He's "done". Period.

[shatteredheart31]

Chris....you are not alone, and you are not an idiot! You're hurting and angry and you have every right to be. If there is any place where your feelings are understood it's here! Most of us feel the same way you do...we are all just in different stages. You and I are still new to this, it's still very raw for us. I have had the exact same backslides as you have, as recently as last Friday! It's really hard to follow the DB plan when you're so torn up emotionally. It's telling us to go against our natural instincts to beg, plead, cry, etc. It's not easy and sometimes even when I know what I shouldn't do, I still do it anyway. We all slip and when we do, we just have to take it as a learning experience, pick ourselves back up, dust ourselves off and try new again.

Your H and sitch sounds so much like mine! I also have an H who has made up his mind and is convinced that we are done. Fortunately, for financial reasons he's not rushing to file any papers so that's the small hope I cling to...that when the timing is right he will have a change of heart.

Truth is, your H probably is looking forward to being alone, but don't set yourself up for disappointment by hoping he will miss you while you're gone. Take full advantage of your vacation. Enjoy the time with your girls, try to relax and have fun. When you come home, act as if, no expectations. I've learned that having expectations that were not met have hurt me more than anything else. I'm trying to let go of them and not have any.

[Rusty]

Chris - I can so relate to your words about how can he just decide to destroy yours and your kids lives. I had the same thing happen - H became committed to leaving and he was done. But this was after 23 YEARS!!!!We have been S for 2 1/2 years! I have just discovered DB and hope it's not too late, but the hurt doesn't go away. You just really need to focus on yourself and your kids and act "as if" I just started it, don't know if it will work or not. Tried it before (just from friends suggestions, not real DB) and he did come around and we started dating. Then, my old self came back out and I pushed and demanded. Boom - he's gone again! Don't make those mistakes and keep reading and doing what everyone on here says! It is probably the hardest thing you will ever do - I totally understand your anger! I've got so much of it myself! Vent here and to your therapist - not at H. Good luck - it's not too late.

[Edge]

Welcome. If you are going to try the LRT, you really have to stick to it. I have struggled with this myself. It is so difficult to not fall back into old patterns. You just have to keep telling yourself that you are doing the right thing to save your M, no matter how much it hurts. The LRT has been difficult for a lot of us. There is a subforum that focuses specifically on it. It can be really helpful when you are struggling with it.

[7 Year Itch]

OK, so how do you LRT and keep a poker face when your kids are devastated as well.

I royally screwed up today ,but I was MAAAAAAAD. So this morning I'm getting ready to go outside with D6 and D2, and my D6 out of the blue starts BAWLING! I mean, like sobbing. I was like.. "omg, what is wrong?" and she said......"Mom, why won't you let Daddy come with us this weekend?".

OK, my heart broke right there, and then the rage came. The face that my poor baby could think that I am keeping him from coming. I honestly had no idea what to do, so I said....." Honey, I'm not keeping him from coming this weekend. Let's call him and you can talk to him". So I call him at work, and she proceeds to call and cry, beg and plead for him to come with us this weekend on our annual Memorial Day weekend we do each year. She was sobbing, and I actually had to leave the room because I started sobbing listening to her on the phone with him.

So she finally gets calmed down and comes into my room to hand me the phone. Well, I should have just hung up. But did I, .....no. Instead, I usher the girls outside to play (the original plan) and I proceed to get on the phone with him and say "How can you do this to them? Fine, so you don't give a [censored] about me. Fine, but how can you not give ANY effort for their sake?". And it went on and on. I totally railed on him ,and I just let lose like I haven't up until now.

I seem to be a LRT flunky because I'm just determined apparently to drive him further away. My God, how do you all do this for months. I've been totally unsuccesful for less than a week. It's probably a very good thing we will be away from each other for 3 1/2 days.

Tomorrow is D6 graduation from Kindergarten. Yet another huge milestone that should be filled with love and great memories and yet I feel will instead have this "cloud" around it. Should be weird too, because my Mom is coming and she hasn't been in person with my H since I told her. I didn't tell her until about 2 weeks after the bomb was dropped because I was afraid she'd have a mental breakdown over it, and i just did not need that too. So she was around him after the initial bomb, but she didn't know it. Tomorrow she will be there, and I'm really scared to see if anything transpires. He is coming down for it in the middle of his work day, and going right back to work after it, so I don't think they'll really have time to talk.

Then tomorrow night D6 has a sleepover campout with her Brownie troop to celebrate the last day of school. So it'll just be me, H and D2 (who goes to bed early). Should be nice and akward.

Anyway. Thanks for all the replies guys. I can't believe how similar so many of our stories are. I just really don't understand how some spouses find it so easy to leave. I really don't. I'd walk through FIRE to try to keep my family together. And while I'm not on that other side (not feeling the love), I'd really like to think that I'd still have the character to put the effort forth.

I'm just still so stunned by his behavior. It's just so out of character for him.

Chris

[Just Beau]

I feel for you.My D6 called me tonight,and asked me if she remembered when we used to live together.i said of course.She says "Maybe when I'm 8 we can live together again"

Thats when it all hit me like a ton of heartless bricks.Ugh.

Her Kindergarten graduation is next week,and W hasn't even told me about it.Luckily,I already knew.How weird that day will be.

