you and it hurts him to see his mother this type of creature. I use that term on purpose b/c that is what we become when we allow anger to rule our lives.....we become like some type of monster. It's ugly and the older we get the worse it becomes until we loose everyone around us. I am telling you that I have known people like this and it is sad to see them ....them (nobody else) do this to their own lives. You need professional help and probably more than what the Priest can do for you. You need psychiatry help. No unlearned counselors....I mean a "real" professional.

You have got to give it up Rusty.....the anger, the control, the fear.....or it is going to eat you up alive. You cannot even begin to work on that list I gave you until you get help with these other issues b/c that is what is consuming your life right now. You have even talked about trying to see if your H has OW. That was number 10 on the list.....no spying.

To be very blunt......I don't think he will ever come back to the woman he left...and who could blame him? Who wants to live with somebody like that? Try to put yourself in his place.....would you want to live with him if he treated you like you have treated him? Do you have a close relationship with your children? Now be honest. I don't mean that they come around sometimes, but I'm talking about a very close loving relationship, or do they walk on eggshells around you? Do you blow up and lose control of your temper whenever they do something you don't like?

At first, your H probably would think that doing a 180, etc., would be a "trick" since you've tried all this other stuff on him. That is why it has to be for real. You have to make these changes for YOU and it has to be for life....not to just get him back again. That is the same as just getting your way again. And, it won't work this time. You have got to change, Rusty, for your own sake, and for those that still love you....before it is too late.

Please, please get professional help ASAP! You need to know why you feel that you have to be the one on in total control of a R or business or whatever. Most of all, you need to know why you have this anger issue. It is nothing to sweep under the rug.

I know this has felt like a slap in the face, but I am trying to tell you what I am seeing in your posts and I think you are being honest, but I don't think you really see how serious your problem is and how it is totally destroying your life. You can turn around, Rusty. You have a lot of living to do. You have children and parents that love you.....and hopefully, you will have your H again, but it is going to take a long time and a lot of hard work. The decision is yours.

My objective was not to be offensive, and if what I said was way off base, I apologize. I really hope that it was off base! But I pray that you will take a good long look at yourself and decide what you are really like on the inside of your soul and what you need to do to make improvements. A lot can be done without professional help, of course, but what I've been talking about......I don't think you can do it without some serious counseling from a professional. Consentrate on Rusty and what you need to do for yourself and the lifelong improvements you need to make and don't worry about what your H may think or anyone else.....just do what needs to be done.

Take care.

Sandi