I guess it's time to get to work

[Michael Mc C]

Hey all. Still sticking around but I don't get on the board much these days.

My wife and I have had some very intimate moments (ML x 3 since about 2 weeks ago). The spontaneous ILY's have decreased a little but they are there from time to time. I always get the ILY2's if I initiate though.

Kissing/Hugging has decreased a bit too, although she does catch me by surprise sometimes still. Again, if I initiate they are returned.

So, time for some overanalysis on what MAY be happening:
1) We may be losing touch again and the "spark" is fading.
2) The intimacy we've had was "forced" by my wife in order to try to feel like a "normal" husband and wife again.
3) My wife still has trust issues regarding my intentions and is trying to keep me at arms length
4) She is uncomfortable initiating ILY's and physical contact because of a perception that maybe I will turn her away
5) I feel that if I initiate too much, she will feel smothered

I guess the only real way to discover the answer is to talk to her about it.

I also have to say that over the past 6 weeks or so I've rediscovered my romantic side and have provided, in my opinion, some of the romance she had once complained was lacking (candles and flowers in the bathroom when she got home from school, a couple notes left in various locations, a very open and heartfelt note on Mother's day, strawberries and melted chocolate while she takes a bath... I'm not Don Juan but I'm certainly putting in an effort).

The "trouble" is that she doesn't react the way I would like her to. She tells me it's very nice, very thoughtful, she says "wow" and I know she's happy with it. It's just that something feels like it's missing. Maybe a kiss, maybe a hug. Maybe I'm expecting too much too soon. She was excited about the bath with the flowers and candles, she told me that she had read the note from Mother's day 3 times... something just doesn't feel right.

Finally, she told me a couple weeks ago that she does not always feel that I love her but that instead I love the sex. I admit that a lot of my comments HAD been sexually oriented towards her leading up to her comments. We both agreed at that point that this was an unfortunate byproduct of how we used to treat each other. I do believe that there is some hesitation on her part to become fully 'engaged' in a marriage with me until I can show her that it is HER that I love. This is what I have been trying to do.