[jandn]

Lately, like yourself, I wonder if W is just so happy on her side, and if my side is the only one with the hurtful pain and determination to make this work. If W was having all the pain and agony, i know she would be crying wolf in a heart beat. There is always going to be bumps and the resources will always be there to repair them. I had more but is late and I erased some stuff by accident. Wish you best of luck and just hang out and hang in there.

[7 Year Itch]

Well, me and the girls leave tomorrow on our weekend, and I'm just praying that he'll be in the house alone for for days, and maybe realize......... "wow, this is how it will be forever" and maybe get a clue. I know he probably won't, but I'm stlil praying.

D6's graduation was cute yesterday. Stuff was ok with us all there. A bit uncomfortable with my Mom there. This is the first time she's been around him since I told her. Then when we got home last night my H told me my Mom invited him over for Dinner Friday night (we'll be gone). He said he'll think about it, but doesn't know. I told him I'm sure she wasn't going to yell or anything, she's just like me. Hurt, and doesn't understand. My family adores him.

I'm sort of hoping he'll go, but also I know there is nothing she can say that I haven't to sort of "wake" him up.

D6 had a sleepover last night with her Brownie troop, so I (again I suck at this LRT thing) told him if he'd like to sleep in our bed last night he was welcome too. The bed downstairs has not been ideal for him for a variety of reasons. I said since she wouldn't be here to see there wouldn't be any confusion. Our other D is young enough she doesn't get it at all. So he paused, and said he would but didn't want to have to move his alarm clocks etc. I very calmly said.. "it's ok just to say no thanks". Well he must have realized his "excuses" were lame because next thing I know while I was in bed working on my computer, he came up with his clocks and stuff, plugged them in and came to bed.

I know it meant nothing to him. But I felt like it was the slightest effort on his part. And even though we were about as far apart in bed as 2 people can be, it felt so good just to look over and see him.

Everytime something like that happens I think. "Is this the last time we'll sleep in the same bed?".

I really need to get a grip on this LRT thing. I know the begging, crying, pleading thing is not good, and I'm really trying to get a grip on that. But I just have the hardest time with not being totally honest with my feelings and telling him where I stand. I think he'd no in an instand if suddenly I just stopped talking about stuff, and just acted like everything was fine. I do NOT have a poker face.

I know I need to try though. I really do. God, I just pray that something will hit him this weekend.

Chris

[newnamenewlife]

Chris, I will be thinking of you this weekend. I am in such a similar situation. We are going up to my family home this weekend, but I would KILL to have just about anyone join us. None of my friends could make it. So it's just going to be me, H and the girls.

I, too, backslide frequently. I try hard to maintain the DBing, but, look, we are not robots, we are human and this stuff hurts like hell. It's OK to be mad and hurt and to show that sometimes, I think. Begging, pleading--yep, those have to go, but letting your H know that his actions are causing a lot of pain--to me, that's OK.

Let's compare notes on Tuesday.

[klm]

My H, is so matter of fact, and ready to be done. I mean, 5 weeks ago I didn't know he felt this way, yesterday he tells me he wants to file this month.

Mine was that quick too. H not only said ILYBINILWY, he said I NEVER loved you. Hard to take, but for whatever reason he wasn't himself. Well, actually I am finally getting some insight as to what was going on...a lot having to do with his job, but it has been almost a year.

How did we get here, and more importantly, why can he not give our 12 years more than 5 weeks to see if we could work our way back to each other.

In his mind he probably has. That is why you need to give him some space. You can't convince him of anything right now. The more you push, the more he pushes back.

All I hear over and over is "I KNOW HOW I FEEL. And it will NEVER chnage". I get so upset, because how can ANY of us truly know how we will feel about anything in the future. But then he gets pissed and feels like I invalidate his feelings when I suggest that.

I heard this too. Like I said you aren't going to be able to convince him right now. Don't invalidate his feelings...right or wrong...he has a right to them.

My God, how do you all do this for months. I've been totally unsuccesful for less than a week.

Because it gets easier with time. I was a basketcase the first three or four months. Your feelings and the things you are saying are normal....but the sooner you realize that making him feel guilty and trying to reason with him isn't working the better off you will be.

I'm just praying that he'll be in the house alone for for days, and maybe realize......... "wow, this is how it will be forever" and maybe get a clue.

Don't count on it, this is a LONG road and 3 days probably isn't going to do it.

I don't think I read anything about it, but is there any reason to suspect an A? Just wondering since his change of heart seems to be so quick.

I know you are going on the trip this weekend, but what other things are you doing for yourself? Are there things you did before M or even in the beginning that you have quit doing? Are you exercising? DBing is for you and your sanity. If you work on yourself you will be a better person with or without him. If he comes back then that is the icing on the cake.

[Phoenixdeux]

He's more than likely cheating on you. Sorry to put that so bluntly, but that is how guys are...they don't generally pull the trigger unless they've already got someone else lined up. Sure, they may beat around the bush about being unhappy if they are thinking about splitting up, but just saying...I don't love you and won't ever again reeks of affair to me.

That doesn't change anything about your approach. Basically you can't let this crush you. You can't appear desperate or needy. He's staying for a while so you can get your life on track...well get it on track to the max. Do such a great job of it that he worries he can't be a part of it. Throw yourself into your own life. You can still be friendly with him, just don't chase him around like a puppy. Consider him a roommate for awhile. Maybe a roommate that you are somewhat interested in romantically, but won't do a whole lot to show it.