It is much easier to try these things, when the tension is gone.
I'm fine with not making a decision until the last minute. He is getting pressure from everyone else, so it isn't going to be me doing it. I know he has work to prepare for to go overseas and he is going to miss the boys. Plus, why am I pushing to go to something that I don't even want to go to? I'm nuts. I had plans pre-invitation to do an outing with a girlfriend I haven't seen in a few years, but we moved it to Sunday, so I'll be free to go if we do.
And the see-saw, I forgot about that, that is so true. This is a new pattern, me letting H make family type decisions, I always assumed that role.
BFL diet isn't overly hard, just some discpline. It is 5-6 meals a day, with one serving of protein and one of carbs in each meal. For me it is giving up the sugar and junk. But one day a week it is a free day and you can eat what you want. I just need to get to where I can follow it more than 4 days.
HI...sounds like you knew to zip it with the family thing..it is hard..especially when you did make the decisions..I used to accept invitaions to things for both of us..then I thought wait a minute, I don't want h to do that, so I try very hard to say, "I'll have to check with H"
Keep up the good work..as far as trying to lose weight, I am trying to do Weight watchers..I won't call them a diet..it is changing your eating habits and portions..but boy when things are stressful that junk food tastes so good.
I really appreciate your taking the time to post to me yesterday. It wasn't a good day, for whatever reason, and your thoughtful post was much appreciated.
You are right - my "sense of duty", as you put it, is what will most likely force my hand in doing the fundraiser. To be more precise - my sense of commitment. I've been greatly hurt by my STBX's lack of commitment. I believe in commitment. Though certainly not in the same league as the commitment she broke, I commited to doing this in February. It will be hard on me, but I will follow through. It's part of who I am, I guess.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you. Your words did help.
Steve, I'm glad my words helped you. Sue and Pam, I don't feel like I'm doing too well today. I feel like I'm back at the beginning, it has been 9 months and the same feelings are back, that pit in the stomach is back.
Friday H came home in the mood where he would not look at me, would not talk to me. Everything made him mad, I asked it something was wrong, work me, us, kids, he just said no and stayed away from me and stayed on his side of the bed.
Saturday he went to work for the morning, he called and asked what the plans were for the day, I told him it was up to him, he then said if it was up to him he would work all day. He did come home around lunch and there was a small thawing, but the kids were a major handful all day and he snapped often at them.
Sunday was a day I planned to go away with my girlfriend. I had asked him 3 months ago about this. He has been very pissy about this, I asked him if he minded, he said he really didn't have a choice about it, did he? I did go, and he made sure that he knew he wasn't pleased about it. I called in the evening to say I was heading home and his voice was as cold as it gets. He had a horrible day, S6 was put to bed around 6:30 and S4 had to take a nap afternoon. He was sleeping in the guest room when I got home. He said goodbye this morning, but same tone, etc.
So now my questions. I just started reading DR again. I know we should not make any decisions while we are emotional, but I'm tired of spending so many days crying. I've been tripling my efforts to do things around the house, at the expense of doing things with the kids, tyring to please him, but it isn't working. He does tell me every blue mood he appreciates the work I've done, but those words are enough, I want more. Am I expecting too much?
In the beginners mind chapter there is a part that says that holding in conflicts, not saying what you want/need it a cause of divorce. But later it talks about picking battles and not pushing. So, do I let H know how hurt I am by his actions or do I just wait to let this pass? He leaves Friday for 3 weeks in Europe, do I wait and see if this improves his mood or do I open my mouth?
I don't cry around him, I'm am probaby to needy in asking him what is wrong, but I'm at a lost on what to do. In the beginning of the M he adored me, and I so much miss that. I didn't realize what I had, but I know feel like he hates both me and the kids.
JAckie..thanks so much for your kind words..I am sorry for the sadness you are feeling..I don't think I have much to offer except my thoughts and prayers for you...I do know the feeling of having him answer so cold..I spent the last year like that..he was never mean and we did not fight or yell, but the coldness was sometime unbearable.Yet he would not talk about it, would not try and find a way to resolve it, except to move out..I know that is not what any of us want...but for us it has been the best thing to happen..it broke the cycle of being uptight all the time..gave us both space to work on ourselves..I am hoping that h will mayabe want to work on our m..but who knows.
Is your h open to sitting down together, without kids around and talking about the feelings that are going on?? DO you guys go to c? We did for a year, but it was not in my h heart to fix the m, so it did not good.
Maybe the 3 weeks apart will be good for both of you...time to think..how about a short talk before he leaves letting him know how hard this has been and hoping that the time apart will give you both some space to breath and think..I have learned not to make the conversations sound accusing or that it's his fault.
I know in the past I was that way with my W. I would be very cold because she wasn't giving me something that I needed. So at the time it seemed that was the only way to gaurd myself from my feelings. So instead of just saying hey you are not meeting my needs I would hold it and get very mean. For me it was my resentment talking. I will bet that there is something that is eating at him. Asking him about it may work or it may not depends on your H. For me sometimes I would answere when my W asked but some times I knew it wouldn't do me any good. So I would just say nothing is wrong.
The 3 weeks apart may be good, it will give him some time to miss you and the kids.
Jackie - is it also possible that your H is sinking back into depression? My H has been doing that - for the last 3 months now that I look back, although it was so gradual I didn't pick up on it at first - now he's irritable and snapping at the kids. At least he UNDERSTANDS that he's depressed now, and is talking about restarting Prozac, although I don't think he has done so yet. Right now he's gone on a long-planned one week trip with S11, and made a very expensive collect international call to tell me how much he misses me.
Maybe you could approach H in a loving way and tell him you're concerned, he seems stressed, and you'd like to know how you could better meet his needs.
BTW - what was his issue with you going with the girlfriend? Does he dislike her, is he worried about what you're doing, or does he feel like you don't pay enough attention to him? (His comment about "might as well work" when you had nothing planned - do you think he's feeling like you never take the reins of your social life, like he's only valued for his role as provider, like you weren't dying to have him come home and be with you? I know you think you're being loving by being accomodating and deferring to his wishes - I used to do that too. But what my H would have really liked was for me to say "Get your self home, we all want to see you, besides, I've invited your friends over for dinner and we're having a party!")
Is quality time your H's love language? If so - any way you could get a cheap ticket to join him in Europe for part of this trip? I know it could be stretching the budget, but starting to travel with my H on his business trips was one of the best things I ever did for my marriage. And I figure a divorce is way more expensive than a few airline tickets.
As for BFL - oh, if only my thighs looked as trim and toned as my arms! Starting week five .....
Hi Jackie, I'm so sorry to hear its been rough for ya lately. I can certainly relate to a S that does seem to want to climb out of their own misery.
He is giving all the telltale signs about being stressed out over something and is goin' down the cheeseless tunnel of reacting to it with anger. It sounds like what he needs is some down time. Maybe this trip to Europe can provide that? In the meanwhile, you don't want him to connect you to being a source of his stress. So for the next week I would say keep a low profile, wait to see if he comes back from his trip with a new attitude. This will also give you three weeks to set up long term goals on how to diffuse the stress, if or when it builds up again.
Sorry to drop by for such a short time, but will check in on ya later...
Sorry I don't have time to post more but I'm certainly thinking of you and your family every day. I would just say to give him more space when he is in a foul mood and just keep giving him time and your unending patience. Do look after your responsibilities but don't try to "make him happy" only he can do that so you will always fail and make you sad. Concentrate on the kids and yourself, they'll know the truth and the truth never changes.
But no more! Weak moment. 
