My opinion, and since it's my thread I can express it, is that there are some pluses as far as growth through this process, but it also leads to some negatives...that eventually you also have to work through. One negative is taking the blame for everything bad that occurred in the marriage. You weren't the monster you were painted. It isn't necessarily true that all you have to do is fix yourself and everything will be rosy. While the WAS probably does have some legitimate gripes, they have problems of their own, sometimes major ones, and these may rear their ugly head despite your best efforts. Hope can be a good thing, but also a negative. Too much hope leads to expectations that your spouse is going to do something you want. It leads to looking too hard at every little thing as a sign of positivity. I sometimes felt that this site actually stood in the way of moving forward. I think there may be more successes with this site than with not doing it, but I wonder how much of that is simply the act of stretching it out long enough for your spouse to come around. Just idle musing.
Me
Hey Wes,
I think I've heard this one from you before. To me, it's the process of hoping and looking too hard that the newcomers need. Whether it will work or not is secondary IMHO. Caught up in the whirlwind of pain and stress of a marriage coming apart, these folks need something to cling to. A system for getting the marriage fixed is perfect for them even if it is not going to work. They need the system, the mantras to repeat, the steps to follow...it helps them survive until they get out of the other side.
As much as we would like to be able to say "your M will work, your M won't, ok that's settled lets all go have a beer", it doesn't pan out that way. You're going to have to pass through hell whether you want to or not, even if you kick the WAS to the curb instantly. Might as well have something to do while you are riding it out.
