I think KAW is right on the money, the last thing you want is to have a big R talk and have H think thats what he's coming back to in three weeks - could be a huge stressor for him before/when he returns.
For me, I need to see the impact of R talks the next few days after and waiting three weeks to see a reaction can get your mind spiraling out of control in a bad way.
He may just need some space and this trip could be adding work related stress that has nothing to do with you and your R but yet is making him a cranky you know what.
PS - first post ever, but thought it was important to chime in
Thank you all for your kindness and keeping me sane when things go nuts around here. Interesting day yesterday, I read the posts and applied most of them to how I acted/reacted and things are starting to head back up.
Sue--you described us to a T -- he will be cold, but we don't yell or fight, but that tension does exist. We did C in Novemeber when this first started, H hated it with a passion and it did get us through the bad times, but I didn't feel it was going to take us through anything but a crisis. H is not one to sit and talk about his feelings and did not like someone poking into that.
Lee, yup, his coldness does mean something is eating at him and there is resentment. It appears that I need to just sit and wait for him to either decide to tell me or get over it. It is the waiting period I need to learn to be more productive with.
Ellie, I can't touch the word depression with H. Back in Nov. he said something about he wished he was on an even keel. I said I thought he could be depressed and mentioned it in C. H told me about a month ago how offended he was that I suggested that. So whether he is just moody or is depressed, that will have to be something he discovers for himself.
His conference in Geneva is two weeks long and spouses are not welcome. I am going to visit my sister in Germany for 5 days and then meet him in Geneva to tour together for 5 days. This is the first we are leaving the kids (we don't have family local), and possibly the two week break and then a week of just us will bring back some of our spirits.
KAW--Great point about me not being a source of his stress. Since I vented my feelings here, I sent him a short, pleasant email at work and didn't mention the weekend or anything. R talks don't always work and often backfire, so why do that when he has the stress of getting ready to go away.
DB--Yup, need to make the kids and I happy and that will cycle around to his thoughts.
Pad--I'm honored to be your first post, thank you. And I did take the advice and didn't do anything R-talk wise.
So, I kept busy during the day and tried not to stew about it, tried to get on good footing with just an email, no phone call. H came home early, which surprised me, thought he was to work late, but he said since he couldn't get ahold of me during the day, didn't know the plans. The boys had Vacation Bible School in the evening and we went out to dinner.
Started kind of rough, and I finally mentioned that he seemed off, him just made the grunting type of noises and finally asked him if he was angry with me (I took this avenue instead of the insecure, so you are thinking about a divorce method). Well, he is angry with me, or maybe dissapointed. Lee, you were right about the resentment. On Friday my boss was here and discovered I had a parasite on our home (my work) computer (yes, I have an open modem without a fire-wall and I know now that is a very bad thing and now have a fire-wall.) Well, H is really pissed at that as I have our tax stuff on here. So strike one against me.
This weekend H asked it I would take a cell phone with me (I am new to cell phone usage). I had it in my purse, but had to make a call in the morning and left it in the car and didn't take it with me to AC. H tried to call me and obviously didn't get me and I haven't figured out the voice mail yet. I did call him when we were leaving, he assumed on my cell. So he called later, but didn't get me. I then called him when I left GF and woke him up. So he was pissed at that too.
I apoligized for both things, tried my best to validate and not defend my actions too much and he seemed to get in a better mood. No ILYs for a few weeks, though, but I think the tension is gone.
So there is a long story for just one day of events. Thanks for the help during these valleys.
Hopefully by him getting these things off his chest it will lighten his mood. That, and the time apart might be some great relief for your sitch. When you guys get together without the kids I'd be willing to bet things will be a lot better.
I'm not sure what to tell you as far as this tendency he has to hold resentments over things you can't control. Is there a way to get him to air out his grievances more often and get them off his chest..but still not be seen as nagging? Maybe when things are on more smooth ground between you two it's something you can discuss. If it's brought out to him in a friendly environment when things are going good maybe it will make him realize how unfair it is for him to hold these things against you.
Anyways, I'm glad to see you're continuing the patience even through the most trying of times. This is definitely a long journey, even when we've made it to the piecing stage. Hang tough.
A dream it's true
But I'd see it through
If I could be
Wasting my time with you
-Band:Phish Song:Waste
IMHO indecision is the root of our spouses emotions. On good days they kick themselves because they are not quite committed to the M. On the bad days they are kicking themselves because they "think" it can't get better. Those are the days they blame us of everthing under the sun whether its our fault or not (this is how they justify the way they are feeling and/or their actions) so goes the rollercoaster.
