I understand totally that it is your life, Sara, and you are free to do as you please. I was not at all trying to make your decisions for you. Just trying to understand how you can advocate complete transparency, like you did with Didi and others I'm sure, yet you feel it's perfectly fine to keep the occasional contact you have with your OM from your H.
But, to each his/her own.
I will leave you alone.
Actually, GF, after a day of this it looks like, to an outsider, that you are trying to portray Sara as a hypocrite simply because she advises people in an entirely different stage of their relationship development to do something she may not have done in hers.
I very rarely advise people to do things the way I did. The DB/Tough Love/relationship guru advice is not a one-size-fit-all solution and Sara is very careful to do her homework and advise people to act on what works for THEM, not what worked for her.
I asked Sara to post her story. Mine is out there for anyone to read (if they have a whole lot of time to sort through a bunch of emotional dreck), but call me on anything and asked me why I make the decisions I make at this time if you want to know, but don't ever expect me to advise others based on what I did or did not do.
Sara and her H have already come to a place that they are committed and renewing their entire lives. She has been honest enough to admit her vunerability in the past and taken the necessary steps to affair-proof her end of the relationship.
Your initial questions were great (although honestly they read a bit like you were setting her up), but at some point we need to step back from our "triggers" and such and make sure we aren't judging others based upon our own experiences.
Sara explained a few posts back why she advised Didi the way she did. She is looking for Didi's future, from the now. Sara is already past the phase that Didi is trying to negotiate. The x was tested and came up lacking. She admitted her vunerability and the feeling she had when reality and fantasy collide. She is done. I understand that. I am too. My H and I were waiting for one of us to blink. Turns out he "blinked" first. Quite the reality check. Sometimes that's how marriages have a chance to be saved.
Thanks for the support, Deauxlie. I am not a trained professional in counseling. I am a student of human nature, and I enjoy people watching. I draw from my own experience, but I believe every person is an expert in their own situation. And while I tell people what I think I would do in their shoes, it is their free choice as to how to handle their lives. I hope people don't think I am telling them what to do. The only time I get insistent is when I think they can solve their problem by going to Retrouvaille, and instead they are shutting down communication. Communication saved my marriage. And that is the tale I am trying to tell.
I, I guess you can see, am a talker. My husband by contrast is a non-talker. For years I allowed his style to set the tone in our house. He always said, "We'll talk about it later", meaning never. And I felt muffled and frustrated. Retrouvaille opened the floodgates of conversation in this marriage. It taught us how to communicate equally with each other. Taking equal time answering a question. We often go back to the notebooks at home, the dialogue method is a written method. And we agree on a question and write our answers and then share them and discuss them. It is such a different experience, even for the touchiest of subjects, than arguing. We end up feeling closer, and happier. Maybe tomorrow I will post about the dialogue method.
I asked my WAW about Retro, she said no - but I have heard that it is a great place to work on communication skills. I would love to suggest this during MC, maybe not this time. If the couples are not working on M but just the R, is it worth it?
I may be living in a fantasy land half the time. When I saw her tonight, even though she was the ice queen, I have so much love for her and hoping that that she is not too far out - but you read my sitch... I am just a dreamer - have found more reality though in the last few days.
You have been a God send to me as well. Thanks for all your posts and for the humor.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
I'm usually up late. Yes, Retro is good just for communication. But that doesn't make it any easier to get the WAS there. Certainly it is good to bring up. But until she breaks off with OM, nothing you do is likely to be effective. She is like a drug addict on a high and looking for the next fix of OM, and she doesn't want anything interfering with that.
Still, as in my sitch, just because OM will spend time with her doesn't mean OM will drop his life and marry your wife. She could be riding for a fall. Women get all these stars in their eyes when they are in love, and a lot of men just want to have fun.
That is how I feel. He is married with at least two young children... my WAW was one of the kids teacher - how do you explain that to them later. I think this guy is just biding his time, but you never know. I have nothing but time right now, and feel like I am in a good spot. Am going to post on my thread in a bit.
CBK
M=46 W=47 M=24 (together 26) D21, S19 Bomb 3/16/08 OM 3/28/08 WAW moved out 5/16 Divorce final 10/09
That'd be great. I need to get some sleep now but last night we could've used some method. There is a session in NO mid July... not sure we can swing it and the commitment to the follow up week ends... but we'll see. I looked up the website. Read a bit. Need to read more. But I'm really seeing the difference my new communicating skills have made on one level. Missing some levels though that we only get to by 'thrashing around but more careful and caring than we used to be of the outcome'.
The agreeing on a question and written dialogue method sounds fascinating. It may be a way he can get a dang word in edgewise and an actual full thought out without my imput. Meanwhile, I'm gong to really, really, try to listen better once I get him talking.
We are soooo much alike. My H just cracks up. He gets me. We dance around the kitchen cooking and stuff. He knows, with every inch of his being that he HAS to talk instead of keep things in. But. yeah. Even knowing that he starts cracking up at me when I get on a roll. I get so excited that he hears me now and responds that I just don't shut up. I need to shut up and listen more. And now... I really need to get off this computer and get to bed.
Hi Sara, just finished reading your thread here and CBK sent me your way because I have a question about Retrovaille. I am going to see if WAW would attend this, our sitch is different in that there was no A on either side, basically I was an a$$ in our marriage and she got fed up with it. I went to the Retro web site and it appears they put alot of focus on couples dealing with A's, would my W and I get anything out of going even though this is not the case for us?
When I was at Retrouvaille, we had 3 presenting couples. 2 of the couples had dealt with an unfaithful spouse. In the third couple the problem was an overly domineering husband. There are many different kinds of unhappy marriages. They do try to have different problems among the presenting couples so that the attending couples have someone to relate to. And the method is the same. It is learning how to communicate to the point where you completely understand how the other person feels. That kind of thorough communication takes time. Luckily you have a whole weekend.
