DB, I count on you to always reel me in and keep me from my self pity party. You are right, I need to accept that I can do this on my own. I think I can, not wholy sure. Tonight I was sitting in my office and looking across the street at neighbors I have never gotten to know. They lived here less than a year and are moving. They have a 2 year old (2nd marriage for him) and apparently he left her for OW. Another neighbor told us the story and H said, well, that does happen. Of course I wanted him to be outraged, how could someone leave their wife and child, but I said nothing. Tonight I'm watching him come and collect boxes and the pit in my stomach grows and I begin to feel heat all over, the oddest sensation. It was a truly horrible thought if H would leave me. Often I've wondered if I'm struggling to save the M because I love H or I don't want to admit defeat and be divorced. But I think this has settled it for me, it is H I want and I need to do what it takes to get there. And stop the feeling sorry for myself, that helped get me in this predictament. And as you suggest, feeling better about myself and doing things to achieve that are going to help in many different ways. As soon as I get back BFL for sure, I liked having that goal and felt good about myself when I accomplished my goals.
Pad--your insight is awazing, you so often describe my M to a T. Your right, they are very aware with what they are doing and any attempt to be subtle is anything but. I need to give him this time and space. I've been cheery when he calls, letting him know what the boys and I are up to and not complaining about anything!
KAW. I'm loving this dance analogy, it is great. And some good mantras can be found in there. I am struggling with the attentive/pushy balance. But, instead of being upset about the stopage of ILYs, I should take them as a sign that he is working through issues, not necessarily that he has stopped loving me. And I need to stop saying ILY in an attempt for him to say it back. As Pad said, it ain't subtle! So, I won't be asking him to dance. I'm going to dance for myself and he can join in when he is ready.
Pam--I too like the advice you get on your thread, some amazing stuff there.
I'm starting to get anxious about my trip. I'm used to travelling in English speaking countries, I don't speak anything but. However, I'm not going to let fears overwhelm me, I'm going to enjoy my time with my sister and when I see H, I will be cheery and not say ILY (unless I truly do not need to hear it back?)
I hate that the pit is back in my stomach, but I have gotten through this before, I can do it again.
Oh, and the one thing that I have kept up since Novemeber that is purely for me is karate and I just got my second belt--I'm no longer a while belt. Now if only it would also serve as a weight loss mechanism!
Now if only it would also serve as a weight loss mechanism!
