I wouldn't mention the non-phone call. They are very aware of what they are and aren't doing. If you mention it you are just rubbing their nose in it, making you the bad guy. Don't be the bad guy, be the good guy ..err good gal.
They want us to be the bad guys it takes the pressure off themselves by justifying their actions/inactions. Its like they are thinking (I'm glad I didn't call, I'd just get prompted about what I'm not doing right). No matter how subtle we "think" we're being .
Make him feel good when he calls next time, by being extra cheery and not bringing up that he didn't call before. That will make him think (Gee, I thought she'd be little depressed when I called, that was painless, I'll look foward to calling next time) corny, but you get the idea
Good day Jackie, I know how exasperating it can be to find the balance between working on being more attentive to a S who felt you weren't and making them feel pressured or pushed. But as Darkblue hinted, you to make yourself more flexable to go with the flow ... like surfing you need to learn how to ride the wave, as I've just recently learned (and I've been at this a bit longer than you ... so I have to admit ... it takes a while to get this stuff thru this thick skull.) even while "piecing". Lovingly detach or learning to "dance" on your own. Give him some space and wait for him tap you on the shoulder and ask for this dance.
When the ILY's drop off they are a good indicator, that it is time to back off and let them work thru their issues. To continue being so attentive becomes unattractive to them and they preceive it as being pushy. I'm also learning that you don't neccesarily need the ILY's when they do start tapping you on the shoulder. I have only received two ILY's in 2003 with the last on being at least three months ago with the additional comment, "Sorry, I just don't seem to say it enough." So I stopped asking her to dance with me and just started dancing on my own ... but lately, she keeps tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to dance, so now I know her feelings for me are still there and she must be realizing it too, so for now its OK if I'm not getting the ILY's.
I'm glad to hear you had a fun camping trip and more fun planned with the boys. When your H calls, don't mention that he didn't call before. No pushing. How about, "I miss you, but the boys and I are having a good time." Lets him know you haven't forgotten about him, but doesn't put any pressure on him to respond to you. Follow it up by asking, "How your trip so far?"
Hang in there Jackie, it may seem like it will take a lifetime to find the balance, but what's even more important is that you keep trying ... the recognition for the effort can come sooner and even be more appreciated than the balance that may continue to elude us.
I was only speaking about myself ... that it takes longer for some things to sink ... W always said I was dense, especially when it come with dealing with other people.
Sorry it is still a bit of a rough spot for you. The waiting on phone calls is not pleasant. Last night first night didn't get one since he had moved out! Wish I had read all the good advice you are getting before talking to him today. Seems he fell asleep reading and didn't wake up till early morning hours and felt too late to call!
So maybe it was something like couldn't get to phone or something on the no call to you.
I am getting lots of advice on combating my own negative thinking on my thread right now!
Am also going to borrow some of the good advice you are getting here and wish you well!
Hope you get a phone call! And me too!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
DB, I count on you to always reel me in and keep me from my self pity party. You are right, I need to accept that I can do this on my own. I think I can, not wholy sure. Tonight I was sitting in my office and looking across the street at neighbors I have never gotten to know. They lived here less than a year and are moving. They have a 2 year old (2nd marriage for him) and apparently he left her for OW. Another neighbor told us the story and H said, well, that does happen. Of course I wanted him to be outraged, how could someone leave their wife and child, but I said nothing. Tonight I'm watching him come and collect boxes and the pit in my stomach grows and I begin to feel heat all over, the oddest sensation. It was a truly horrible thought if H would leave me. Often I've wondered if I'm struggling to save the M because I love H or I don't want to admit defeat and be divorced. But I think this has settled it for me, it is H I want and I need to do what it takes to get there. And stop the feeling sorry for myself, that helped get me in this predictament. And as you suggest, feeling better about myself and doing things to achieve that are going to help in many different ways. As soon as I get back BFL for sure, I liked having that goal and felt good about myself when I accomplished my goals.
Pad--your insight is awazing, you so often describe my M to a T. Your right, they are very aware with what they are doing and any attempt to be subtle is anything but. I need to give him this time and space. I've been cheery when he calls, letting him know what the boys and I are up to and not complaining about anything!
KAW. I'm loving this dance analogy, it is great. And some good mantras can be found in there. I am struggling with the attentive/pushy balance. But, instead of being upset about the stopage of ILYs, I should take them as a sign that he is working through issues, not necessarily that he has stopped loving me. And I need to stop saying ILY in an attempt for him to say it back. As Pad said, it ain't subtle! So, I won't be asking him to dance. I'm going to dance for myself and he can join in when he is ready.
Pam--I too like the advice you get on your thread, some amazing stuff there.
I'm starting to get anxious about my trip. I'm used to travelling in English speaking countries, I don't speak anything but. However, I'm not going to let fears overwhelm me, I'm going to enjoy my time with my sister and when I see H, I will be cheery and not say ILY (unless I truly do not need to hear it back?)
I hate that the pit is back in my stomach, but I have gotten through this before, I can do it again.
Oh, and the one thing that I have kept up since Novemeber that is purely for me is karate and I just got my second belt--I'm no longer a while belt. Now if only it would also serve as a weight loss mechanism!
Looks like you're already taking some good advice here. Your H is telling you in an indirect way part of whats bothering him when he says you're pressuring him. Be thankful that he gives you some clue. Definitely ease up on the ILY's. Think back to what got him to say it before...if I recall it's when you stopped.
Who knows what else it is about his job or whatever else that's getting to him, but if he doesn't want to talk about it he doesn't want to talk. Don't bother trying to get it out of him, that will only make him clam up more.
You're doing good. I know how hard this can be, and I know how it can eat at you inside. Just try and take one day at a time, try to look at your sitch every day with a fresh set of eyes so you avoid falling into bad patterns. Things change so quickly when you're at these stages that you have to be ready to change with them.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
I don't watch sports ( would rather be doing something myself than watching others ) and so have no favorite teams. Have had no Yeunglings, plenty of bourbon. ;-)
Haven't been home much lately. Been traveling, also Mum bought a new place and I've been moving her stuff. Now the storage bay is empty and that is a load off my mind . ;-)
Looks like you have been doing a little camping, or planning on it. And I hope you have an enjoyable trip overseas.
I don't know what to say about H. maybe there are big things going on at work and he does not want to whine about it at home. I had trouble that way. And I'm a good guy, never had anything to do with another woman. Just too much stuff to do and our company was going to h3ll in a handbasket and the high-paid managers were misleading us.
You've probably been asked this: what is H's love language? Mine is acts of service. There are just so many things going on, I really like it when someone volunteers to take a liitle of the load off.
And your love language is? When this is all over, you can teach H about the love languages and get him to speak yours and grow old together....
Have a good summer !!
JoyBoy
Click on JoyBoy at left, link @ "Bio" is my thread
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So I stopped asking her to dance with me and just started dancing on my own ... but lately, she keeps tapping me on the shoulder and asking me to dance, so now I know her feelings for me are still there and she must be realizing it too, so for now its OK if I'm not getting the ILY's.
Last night first night didn't get one since he had moved out! Wish I had read all the good advice you are getting before talking to him today. 
