Searching for the truth..for me 5

[phbear316]

I did not think the first time hearing my wedding song, would be this way.

I pictured myself just a ball of nothing in the fetal position on the floor, uncontrollably crying,

No, that did not happen, i was actually driving back from my parents house after showing them my new vehicle, and i was heading food shopping. I actually scanning the stations, and it stopped on our wedding song.

I thought oh here it comes i better move over for i am going to lose it.

Nope, did not happen. I felt sad but not that hysterical sad i thought was going to happen. I felt sad that h has walked away from a good thing, me. and good life with me. It was his choice to walk out the door have an affair not mine.

Every day since last wed, when the first talk i had with someone about the whole situation with h, has been different I have been different. I though the changes were going too slow i was getting so anxious that they were taking too long. Well this week the changes have been like a bullet train. I have had another good conversation with someone else down the shore, which helped also.

I realize now i am a good person with a good heart a good soul. I really did not deserve what h has done to me, but you know what, i will roar jeanette, for i am woman!! I am becoming too big to ignore.

I have made a new friend, and i think things are going well, its been such a great feeling to laugh. I think when h is away next week i will clean the yard like a mad woman hope the weather holds out and invite some co-workers over for a BBQ.

I am hoping we will be able to get together this weekend some of us, we are trying, plans keep changing due to work schedules, kids, etc.

This is my now, My moment, I am really beginning to acknowledge my h is gone, he is not coming back. Have i closed the door, no its still open, its just time for me now.

I want to blossom again, Jeanette said something to me the other day, along the lines of i have been changing for the good, i have had a tremendous weight loss and still working on more, my moms tumor in her breast is shrinking, these are all good things. Things i am thankful for.

You know, last night i received a text while we were waiting for paperwork to be done, when h saw me smile at the phone, i swear i saw a quick look of hurt in his eyes.

I know this is not right, not the DB way, but i want h to go away this weekend i hope he does go the whole time with ow. I want my home, the weather is going to be beautiful, and i am feeling very selfish, i want my yard to myself. If not i will go out.

I know what i did wrong in my marriage, I have to make peace with myself. H is done thrown his hands up in the air, and has given up. I will never regret trying to save us for one minute, never. For now i am tired of using my time and energy to fix something that is not there. I want to use it on me.

hugs all
bear