We have our own rollercoaster, on the average days we are looking for the other shoe to drop (sometimes being insecure), on the bad days we are propping our selves up and wondering if its all worth it, and on the really good days we know it is
The act as if ploy really helps to smooth out the ride for both parties. Helps your PMA which calms them down and the less we poke into their funky emotions when they are having them the better. (believe me, major backsliding can occur, and has )
When the good days far out number the bad, that is when they will start to commit. They won't admitt it yet, but you'll see the difference.
Yeah, Jackie, use the Act As If! I tried to think of it as trurning around an oil tanker. H would come home in a foul mood, but I would have prepared myself with my Tom Petty CD and a glass of wine, have a good dinner cooking, looking and smelling great, validating where necessary - and it was amazing how he'd come around by the end of the evening. It works!
How's BFL coming? I am in week five, finally really starting to see some results - this is so cool! So get back into that, girl.
Ellie, Pad, Rob, Pam, KAW--thanks for checking in. I took almost everything under advisement and tried to make the last few days with H stress free.
He's been in an odd mood, he said it was work related, but I'm not sure. He wouldn't tell me what it was, which is unusual about work, that is where his passion lies and he ususually shares. He wouldn't. The ILYs stopped coming, as well. Even the obligatory ILY when I said it. Finally I said something about I'm here if you want to talk, but I'll stop bugging you. And then he said thanks, so I said ILY and he said it back. I said really? He said yes. And then he told me I am pushing. That things are better, but not great. He told me again to stop pushing. I said, okay, how about if you tell me if things start going in the opposite direction and until then I'll assume things are getting better and not ask questions. He said okay.
I kept things light Thursday and Friday and we dropped him at the airport. Thought maybe we'd make love Thursday, but apparently not, lots on his mind, but he isn't sharing what. We went in to say goodbye at the airport, thought I would at least get an ILY there, but I didn't. Tried not to be too hurt. However, he called me twice while he was waiting for his plane. And he called me a bunch of times his first day there. However, today he didn't call and didn't respond to an email I sent. It feels like a very weird time, he wants to share his excitement with me when he is bored, but if he has other things going on, I'm not on the list of people to check in with. He has never missed a day of calling in without a phone call on his business trips. Today is a first. So a bit sad about that.
However, after dropping him off at the airport, I took the boys camping at the Jersey beach and we had a wonderful time. I sent H a long email telling him all we did, wanting him to know what we were up to and keep him in the loop (I had been accused before of leaving him out of the boys' lives). H isn't a beach person and the boys and I love it, so seemed like a great compromise. Lots of things planned with the boys this week, trying to get everything organized for my departure. Though I'm sitting here waiting for his call, though it is midnight where he is, so I think it is out of the question now.
So that is where I'm at. When he calls I will not mention I missed hearing from him (or should I say a quick something, like sorry you didn't have a chance to call in, I missed talking to you--or is that pressure? He doesn't want to be pushed or pressure). Such a delicate balance.
Ellie, BFL is on hold for the moment, going to get right back at it when I return from Germany. Trying to follow it, but things are so hectic, it isn't going well. I'm glad for your success.
Sorry to see the more of the same, you looking for reassurances, ILYs etc and him looking for space (an absence of pushing/pressure) and not getting any.
I know what you mean about thoughts cycling back to him. I would do that when considering my son's best interests, it always cycled back to us working things out, but there were other answers, some even came from w.?!!
We all have to accept that in the worst case - we WILL be ok without them and life will go on.
That said, you have come a long way since last November, but there are a few things you haven't tried, like lovingly detaching!! with the right timing of course, like forget about waiting for a phone call or sending him an email/waiting for a reply - do something for you, take the kids to the gym with you, let him wonder about your changes, for it sure would be a noticeable one for YOU! You can't force yourself to be happy around him when you're truly miserable, if you made some choices to do with things you can control, like BFL, lost 10 pounds etc you'd start to feel so much better about YOURSELF and maybe leave him (that's what my w did, remember )
Obviously only you can make the right decisions for you but hopefully you can understand my point of view. You could even pretend you don't hear him the next time he says ILY, that will get his curiosity going. Do a 180, stop doing what doesn't work.
If I'm off base, send me an email so your "expletives" won't be censored!
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Just you two time. 
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